Boys
in the wood
Episode
6
Proposal
CAST
LIST
ALLY
IAN
JASON
JENNY
CATHERINE
SUSAN
JOE
SHAZ
DAZ
SCENE
1: Jas and Suzie in parked car heading for home.
JAS:
I’m really looking forward to making that Luftwaffe Messerschmitt model K-450
Z2E kit tonight. Nice bit of two pack epoxy adhesive, taking care not to spill
any on the table Soozin, as we all know what glue can do to wood, don’t we now,
nor to inhale any of the fumes, regulatory-wise considered a flammable irritant
with ecological consequences for fish and fauna. Soozin? Soozin? I say Soozin?
Are you OK Soozin?
Suzie looking dreamily out of car at a church
wedding. Bride and groom smile radiantly as the perfectly dressed ensemble shower
confetti on the happy couple.
Soozin.
I say Soozin!
SUZIE:
(still in a daze).Yes Jason?
JAS:
I say Soozin, Soozin are you ok Soozin? Your eyes are all glazed, Soozin like
you’re dreaming of an exotic holiday in Clacton
or maybe Southend. I love Southend me, with the sand between your toes, Soozin
as the sun beats down on your glistening blonde hair whilst you partake of a
fruity cocktail, not too high in alcohol content mind as you know you’re only
allowed 14 units a week and you’re probably there for 10 days, Soozin. Need to
pace yourself, Sooozin, pace yourself, Soozin. That’s the game of life,
everything in moderation. Moderation, Soozin. You Ok, Soozin?
SUZIE:
Oh, it’s just that…
JASON:
Yes, Soozin? Out with it, me young lover me lass me girl me beauty.
SUZIE:
Well. Just look.
Jas looks over to happily wedded couple.
Will
we do that someday, Jas?
JASON:
Of course we will, Soozin.
SUZIE:
Do you love me, Jason?
JASON:
You know I do Soozin. I love you more than the hole in polo mints, more than
the salt packet in salt and shake more than the stars forming a theatrical
extravaganza illumination underneath a moon lit sky more than..
SUZIE:
More than Bobby Zamora?
Jas pausing thinking deeply.
JAS:
Yes, more than Bobby goal machine Zamora
SUZIE:
Well, what are you waiting for man? Are you a man or a mouse?
JAS:
Soozin, that’s a very intellectual question that cannot be answered in a
meagrely moment or two. When one considers the Darwinian origin of species
theory there are a number of highly significant factors to consider and much
debate would ensue.
Suzie looks at Jas steelily. Jas shuts up. He takes
a deep breath and gets out of the car, opens the passenger door and gets down
on one knee. Holds Suzie’s hand.
JAS:
(Gulping) Do you Soozin Emily
Gertrude Anderson nice dinner Soozin Smith take me Jason loving everything in a
highly enthusiastic but slightly irritating manner Palace 0 Brighton 4 Gordon
Smith Thwaites to be my fiancé?
SUZIE:
Oh Jason, I thought you’d never ask. Of course I do. Gives Jas a kiss and pulls her phone out at the same time.
JAS:
Oh thank goodness for that then. Let’s get home and get that Messerschmitt
made.
Drive off at speed.
SCENE
2: Ally and Ian in world of wood discussing marriage: topic on radio.
IAN: Aye, that’s a load of
pants that.
ALLY: Eh? What is?
IAN: That whole marriage
malarkey. Listen to him rabbiting on. Commitment, expression of love, public
declaration of devotion. Total bollox. I mean I’m totally devoted to my Wii –
doesn’t mean I need to put a ring on it’s finger and walk about with it for the
rest of my life. Anyway, I might want to play with something else someday.
ALLY: Aye like yer tadger. Mate
– you’re a tosser. Weddings and marriages are nothing to do with us men. It’s
for women. Since they were wee girls that’s all they want to do – fancy white
dress and a dirty big cake. It’s all that Barbie’s fault. Filling their head
with rubbish. Her and Jimmy Saville.
IAN: Aye, a suppose so.
Radio: And it’s regarded in today’s society that men who are in a serious
relationship with their partner out of wed-lock for more than 1 year that
cannot make a commitment in front of God are nothing other than immature.
Living the bachelors’ life, drinking and playing computer games. Real men take
the plunge and do the decent thing.
ALLY: Ha ha - that’s you he’s talking about. Immature. No
commitment. Rather play with their play station.
