Boys
in the wood
Episode
1
Get
to work!
CAST
LIST
ALLY
IAN
JASON
JENNY
CATHERINE
SUSAN
JOE
SHAZ
DAZ
BANK MANAGER
EWAN
SCENE
1. Dining room of Catherine and Ian. Evening dinner party with Suzie, Jason , Ally
and Jenny.
Everyone well fed, laughing
and enjoying a drink.
SUSAN: (clearing her throat and banging her hand on the table) Right you boys, no more time for
feeling sorry for yourselves. You’ll need to get out there and earn us a crust.
Ian,
Ally and Jas look at each other nervously then take a synchronised gulp of Stella.
ALLY: Whit d’you mean? Earn
a crust? Have we or have we no’ just cooked and served you ladies a three
coarse meal of Baxters finest Cockaleekie; Morrisons value lasagne and a
selection of exceedingly good cakes from Mr Kipling’s? Eh, see? We’re good to
you. Crust, indeed. Crust?!
The
boys nod smugly in agreement.
CATHERINE (sensing trouble): Aye, I think Susan is
merely suggesting that it might be good if you could find a job.
IAN: Haud oan a minute, Suzin,
you can’t blame us for the toiletries business getting the bullet, can you?
JASON: Not only that,
ladies, but we three have been out and about looking for jobs every single day
with not a sausage of success. All Maggie Thatcher’s doing and what with the
privatisation of steel, the collapse of the industrial fabric of Britain
SUSAN: Shut it, Jason,
don’t start. You’ve done nothing but play golf, get lagered and play on your
X-Boxes. Should be ashamed men like you, approaching your forties as well.
JENNY: And you’ve only had
two interviews between the three of you. We need to buy one of those cappuccino
machines, don’t we, Ally? and there’s a marvellous sale on at John Lewis’s
haberdashery department.
ALLY: (ignoring Jenny) Well that’s not our fault, is it? I mean, I couldn’t
very well apply for the exact same jobs as these boys as I’d have got it and
they would have felt awful. We are mates by the way and you’d never do that to
mates, would ye lads?!
The
boys clink glasses and drain their pints.
SUSAN: Don’t give us that
crap. No more excuses. The three of you better get out there and get a job by
the end of the week or you’re all out. Is that clear?!
ALL BOYS: Yes, Susan. Of
course, Susan. We’ll get right to it.
ALLY: I’ve got the job
pages in the flat. Maybe we’ll nip back there and have a look, eh boys?
Lads
scurry for the door knocking chairs over.
JENNY: Aye and no going to
the boozer. We mean it. Get jobs by the end of the week or you can kiss us
three ta ta!!
SCENE
2. Five minutes later. Down the Exchequer.
Boys
are worse for wear having had several more stellas and whiskies.
ALLY: Lads, this is
serious. What are we gonna do?
IAN: Don’t worry ya tight
arse ye. Ah’ll get them in.
ALLY: No’ the bevvies ya
tube, the job. The job. Where will we get a job? You heard the gurlies. No job.
No nookie.
JASON: Yes, it is a bit of
a problem we have there. Perhaps we should consider some further education
courses and re-invent ourselves as modern day philanthropists.
ALLY: Stamp collecting? No
way ah’m ah doing that. No way am I going back to school. All that studying
malarckey. No way, ah say. No way. Stanley Gibbons can shove it up his stamp
bug club for all I care.
IAN: Ah, think o’ the tottie
though. Maybe no’ such a bad idea. Ah’d probably study English or something
easy like that. Loads o’ burds dae English.
ALLY: Mate, you cannae even
speak Scottish properly, mate. Anyway, whit are ye talking about? Forget burds.
Oor burds are in oor hooses. We’ve got them.
IAN: Na that’s where yer
wrang, mate. See in the old days ye’d get away wi’ saying “ah’ve caught the fish,
I no longer need any bait”. To paraphrase, “I need dae nuffing mair for ma
wuman because she is ma chosen wan.” Now a days they’re much higher
maintenance.
ALLY: You’re talking
bollox.
Jason: No, Ian is making a
very valid point there, actually. 33.8% of modern marriages end in divorce.
Primarily as the female party is unsatisfied with her husband.
ALLY. Hold on a minute. Are
you saying a’ve got a small dick?
IAN: (holding Ally back from attacking Jason) Noh mate. He’s no’. It’s
the modern burd. They want gym memberships, they want stuff fae the Boden
catalogue, they want shiny teeth, they want boob jobs and they hard wooden
polished floors with adorable kitchens. They want orgasms and everything.
ALLY: Aye, maybe you’re
right mate.
JASON: Same again chaps?
ALLY & IAN: Aye,
awright then mate.
SCENE
3: Girls drinking wine round the dining room table.
SUSAN: Did you see their
faces? Sheer terror. No nookie till they get a job, that’ll make them get a
move on.
CATHERINE: Och. D’you not
think we were being a wee bit too hard on them? They have been trying.
JENNY: Look, the sale ends
next Wednesday, Catherine. If I don’t have the credit card to melt just because
he’s not got a job there‘ll be no nookie for a year!
SUSAN: Jenny’s right. We
must stand firm. We must be hard. Agreed?!
JENNY: Agreed!
CATHERINE (reluctantly):
Agreed.
SUSAN: Good. Let’s have a
toast.
The girls raise their
glasses
ALL: Girlies united!
CATHERINE: Are you sure
we’re not being too harsh?
SUSAN: No, we are not. In
fact we’re doing them a favour. They’ll be well up for some rumpy pumpy in a
week or two. Let’s help them focus by banning them from our beds!
JENNY: Great idea!
Scene
4. Breakfast Joe’s café, West end.
Boys
look rough and can barely face their full Scottish breakfast.
ALLY (To Ian): You having that wee flat was a good move mate, otherwise
we three would’ve been sharing a cardboard box for the night.
IAN: Aye, yer right. The
tenant was quite good aboot me saying tae clear oot with fifteen minutes
notice.
JASON: Mind you, think it
was very unfair of the girls not to let us in any of our own flats.
ALLY: Aye, ah got a text
from Jenny saying don’t come back till ah’ve got a job.
IAN: Aye Catherine sent me
one too.
JASON (reluctantly confesses) and Soozin.
Silence.
ALLY: Right that’s it.
Bollox to it. Ah’ve got a plan. Ah’ve had enough.
IAN (excitedly). Whit is it mate?!
JASON: We will go to Uni
again? Hurrah. Always fancied studying modern day Leninism or maybe advanced
aeronautical engineering. Then again my bags more to do with marine fishery in
the west of Scotland Brussels
ALLY: Will you shut it. We
are not going back to Uni.
Just
then the café owner, Joe, wanders to their table, wringing his hands on his red
ketchuped apron.
JOE: Are you boysa gonna
eata ma fooda or a notta. There are a people a queuing uppa to getta inna here
a.
The
chaps look round the empty café and through the window out to the street.
ALLY: Joe a mate a, there’s
a nobody here a. Ah mean there’s nobody here, mate.
JOE: Thata issa because a
you a boys are a in a here a giving a the place a very badda look a. And da
smell a with you’re a rough stubble on da face a. And da Ian is a ginger.
JASON (looking at Ian) Yes, fair point, Joe. I’ll pay up and we’re off.
Scene
5: Afternoon: In the super market.
JENNY: Is that you
Catherine?
Catherine
heavily disguised with sunglasses and shawl round her head and shoulders.
CATHERINE: Eh, yes, Jenny.
Must go, in a rush. Going to dentist,
JENNY: Hold on a minute.
Hold on. What’s that in your trolley? Is that what I think it is?
Jenny
picks up the bottle of Irn Bru. Then a multi-pack of mars bars. Holding them up
as evidence in front of Catherine.
JENNY: Are you doing what I
think you’re doing?
CATHERINE: No, it’s not for
Ian. No. Honest it isn’t and I’m definitely not taking it round the flat for
him as we’re not allowed to see the boys, remember?
JENNY: Hmmm. Then why have
you got a six pack of pot noodle in there?
CATHERINE: OK, OK. You’ve
rumbled me. Just thought I’d drop it off for him, don’t want him fading away.
Anyway, what are you doing in here?
JENNY (guiltily): Err. Nothing.
CATHERINE: What’s that in
your basket? Single portion of pie and microwave chips? That’s Ally’s
favourite.
CATHERINE & JENNY:
Don’t tell Suzie!
SCENE
6: Back at Ian’s flat
IAN: Take that! Ya beauty! Scotland England
Jason: Think you were
rather fortuitous there me ol’ Glasgow
IAN: Whose for another
tinny? Ally, get us three more, eh and another wee Talisker while yer there!