Ian
looks angry and is about to blast Ally when Phone goes.
JAS: (hyper) Ally, is that you Ally?
ALLY: Aye, it’s me Jas.
JAS: How’d you know it was
me?
ALLY: ‘Cos you phoned me.
JAS: Oh. Yes I did. Hmm.
Good point, well made. What can I do for you my wise friend, astute, steady and
eagerly ready for a new mornings events.
ALLY: What?! You phoned me.
What do you want?
JAS: (Pause). Oh. Yes there you go again. Spot on, always on the ball.
First in the tackle Hard but fair, reminiscent of a young Beckenbauer strolling
through the game, nothing passing him, up and down, always thinking, always
thinking.
ALLY: Jas! What is it?!!!!
What do you want?!!!!
JAS: (Thinking hard.) Ah that’s right, it’s coming to me now. Pub pub
pub. Watering hole, den of iniquity, ales and schnifters. Need to go to pub! We
are celebrating, matey. You know Sooozin and me? Sooozin. I say Soooozin and me
well she loves me Soozin does. Loves me, Oh a luv you Soooooooooozin I do. I love
you Sooooooozin I do. I love you Sooooooozin I do. Oh Soooooozin I love you.
Altogether now…..starts clapping and singing louder.
ALLY: Haud on a minute.
Haud on a minute. Are you saying what I think you are saying?
JAS: All perceptive one, oh
pinnacle of society oh rumbler in the jungle with a penchant for furniture
assembly. Indeed, may I be so bold to declare on this bright and breezy,
although winds are due to increase in a predominantly south westerly direction
towards the latter part of the afternoon, that Soooooozin Emily Anderson and I
Jason Bobby Brighton 3 Crystal Palace Nil nice one my son Thwaites are engaged
to be married!
Ally
turns white, drops the phone - it goes dead.
IAN: Ally, Ally are you ok?
Is it your mum? Your dad? Oh no, don’t tell me there’s no Stella left in the
flat.
ALLY: Noh, worse than that.
IAN: Whit we’re out of bog
roll again? I told Jas to get more, he’s always forgetting that boy.
ALLY: No, much worse than
that….he’s getting married!
Ian
staggers around then collapses.
SCENE
3: Joe in café, happily cleaning tables. The song “Save your love ma darling”
playing in the background. Pausing, he pulls a photo of Suzie from his chest
shirt pocket and kisses it.
JOE:
(singing) Save my love ma darling a
save da ma luvva a. Oh yes a ma beautiful a Suzie a. Soon you will a be a all a
mine a. With the morning a and the moonlight a star above a.
He opens drawer behind cupboard and unwraps a well
hidden package. It’s a ring.
Ah
da ring a. From ma mummy a in a Tuscan valley a. Mama Mama. Soona she a will be
mine a Suzie a. Soon a she will a be all a mine a.
Kisses photo again and continues singing as clearing
tables.
SCENE
4: Catherine, Suzie and Jenny in the flat together, Suzie gushing about
engagement.
SUZIE:
Oh, ah can’t believe it. Jas proposed to
me. Look!!!!! Completely out of the blue as well. Didn’t see it coming at all –
he such an impromptu spontaneous guy and he wasn’t even steaming!
JENNY:
(handing glasses of champagne around.) Hmmm.
SUZIE:
We’re just going to have a simple wedding. You know, nothing flash; just a few family
and friends and a honeymoon in Saltcoats -Jas says things are a bit tight after
he bought us those matching cagoules from Millets for Xmas.
CATHERINE:
Oh that’s so lovely, Susan. Congratulations!!!! So romantic as well.
JENNY:
(muttering) Yes, middle of Byres road
on a Saturday afternoon.
SUZIE:
Sorry, what was that Jenny?
JENNY:
Nothing.
SUZIE:
No, what did you say?
JENNY:
Huh, when I get engaged I want champagne, truffles, designer hand bags and the
Eiffel tower!
SUZIE:
You’re just jealous.
JENNY:
Am not. I could get engaged any day if I wanted; just not convenient at the moment. Ally and I
talk about weddings every day.
CATHERINE:
Oh, didn’t know that.
JENNY:
Well, you wouldn’t, would you?
CATHERINE:
Oh it’s just that, Ian said Ally said he’d rather be hit by a bus than get
married as he’s too young to die.