No’ every day we horse the English at fitba’.
ALLY: Aye, fair enough
mate. Get it up ye Jas. Scotland
JASON: Think you’re
incorrect there, matey. It’s actually Peru
ALLY
& IAN Burst their can over Jason. The X-box fizzles then explodes.
IAN: Ah bollox. That’s the
end of that. What are we gonnae dae noo? Mind you, was there no’ something we
were supposed to be doing this avo?
ALLY: Shit! You’re right,
I’ve just remembered. Got to shoot the crow, lads. Be back in a bit.
JASON: Where are you off to?
Too
late; Ally has gone. Door bangs.
IAN: Right, the X-box is
goosed. We cannae laze about here all day doing nothing. I guess there’s
nothing else for it. We’d better put the Play Station on. Scotland England
Scene
7: Suzie having a coffee at Joe’s café.
JOE: Ah tella you a Suzie,
they are a broken men a. Jason a could hardly eat his square a slice a.
SUZIE: Now that I don’t
believe. He’s always saying to me it’s the best thing about Scotland
JOE: And a Ally and a Ian a
were a even worse a. Hadn’t a shaved a or washed a. And no even a smell o a
bevvy and it was already a eleven in the morning a.
SUZIE: Hold on a minute.
Are you trying to make me sorry for those useless sods? They’re just sitting
about all day doing nothing. They need to get out and get a job.
JOE: Sometimes a Suzie , a
beautiful a bella, like a you a , has to stand a back a and love a da man when
he is how you say, going a through the shitta with no a paddle a. Then a God a
will fix a everything like a Jim’ll with the badge and a jewellery and a then a
bella have a happy good a time a. Here a is a wee bottle a for you a to give a
two the boys a. Make sure a they are all all right a. Life a is a too short a.
SUZIE: Hmmm. Maybe, Joe.
JOE; And a Suzie a?
SUSAN: Yes, Joe?
JOE: Ahm a always a here a
far you a. Don’t a forget a.
Scene
9: Ally in phone box; boys in flat
ALLY: (excited) Right Ian,
you and Jas meet me outside Joes in ten minutes.
IAN: Whit fur? We’re busy
here.
ALLY: Just get here pronto,
ok?!
IAN: No way, I’m
slaughtering Jas at Tiger Woods Golf 2004.
ALLY: Just get down here
right or you’re a dead man. Because, I, my friend have sorted us oot. I have
the answer to our prayers.
IAN: Whit do you mean?
ALLY: Ten minutes, outside
Joes OK?!
Ally
hangs up.
Scene
10: Entrance to lads flat
Jenny
and Catherine tip-toeing up the stairs to Ian’s flat on the third floor, laden
with bags of shopping.
JENNY: (hushed tones) let’s
just leave them on the doorstep, ring the door then run back to the car. And
the boys will never suspect it’s us.
CATHERINE: Yeah and if
Suzie sees us, we’ll be dead.
Having
gently dropped the bags, the girls turn around just as Jason comes out the
door, with Ian behind him.
JASON: Hello ladies. What’s
going on then? Have you most generously brought us starving deprived young men
a morsel or two of sustenance? In desperate times like these where there are
butter and several other commodities lying as dormant mountains in Europe and
beyond, it is most gratifying to see you are sharing our responsibility as
citizens for sharing the wealth not to mention.,,
IAN: Aye thanks for the
scran dolls. C’mon in for a wee sit down and a chat. Ah’ll put the Bovril on.
What d’you say Cat? Ma nads are bursting. Pleeze!
CATHERINE: Ian, be quiet.
You weren’t even supposed to have seen us. Suzie will kill us.
JASON: Anyway, Ian, we
can’t wait. We’ve got an urgent appointment in two minutes.
CATHERINE (hopefully): You’ve got an interview?!
Oh, I knew you boys wouldn’t let us down. You’re the best.
JENNY (glancing at her watch): Wooopeee, late night shopping on a Thursday
as well. I’m off.
CATHERINE: What sort of job
is it Ian?
IAN: Errr. No exactly a job
as such, love.
CATHERINE: Oh, is it an
insider job is it? A contact doing you a favour?. Always said it pays to keep
in with your clients.
JAS: No, it’s not that.
We’re meeting Ally for a very important engagement. Must dash.
The girls look at each
other knowingly.
JENNY: Yep, that’ll be off
down the pub again.
CATHERINE: Looks like
they’re really missing us though.
JENNY (sarcastically): Yeah, right.
Ian
and Jas push past the two girls and hurtle down the stairs. Turning the corner
of the first flight they run directly into Suzie.
CATHERINE: Hiya Suzie!
Jenny and I were…
Jenny
gives Catherine a sharp kick to the shin.
JENNY: What are you doing here Suzie?
SUZIE: Oh arr. Well, just
to see Jason. He err because err because he err he’s go the key for my back
door.
JASON: But we don’t have a
back door Soozin. You must be thinking of a previous address, perhaps when we
lived down near Brighton . Seeeeegullls ,
Seeeeegulls, love Brighton me, I do. Do you
remember that chippy we used to go to and the…
IAN: Will you shut up.
What’s that protruding out of your bag, Suzie or are you just pleased to see me
doll?
The
top of the whisky bottle from Joe peeked out of the carrier bag like a knob
from a pair of pants. There for all to see.
JENNY: So much for girls
united, Suzie. No talking to the boys. No shagging the boys. No food for the
boys. No bevvy for the boys.
IAN: Right! We’re off.
Excuse us les beavers!
With
that, Jason and Ian continue on their escape down the stairs leaving the girls
behind arguing.
Scene
11: viewing the premises.
Ally
nervously waiting outside Joe’s café in the pouring rain, looking at his watch
every two seconds.
ALLY: Useless buggers.
Where are they?
Ian
and Jason creep up from the side.
IAN: Surprise, surprise big
man it’s your amigos here!
JASON: Ally, the first sign
of madness is talking to yourself. A study from Freud in the early 19th
century related such a phenomena to excessive masturbation in adolescent years.
ALLY (to Ian): Will you tell him to shut up before I kill him?
IAN: Never mind that, whit
exactly are we doing outside Joe’s in the pishing rain. This is no time for a
greasy spoon, the burds have been up to the flat. They’ve brought round some
grub and bevvy but d’you know whit? I think it’s a subtle disguise. It’s their nookie they’re
after. Their nookie ah tell ye. Nookie. N O O O K I EEEEEE. They’re no’ fooling
me.
ALLY (losing patience): Right, both of you shut up and follow me.
Ally
leads them on through puddles from Joes and stops two shops down.
ALLY (triumphantly): Right lads. This is it!
JASON: This is what, matey?
ALLY: This is our premises.
IAN: Whit are you talking
aboot now?!..
Ally
pulls a large mortice key from his trouser pocket, unlocks and pushes open the
door of the empty shop, grinning widely.
ALLY: (holding the door open) After you, lads.
Reaching
for the light switch, the bulb flashes on then sputters out. Ally pulls out a
lighter and heads for the back, tripping up over wallpaper rolls and bits of
carpet. Finding the master switch he illuminates the joint.
JASON: Oh ma God, Ally.
This is fantastic! There must be a good hundred square meters of footage here. Not to mention ample sockets around
the walls, large bay windows, presumably Victorian era and an original
cementious floor with Edwardian fire-place in the corner.
IAN (yelling from the back room): Never mind that, ya chopper – there’s
a dirty big fridge through here and a Sky cable inlet. Ya beauty. Ma bed goes
here next to the fridge!
ALLY: What do you mean bed?
This is not a place for slumber or shagging. This is our business premises. Our
new venture chaps. Our fresh new start. Our first step in global domination.
This is …this is OUR SHOP!
JASON: What like really our
shop. As in the shop where you buy stuff.?
ALLY: That’s right mate.
Give or take a few details boys this is all ours.
IAN: It’s brilliant mate.
Absolutely brilliant mate. Always wanted a shop me. (Pausing) Hold on, what do you mean minor details?
ALLY: Oh nothing much mate.
Just a few odds and ends that we’ll need to clear up. Mostly financial. But
don’t worry about that, it’s all in hand.
Scene
12 boys show girls shop
Boys
hear rattling of front door. Lights fail. They are in utter darkness.
IAN: What the hell was
that? This place is giving me the creeps.
JASON: Don’t worry, matey,
probably some migrant birds moving south for sunnier climes. This time of year
they flock on mass and did you know they don’t even need a map and then…
ALLY (aggressive whisper) Shut it, Jas. Bloody junkie wasters no doubt,
I’ll sort them.
Picking
up a heavy piece of wood, Ally heads in stealth for the door.