JENNY:
That’s total lies! Ally would marry me at the drop of hat!
SUZIE:
Ok Mrs smartie pants…where’s your ring?
JENNY:
Just ‘cos I don’t have a ring doesn’t mean I’m not getting married. In fact
I’ll probably be married before you!
SUZIE:
Prove it!
JENNY:
OK then, I will (stomps out!).
SCENE
5: Boys down the pub: Ally, Daz and Ian – awaiting Jas
DAZ: You are joking, man. Ah
cannae believe it man. And a thought Jas was the sensible one amongst you lot.
The one with the brains.
IAN: Aye, such are the
wicked and wily ways of women. Can bring a broken man to his knees. Alone,
destitute, on the streets and with nothing more than distant memories of freedom.
ALLY: Nods in agreement.
Mind you, I can see you getting married soon.
IAN: Me. Scotland England
DAZ: If ye keep drinking
the way ye keep drinking, there soon will be man! (serves Ian another pint).
IAN: continuing. I’d rather
not see another water drop on a daisy on fresh spring morning…
ALLY: See – you’re soft in
the head, man. You’ll be married in the next year, no doubt. Just like the
guffer on the radio was saying. Someone like you, completely under the thumb
with Catherine, is a guaranteed case. Can I be your best man?
IAN: (getting angry). Best man. Best man!? You’re more likely to be my
worst man, for all that crap you talk. Standing up, hand on heart. I do
solemnly swear I am not getting married. I tell ye, marriage is for women. I
will stand fast. I will remain single. I am a man. I am a hunter. Say no! Only
weaklings like Jas get married.
ALLY
and DAZ give Ian a round of applause and slap him on the back.
ALLY: Well said son, that
almost brought a tear to my eye. I’m choked up.
IAN: Thanks, mate. Needed
to be said. Anyway, you’ll be married well before me.
ALLY: Me? No chance.
Jenny’s not interested in getting married.
IAN: Aye, that’s no’ what a
heard!
ALLY: Never. You’ll be wed
before me. Guaranteed.
DAZ: Boys, boys. You’re
getting loud. Calm it doon lads. This is a pub no a bingo hall. Then whispering
ah’ll tell ye what men man. Why don’t you boys put a wee wager on it man. A bet
like, eh.
IAN: Ahm no a betting man.
ALLY: Aye, that’s ‘cos you
know ye’ll lose.
IAN: Awright ahll bet ye 10
quid you’re married before me.
DAZ: Ten quid
man? Ten quid?
ALLY:
Aye, lets say 500 quid if you’ve got any bollox.
IAN:
500 quid? Huh typical woman you are.
DAZ:
Let’s call it a grand, lads. After all man it’s a life changing experience and
the winner will need the money to go to the losers wedding!
IAN:
Aye. Ok then. Ah could do with a thousand bar.
ALLY:
Me too. Deal! Boys shake hands.
IAN:
And what about you Daz? All smug there. You’re no’ exactly Mr and Mrs are ye?
It might be you married next! In fact, I’m certain you’re more likely to be
married than even Ally. Aye, it’s a deffo. You’ll be second Dazza!!!!
DAZ
(angry with Ian): Away man. Ah’ll
never get married. Shazza man and me have an understanding man.
ALLY
& IAN: Shut it and put yer money where your mouth is!
DAZ:
No way man! Gambling is for fools man. Ah cannae take risks like that ma. Ah
need tae think o’ the business man. All this (waves arms around empty pub) could be gone.
ALLY
& IAN: (nodding) aye fair enough,
mate. But you could choose which one o’ us you think it’d be. So you’ve nothing
to lose, err, apart from a grand maybe.
Jas:
Good evening, good evening, good evening, my fine old matey heartys. Three of
your most excellent ales young Dazza my hospitable landlord companion and one
for yourself too, naturally. Always have to look after your host. Treat them
like you like to be treated, I say. Best get some double malts in too,
medicinal yet celebratory fluid. One might consider whisky as the ultimate
beverage…
ALLY:
Congratulations, mate! Well done. Ahm really proud of you, getting engaged and
that.
IAN:
Aye we were just saying what a fine tradition marriage is. You’re a very lucky
man!
DAZ:
There ye go lads. Best drink up man!
SCENE 6: In town; Shaz and Daz strolling along high
street
SHAZ: Ahm starving man, Dazza man. Can
we no’ go for lunch man?