With
wood above head he makes a mighty roar:
ALLY: Take that ya basturds
ye!
SUZIE: (screaming) Stop! It’s us!
A shaken Suzie, followed by
Jenny and Catherine stagger into the store.
Having dusted themselves
down, Ian approaches.
IAN: Bonjour le dolls. Whit
de ye think your daeing here. (grandly) on
oor premises?
CATHERINE: We were worried
about you so, we followed you to see what you were up to.
SUZIE: That’s not the
reason, we wanted to see if you’d actually got yourselves an interview or even
better a job!
JENNY: Yes, cos I need to
get into town soon or I’ll only have four hours to closing time. What do you
mean by premises, by the way. What is this place?
ALLY: This, my little
snoozlebug, is our new job. This magnificent store.
Taking
Jenny by the arm he leads her through the shop, into the kitchen and round the
back. Ian and Jason do likewise with their burds. They all re-assemble in the
kitchen.
CATHERINE: (glowing) it really is great lads. Always
knew you’d pull through. Your own wee business as well. Well done.
IAN: Aye, it’s magic so it
is.
SUZIE: Hold on a minute.
What exactly is this business?
IAN: Whit d’ye mean? it’s a
shop innit?
Looks
at Ally and Jason with a mickey taking expression.
JASON: That’s right
Sooozin, it’s a shop. Establishment for selling merchandise or providing a
service or such like. In the ever changing world of freelance consumerism it’s
necessary to consider…
SUZIE. I can see it’s a
shop you idiots. What kind of shop is it?
IAN: (laughing) What kind
of shop, she says. What kind of shop. HA HA. (then reflectively) what kind of shop?
JASON: Well it’s err a shop
isn’t it. It’s a…
Both
look to Ally who has just turned white in realisation. He glances upwards, a
million ideas flip through his head, rolling his head back down to admit defeat
his eyes happen on a dusty old Ikea catalogue, he relaxes and smiles broadly
before declaring:-
ALLY: It’s a furniture shop
of course. We sell furniture.
GITRLS (incredulously) Furniture?!!!!
IAN and Jas: Aye, err furniture.
That’s right, isn’t it, Ally.
ALLY (assertively): Aye, this, my friends, is going to be the best
furniture store in the world. Humble though these premises may be I have a
vision of an empire. An empire with you three girls and us three boys. It’s an
empire built on commercial success, solid business beliefs and a forward
thinking marketing plan. This my friends is the future.
JENNY: But you’re talking
rubbish. You don’t know anything about furniture. You don’t even have any. (Pauses) Will you have any sales on?
ALLY: Details, details,
details. Don’t worry about the details. Now if I might be granted some privacy
my business partners and I have some serious discussions to be getting on with.
Scene 13 boys down Exchequer.
Lads
are all suited and booted trying to pass off an air of importance to fellow
drinkers. Ian’s suit is 70s stylee- borrowed from Jason’s dad and is a good
four sizes too small for him. Drinkers are looking round and laughing at the
gang as they walk up to the bar.
RODDY: Ho. You boys look
like a bunch ah twats. What’s it with the suits. Going tae a wedding?
SHAZZA: Mair like a funeral
if ye ask me!
RODDY: (takes glass from
behind bar): To the bride and grooms!
IAN: Ach away and boil yer
heids. We are new professional businessmen, so there. Get it up ye.
ALLY (to Ian): Sit down you and ignore them. We’ve got some serious work
to do.
JASON: What’s the strategy
then matey? Looking forward to hearing quarterly and annual projections over
the first five years and how you see our initial investment growing. Imagine
you’ve worked out it will be moderate to tough in the first anno but then as
our market share increases expansion could be
a realistic, if not inevitable, possibility.
ALLY: Err, not exactly.
IAN: What is the plan? Ah
mean. A serious commitment like a furniture shop – it’s no’ something you pull
oot the air on a whim, is it? (Ian goes
dead pan) Is it? Is it (Ian realises
Ally has winged it and slumps his head on hands and starts groaning.). Whit
huv ye done? Whit huv ye done? There is no plan. No global empire. Whit are we
gonnae dae? The girls’ll never huv us back.
ALLY: Look yous – it’s no’
ma fault. We had tae find a job didn’t we?
IAN & JAS: Aye.
ALLY: We couldnae find one,
could we?
IAN & JAS: No.
ALLY: So what else could we
do but start our own business. And (looking
at Jas) don’t give me any of that Uni crap. Ye can forget that.
IAN: What utter bollox.
Couldn’t find a job so started ma own business. That’s like saying ah fancied
some fish and chips so ah bought a trawler and a potato plantation or a fancied
a sleep so ah went to a Tschaovski concert.
Anyway, ah would have got a
job no problem. You boys were keeping me back. As for this suit, you can shove
it.
(Ian
furiously tries to undo his tie to the delight of onlooking drinkers. Failing,
he sits down exhausted).
ALLY: Listen lads. Ah know
it’s crazy but I tell you something. It might just work. Ah’ve got a very good
feeling. You see, everyone these days is going large. Large burgers, large
mortgage, large underpants, large titties. And it’s the same with shopping;
monster supermarkets, monster warehouses monster grocers. BUT my friends, the
tide is turning. Take France
IAN: Some nice burds in France
ALLY. Aye right, Ian, ah
was saying. Small is going to come back. Small will be the next big thing ah
tell ye. People will want their tatties from a small greengrocers, not a big
massive supermarket. They’ll want their table and chairs too. Think local!
JAS: He’s got a point you
know. The very essence of British society has slowly but surely eroded away
with the onset of consumerism. But with people becoming increasingly
environmentally aware, there are signs of a return to old fashioned values.
Walk, not drive, to buy your meat at the butchers, buy your bananas at the
grocers…
ALLY: And buy your gallus
wee shelves at the furniture shop! See? Brilliant.
(Ian
in a daze still thinking of French
burds.)
That’s right, isn’t it, Ian?
IAN: Aye, French burds huv
really big melons. Vicky Michelle. Allo Allo doll! Count me in!!!!! Who’s fur
another one?!
Scene
14: Ikea
Boys
in parked car– Jason in disguise with shades, sideburns and blonde surfer wig.
He’s got a large camera round his neck and a note pad and pencil at the ready.
Ian wearing Jason’s dad suit again but without the tie.
ALLY: Did you really need
to wear that garb, Jas? Are you not going a bit far. We only want a quick look
round here. Just to get a feel for what’s going on. And I don’t know what
you’re laughing at Ian, wearing that bloody suit again. You look like a couple
of first class tossers.
JAS: Matey. This is serious
business. We are in the realms of our competitors’ kingdom. What we are doing
is probably highly illegal.
IAN: Yer arse. We’re only
going into Ikea for a quick reccie and some meatballs.
JAS: No, there are wider
implications. Once our business grows and we’re making our first million, Ikea
will claim our products were influenced by them and they’d have us on CCTV.
ALLY: Right, let’s get in
there. Let’s make it quick and then we’re out! Ok.
Boys
wander round the store, which is rammed, Jas taking photos and notes. Ian and
Ally fake interest in curtains, feeling the fabrics and pretending to
appreciate the quality of the goods. After 5 minutes they head to the canteen.
Sitting down at a table with meatballs they discuss their plan.
IAN: Well, I can conclude their
stuff is shite. Absolutely no threat to our business at all.
Jason: I disagree. Whilst
the quality of the goods are suspect from a purists perspective, the demand is
high which from a business rationale is something that should be considered
when drawing comparative judgments in a non-subjective manner. A question I
have, my learned friends, is from where exactly we will source our furniture or
were we considering in-house manufacture. This of course could be a viable
option. Particularly so should we have the diligence, aptitude and necessary
apparatus.
IAN: You’ve got a point
Jas. Where are we getting oor gear from?
ALLY: (smiling) boys o’ boys o’ boys. Have you no faith. Have you no
brains. Your old da here has a plan. Now listen.
(boys huddle round table in hushed tones as Ally relates his idea; Jason
nervously looking all around him, side-burns gone skewy.)
JAS: Are you saying to me
that we’re just going to buy the stuff from here; change the stickers on the
box, double the price and flog it on?
IAN (slapping Ally on the back): Sounds a fine plan tae me! Visionary,
mate.
ALLY: Not only that boys,
we’re going to offer a premium service. You know how you get that flat packed
stuff home and the wifey wants it assembled pronto. You and I know it’s a
minimum four hour job, usually when the footie’s on or yer mates are down the
boozer. In other words, yer average man’s nightmare.
IAN: Aye so whit?
ALLY: We’ll assemble it for
them. Everything in the shop will be pre-assembled. When word spreads, men will
direct all their woman folk into oor wee shop. See?