DAZ:
No way man. Ah told ye we don’t have any money man. Things are tight man. Anyway,
it’s only 10 o’clock and ye
had a dirty big breakfast o’ 4 black puddings, 3 sausages, 2 eggs, 6 hash
browns, a tin o’ beans, a packet o’ mushrooms and 6 rounds o’ toast.
SHAZ:
Ah true but it’s no ma fault that’s all ah could eat, wisnae hungry then man.
But ahm starving noo man and there’s a new Thai just opened across the road
man.
DAZ:
Away man, how many times do ah need to tell ye man. Ye’re no getting any o’
that posh make up man, ye’re no getting one o’ they designer hand bags man and
ye’re no getting that Versace dress man and you are most definitely not getting
one of those Pandora bracelets man! So stop taking me roond these shops and
stop asking for stuff man.
SHAZ:
You’re a right tight arse, man. Ah should’ve listened tae ma mam man.
Walk along in silence. Suddenly across the road, Daz
spots Ally and Jenny hand in hand entering jewelers shop.
DAZ:
(muttering) ah the dirty wee man man.
Ah knew it. Ah knew it! If only had put that bet on man. The mischievous smile gets phone out. Excuse
me Shazza man just need to make an important call man.
DAZ:
Hullo Ian man. It’s Dazza man
IAN:
Aye what do ye want? Don’t tell me you’re engaged.
DAZ:
Na na na . Nothing like that man, only women like you would do that man!
IAN
(Red rag to bull): Ach away and boil
yer heid. You’re the won that’ll be next. No’ me. No’ me ah tell ye!!!!
DAZ:
Calm down, man. Ah was just thinking man that it’s no right you lads have put a
bet on and ahm no’ in it.
IAN:
Aye what are ye saying mate? I’ve got a shopful here. (Shop is empty).
DAZ:
Well, I’d like to put a wee wager on man but just wi’ you
IAN:
Just wi’ me? How does that work?
DAZ:
Ah bet you Ally is next to get engaged. And ahll bet ye 2 grand.
IAN:
2 grand?! 2 grand?! Ah don’t have 2 grand mate.
DAZ:
Aye ah thought so man. All talk and no action man.
IAN:
But that’s daft. I’m betting with Ally that he’ll be engaged before me. Why
should you bet with me?
DAZ:
Errr, ah already asked Ally and he said no he wouldn’t let me bet. Just think
what you could do with 2 grand man. If he’s next after Jason to get engaged
you’ll get a grand anyway man.
IAN:
Aye, right ah suppose so. Ah hudnae thought a that. Ah thought ye’d be first
anyway. Then ah would get two grand. So I’ll either get 2 grand or 1 grand as
ahm no getting engaged first! Aye right ye are Dazza man. Two grand it is.
Although ahm no sure ah understand. So if you get engaged before Ally you owe
me 2 grand. But if Ally gets engaged before you, I give you 2 grand.
DAZ:
That’s right man. And you’ve bet against Ally so if he’s engaged before you, he
gives you a grand. You’ve nothing to lose man!
IAN
(completely lost) Aye right, ah
suppose so. Right, deal, 2 grand it is mate!
DAZ:
(picking up Shaz and kissing her ) Right
big, bad, mental Shazza man!
We’re
celebrating, man. Ah feel we’re gonna be in the money very soon, man! Let’s go
shopping, man!
SHAZ:
Oh Dazza, man! Can ah get wan oh they magic wee bracelets, man? They’re only 500
bar, man.
DAZ:
You certainly can, man! There’s a wee jewelers across the road man!
As Shaz and Daz enter jewelers Ally and Jenny walk out,
hand in hand and smiling blissfully.
ALLY:
I’m glad that’s sorted at last, darling. (looking
at watch) Only 5 pounds for a new battery as well.
JENNY:
Yes, about time too if you ask me!
DAZ:
(winks knowingly at Ally) – Oh been
in the jewelers then man?
ALLY:
Yes we have. Fancy seeing you two here. Then
clicks. Thinks they’re going to buy a ring.
DAZ:
On cloud nine are we man?
ALLY:
Aye, ye could say that, mate. Thinking deeply. Nice to see you. Very nice to see
you. We must be off! Oh, and mate.
DAZ:
Aye, man.
ALLY:
Congratulations, man!