JAS: Whilst I appreciate
your attempts for market differentiation, I am highly concerned about the legal
aspects of this venture.
ALLY: Are you saying it’s
illegal to sell furniture?
JAS: But your essentially
pinching stuff from a competitor and selling it on.
IAN: Aye, so whit?
ALLY: Anyway, who’s got a
better idea?
Silence
for a second or two.
IAN: No me. Ah think it’s
magic.
JAS: (dejectedly): Ok let’s see what happens. Don’t say I didn’t warn
you.
ALLY: And boys. This is the
best bit. We’ll go for a Scottish theme. Forget these shitty wee meatballs;
we’ll have black puddings. Forget those stupid Swedish names like Aarsole for a
cabinet – we’ll go Scottish. Free enterprise and all that.
IAN: Brilliant! Let’s get a
bevvy to celebrate.
ALLY: No bevvy for you
today, I’m afraid. You’ve got a very important appointment tomorrow.
Scene
15 Ian in bank with Manager.
Bank Manager (losing patience): So, let me just get
this straight, Mr Grant. You and er, your two so-called business partners, want
to open a furniture shop on Byres road selling modern day items. To do so, you
need a loan of 100,000 pounds with 20,000 up front.
IAN: Aye, mate. Ah mean
yes, sir bank manager, sir.
Bank Manager: Just tell me
one last time why you think this will be successful.
IAN: Well ye see mate. Er
sir, it’s all aboot market differentiation, environmentalism and consumer
capitalism. In this modern society in which we live, people aspire to new
things like gallus wee lamps and coffee tables. People also need a choice. Like
when yer doon the boozer you don’t just get whisky, dae ye? Noh, ye get lager,
beer, cider…
Bank Manager: Yes, I am
aware of common iniventorys in public houses.
IAN: But whit choice dae
people huv wi furniture? None ah tell ye, none. Your poor wee Granny on the
street, your man without a car, your disabled housewife, your gay lover all huv
to track all the way doon tae some super massive store somewhere. Then forced
tae eat meatballs, they huv to lug it all hame and then tae top it all off,
they huv tae build it themselves. That’s right, they huv tae build it. Can ye
believe it? It’s a shocking reflection of the sorry times we live in.
Bank Manger: Musing. Hmm.
Maybe. But what do you propose as an alternative and how do you see the
business growth. Most importantly, how would you replay this substantial loan?
IAN: Ah that’s easy, me
friend, sir. We will offer square slice and Irn bru; tottie scone and broon
sauce.
Bank Manger: Ah was meaning
more in terms of the business, not the cuisine.
IAN: Aye, ah see. Well, we
give the whole Scottish experience, service wi misery and a cup o’ tea. We’ll huv the Daily record on the tables and
copies o’ the Oor Wullie fur the kiddies. Not only that but we will assemble
the furniture ourselves.
BANK MANAGER: The payments.
The payments. HOW WILL YOU PAY?!!!! Then (hushed
tone) Can you still get Oor Wullie, by the way?
IAN: Ah’ll get yi a copy,
don’t you worry, free of charge.
BANK : Aye that’d be great
(stops in his tracks).. The payments.
The payments! How will you PAY?
IAN: Through a determined
aggressive sales growth.
BANK MANAGER: What do you
mean?
IAN: We will sell the goods
tae the punters.
BANK MANAGER (giving up): And your partners. Tell me
about them.
IAN: They have been hand
selected on the basis of the business potential. I have a PhD qualified chemist
and a Regulatory Affairs manager.
BANK MANAGER: What the hell
do they know about furniture?
IAN (trying to look shocked): Everything there is to know. They are
experts.
BANK MANAGER: Experts in
what exactly?
IAN (superior tone): One of my partners, Dr Grant has a PhD in Chemistry
from the University
of Cambridge
Bank Manager (muttering): I give up.
IAN: Whit was that, mate
sir?
BANK MANAGER: Nothing. Just
sign this and go. Go. And don’t come back.
IAN: Ya beauty!
Ian
leaves Bank. Close on Manager opening a jar of pills and downing half of them.
Scene
16: On the golf course
Ally,
Ian and Jason on golf course with Ewan, their posh mate, who’s filthily minted,
from Edinburgh
JAS (on the tee): Par 5, 595 yards. Think I’ll use my 7 iron to for this
one. Like the seven iron me, could play with it all day. Hand crafted in Sheffield , remember watching Brighton
v United up there a few years back. C’mon the mighty seagulls, head down eye on
the ball, slow draw back then a fast follow through.
IAN: If you don’t get a
move on, I’ll follow through with ma driver right up yer jacksie.
Jason’s
shot takes off straight like a rocket and lands slap bang on the fairway. A
perfect shot.
JASON: Bit disappointed
with that. Over hit it; should have used my eight. Love the number eight me, I
do. Sheffield steel.
Ian
and Ally both hack thei’s straight into the trees.
EWAN: Shots like that are
typical of your average Glaswegian golfer. No style, no finesse. Ewan confidently strides up and blasts his
tee shot past Jasons, bouncing an easy pitch away from the green. No need
to applause chaps, I might only get an eagle on this one. Give you a sporting
chance, eh? You see, Edinburgh
IAN: Aye, Ewan. You know
that business proposition we were err proposing tae ye?
EWAN: No.
IAN: Aye ye do. The
furniture shop. The shop.
EWAN: Oh that furniture shop. Here was me
thinking you had something that might be of interest to me. Like a caviar
franchise in Manhattan South
Africa
IAN: Well, are you in mate
or not?
EWAN: 50% cut.
IAN: Whit? 50% That’s
outrageous. How about 10%?
EWAN: 40% or nothing.
IAN: 20%.
Ewan: 30% final offer, take
it or leave it. I have better things to do with my money than pay for you boys
to have piss ups in the west end.
180
yard pitch lands inches from the hole.
IAN: 20% and as much black
pudding as ye can eat.
Clearly
distracted, Ewan misses putt.
EWAN (pauses): McSwegan black pudding?
IAN: Aye. The best.
EWAN: Deal.
The
boys all shake hands and head off to the 19th.
Scene
17: In the shop. Evening
Boys
throwing a shop warming party for the girls. They have cava, sausage rolls and
caramel wafers. Boys have painted everything white. The place is spotless. New lights
have been installed to give a modernistic but bare look.
ALLY: So what do you think
girls? It’s good eh?
SUZIE: Oh, I don’t know.
Think it needs a tidy up.
JENNY: Yep far too dirty
for my liking.
CATHERINE: Och no they’re
having you on, looks fantastic.
IAN: And the peace de
resistance….
(Ian
pulls back a dirty bed sheet over the door facing wall which unveils the shop
name)
“World of Wood!” (stands back triumphantly) WOW
- gettit? People will say their going to WOW. We’ve got the WOW factor
in oor hoose they’ll say. That’ll be oor catch phrase – “get your Wow factor
here.”
The
girls nod in genuine appreciation. Each looks proudly and silently at their
partner. The magic of the moment is broken…
JASON: That’s not how you
spell it. World does not have a “U” in it.
Ian
receives a slap from Ally.
ALLY: Ya tosser ye.
Ian: Ya buggers ye. Why
didn’t ye tell me? Ah was up all night painting that.
CATHERINE: (yawning to Ian) Oooh I’m getting tired.
IAN: Aye, ye’ve been over
doing it, love and missing all ma wit and charm at hame.
Catherine: I said, I’m tired, Ian. I fancy an early night.
IAN: Are you saying whit ah
think yer saying?
(Catherine gives him a lingering kiss) Wow. I’ve made my first piece
of furniture.
CATHERINE (dreamily) What do you mean, darling?
IAN: Ah’ve got some wood in
ma troosers! Get it? Wood!
Laughing,
they float off blissfully out of the shop..
SUZIE (to Jason): You come here too you.
Jason: What me? I’ve got a
lot to do here Sooozin what with the wood work, self assembly of art deco
furniture and creation of a succulent lunch time menu…
Suzie
grabs Jason and they too head off.
ALLY: (looking at Jenny): That just leaves us, love.
JENNY: Well I’m certainly
not doing what they’re doing.
ALLY (gutted): Oh. (Silence). Ok,
I’ll stay in the flat tonight. Wait till we get our first sales. Really prove
ourselves then you’ll have me back.
JENNY (unbuttoning her blouse): No you dafty, I can’t wait to get you
home. (Seductively) I’m you first
customer (kisses him) and …I’ve
come…to inspect…your goods.
End
with Ally and Jenny wrapped round each other whilst one handedly locking the door
and closing the shutters.
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