DAZ:
eh? Oh, eh aye and same tae you man! Yer a lovely couple man!
SCENE 7: in shop Ally goes to see Ian
ALLY:
Hey mate, how’s it going pal.?
IAN:
Aye ahm fine- nae thanks to you; I’ve been working my botty off single handed
here all day!
ALLY:
Sorry mate – had some business to attend to. I’ll put the kettle on and look
here’s a donut for ye. It’s yer favourite, Boston Crème.
IAN:
Oh, thanks mate. What are ye after?
ALLY:
What do you mean? Just checking my old best mate is all right. Here, you take
the tea and the bun and have a sit down, I’ll take care of things here.
IAN:
Aye, all right. Ah suppose so.
Ally:
Err mate?
IAN:
(Warming) Aye mate, what is it?
ALLY:
You know that bet we’ve got on it about who’s getting engaged after Jas?
IAN:
Aye. What about it. Are you chickening out?
ALLY:
Most certainly not!
IAN:
Aye, ah knew it. Ah knew it. Ye are- you’re chickening out!
ALLY:
No, I am certainly not. In fact, it’s the opposite. I’d like to spice it up a
bit?
IAN:
Whit do ye mean “spice it up a bit?”
ALLY:
Well, you think I’ll be next right?
IAN:
Aye, err, yes, sort of.
ALLY:
Well ah think Daz will be next!
IAN:
Aye, do ye now?
ALLY:
Yes, I do.
IAN:
What are you saying exactly?
ALLY:
I want to bet you 2grand Daz will be first.
IAN:
Och, no’ you as well!
ALLY:
Eh?
IAN:
Oh nothing. Nothing. Then thinks. Aye Ok, I’ll bet you 2 grand that you are engaged
before Daz, making a total of 3 grand keeping the original bet we had.
ALLY:
Original deal. Eh? Oh aye, aye, don’t worry about that. Oh no, ah mean aye.
Aye. Ok. Deal!!!!.
Punter (Anderson) comes in. Miserable.
IAN:
Work here?!– ah own the place monsieur. At yer service. How can ah help ye?
IAN:
What do you mean Y-fronts ya perv? This is a furniture shop.
ALLY:
Oh aye, having a clear out are ye?
IAN:
Well you don’t seem too happy about it, my friend.
IAN:
Ally shake their heads.
IAN,
ALLY nod heads.
PUNTER;
Ah used to have a girlfriend.
IAN:
(Suspiciously) Oh aye?
PUNTER:
Aye. Lovely it was at first, lovely. Then we got engaged. Then we got married.
Noo look at me. Noo look at me. Ahm oot on the streets. Needing to buy cheap crappo
falling to bits furniture for ma bedsit. No even got a pair o’ pants to ma
name!
IAN:
Steady on! How dare you say that about this furniture. It’s no’ cheap.
PUNTER:
Stay away from women ah tell ye, stay away! Yer doomed ah tell ye, doomed! Storms out.
IAN:
Right, ahm off.
ALLY:
What? It’s only 4 o’clock !
IAN:
(gloomily) Aye, got to rush.
ALLY:
Washing your hair are ye?
IAN:
Noh. Dinner wi’ Cat. Something’s up – sounds serious. Pause. She’s getting all romantic.
ALLY:
Oh aye. Right.
IAN:
Why, what are you up to tonight?
ALLY:
Dinner with Jenny. Something’s up – sounds serious. Pause. She’s getting all romantic.
Both then look at each other and gulp, thinking the
same thing, viz: that the girlies want them to propose.
ALLY:
Fancy a pint, mate?
IAN:
Aye!!!!
Grab jackets and sprint out of shop. Lowering shutters
with a flourish and banging down closed sign.
SCENE 8: Shaz and Daz in Jewellers
SHAZ:
Aww the bracelet’s lovely, thanks Dazza man.
DAZ:
Full
o the joys: Aye yer welcome pet, man.
SHAZ:
Aww, just need a ring now.
DAZ:
A ring?!. No, no, way man.
Shaza:
Oh please, Dazza man. You would if ye loved me. Suzie’s got one. Jas is a real
man, man. He proposed and everything man.
DAZ:
Aye mebbes. Aye.
SHAZZA:
Please man ahd do anything to marry you Dazza man.
DAZ:
(To owner): Bet you’re doing good
business today man with these, eh? (pointing
to rings).
OWNER:
Yes, just sold one to a lovely couple. They’re all the rage.
DAZ:
Aha ha ha ha bet they are, man. Aye, give us one then, man.
SHAZ: Oh Dazza
man, Dazza man! Does that mean we’re engaged?!
DAZ:
Aye man it does man!
SCENE 9: Cat and Suzie in café with Joe
JOE:
Ah can a resist it no longer a!
Joe flourishes a single red rose from behind his back,
takes Suzies hand and gets on bended knee.
SUZIE:
What?!!! What are you doing, Joe!!!!
CATHERINE:
(startled) Think he’s going to
propose!
SUZIE:
Get away with you, woman!
JOE:
Suzie a, ah love you a. You are a most beautiful a woman a in the world a. Do
not a marry a that useless twat a Jas a Bobby Zamora Brighton a 5 a Palace nil
a nice a one a ma son a.
SUZIE:
(Embarrassed) Shhhhhh! You’re making
a scene.
JOE:
You a must a marry a me a it is a destiny a. I a feel it a in a ma heart a in a
ma blood a in a ma toes a in my arms a ma legs a ma feet a and ma dangly bits
a.
SUZIE:
(Splutters laughing.) You don’t mean
that, surely. Why should I possible marry you?
CATHERINE:
Yes – good question Suzie. Leave her alone …oh and can I have another donut. She
can’t marry you.
JOE:
But a why a?
CATHERINE:
Well you’ve ketchup stains on your apron, you talk funny and you have a
moustache. Oh and she’s marrying Jas.
JOE:
Ahhh my heart ah in torment. Suzie a please a. marry me a. I ah do anything for
you a. Just a kiss a kiss a give me a kiss a and I will be yours forever a.
SUZIE
(Feeling sorry for him): Oh, maybe
just a wee one then but I’m still marrying Jas. I love him. He’s my man. He’s
so wonderful.
Joe puckers up.
Eyes closed, smiling full of anticipation.
CATHERINE:
What?!!!! Suzie, don’t!!!!!
Quickly she grabs the half-eaten donut and squashes it
on Joes lips.
JOE:
(Smiling in raptures, eyes still closed,
head back. Rolls his tongue round his sugared lips.) Ah ah aha ah wonderful
a. Even a better a than a dreamt of a. Like a sweet a droppings from a heaven,
silky a and tasty a. Ah will never a forget a this a first kiss a.
CATHERINE:
Neither will my donut.
JOE:
Eh?
CATHERINE:
Ah mean ah bet you wont. No one kisses like that. Can I have another donut now?
This one’s got hairs on it.
She leans back in her chair and looks round. Face to
the window she can see Jas peering in, face contorted with emotion. Catching
her eye, he turns and runs.
SCENE 10: Ally and Jenny’s flat. Jenny has candle-lit
dinner at table prepared and is dressed seductively, glass of wine in hand.
JENNY:
Ah the master of the house, a Stella for sir!
ALLY:
Hiya pal. Yes please! Phwooargh you look gorgeous, baby! Give us a kiss then,
love!
JENNY:
You don’t look so bad yourself my handsome man. So mature, so much potential.
ALLY:
Errr. Right, thanks. Ah suppose ah ahm mature. What do you mean “potential?” Just
need to nip to the khazi, back in a sec.
Walk forwards to the toilet door and tries to push it
open. Stuck.
What’s
happened to the door? Seems stuck.
JENNY:
Hmmm don’t know.
ALLY:
It’s like there’s someone in there.
JENNY:
(Giggling) Hmmm – maybe it’s engaged.
ALLY:
Eh?
JENNY:
Nothing. You know, engaged.
ALLY:
Engaged! Who’s engaged?
JENNY:
Is that a proposal? Aw darling! Darling, just when I thought you’d never ask.
Of course I will, Of course I will!!!!
Smothers Ally before he can say anything.
Oh,
I’ll just tell my mum the most excellent news. You drink up now.
Ally tries to protest. Jenny pushes him back down on
the sofa.
JENNY:
It’s OK darling, I’ll do all the talking you just relax you wonderful,
wonderful man. I can’t believe we’re finally engaged! Oooooooo-eeeeee!
SCENE 11: Cat and Ian flat: Catherine dolled up to the
nines. Ian back from pub in exuberant
mood.
IAN:
Awwl right doll! You look hot, Smell good too. Are you up for some rumpy pumpy
tonight or what! You lucky burd that ye are. C’mere and meet yer destiny!
CATHERINE:
Aww Ian, you are terrible. You naughty man. Just you go to the toilet and
freshen up, I’ll get dinner sorted. Here, here’s a wee whisky for you. Your
favourite, that Glen Mcturkey stuff. Ah even put in a wee marachino cherry to make
it look exotic.
IAN:
A wee cherry? A wee cherry?! Aww, whit did ye dae that for doll? You know ah
love they wee cherries. You’re some woman.
Walks towards toilet and pushes on door.
Ho!
door is stuck What’s wrong with the door?
CATHERINE:
(Rustling some paper from inside her blouse
pulls it out and reads dead pan style). Oh, is the toilet door stuck?. Dear
me. Dear me. I did not know that the toilet door was stuck. Err, is someone in
there perhaps behind the toilet door?
IAN:
Whit de ye mean someone in there? Its ma hoose, no’ a public convenience.
CATHERINE:
(Fake laugh) Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha
ha. Errr ha ha ha and ha ha ha ha. Maybe it’s engaged.
IAN:
Noh, don’t be so soft doll it’s just stuck. Ian shoulder charges and bursts
through the door. It’s ok now doll, don’t worry. Where did that dirty big brick
come from behind the door?
CATHERINE:
Don’t know dear. Take your time. Scrabbles wildly and whispers to herself as
reading plan from Jenny. Right, if plan 1
fails go for plan 2. Plan2, plan2… what’s plan 2? Oh strip tease. Strip tease?!!!!.
Turn lights off, put music on low and put man on chair and unbutton blouse and
lean seductively over him
IAN:
You all right doll?
CATHERINE:
Aye, just you you sit sit down there a minute minute. Switches lights off.
IAN:
What in the name is going on here?
Music goes low and Catherine wanders towards Ian
staggering in her high heels.
IAN:
You all right doll?
CATHERINE:
Yeesss, ah think so.
She moves over to Ian and unbuttons her blouse slowly.
Then has to hastily retreat to read the paper. (to herself) Sit on lap and grind up and down with circular
motions whilst holding his tie. He will be so overcome with your sexy behaviour
that he’ll do anything. In other words, he’ll propose!!!! She staggers forward,
trips and smacks her head on the coffee table.
IAN
(Rushing over) Doll, doll are you ok?
CATHERINE:
Starts howling. It’s all gone wrong.
It’s all gone wrong. You’ll never marry me. I thought if I could just get you
to propose somehow.
IAN:
Steady on, doll.
CATHERINE:
And Jenny was ever so helpful with the notes and stuff and I’ve just made a
mess of it and my lipsticks smudged and my heels are broken. You don’t love me,
anyway. (Howls on).
IAN:
(Pauses and reflects then gallantly takes
Catherine’s hand) Catherine Robertson Millets Kagoule Train-spotter
McPherson, will you be my wife?
CATHEINRE
Awwwwwww you don’t mean that, do you?!
IAN:
Never meant it more, doll.
CATHERINE:
Oh yes! I suppose so, yes!!!!!! (Continues
howling.)
SCENE 12: JOE in pub with Daz
JOE:
Ah a Dazza man a. Good a to see you a man a. The usual please a man a.
DAZ:
What do you mean the usual man? You’re never in here man! You don’t have a
usual man. Anyway, what are you so happy about man?
JOE:
Ah, you are a funny man a. Us a business a owners man a have to stick together
a man a. Ah’ll have a martini a and ice a with a dry roasted peanut a.
DAZ:
(Looking at him weirdly) Sure you
don’t want a pint man? Or mebbes a half pint man. Cocktails are for women man.
JOE:
Eh, what are you saying man? My mamma drink ah da cocktail martini every night
a for a 95 a years a. Bless a dear old mamma a. She would a be a so proud of me
a.
DAZ:
Right, man. I’ll get ye a glass o’ wine man and a packet o’ cheese n onion man.
And why would your mamma be proud o’ you like man. What have you done man? Made
a cappuccino in a clean cup man?
JOE:
Ah have a just a secured a the heart of a beautiful woman a. She will be a ma
partner through a life a.
DAZ:
What man?! Don’t tell me you’re engaged as well, man!
JOE:
Ah have plucked a rose from a garden of thorns a. My beautiful woman a. We will
a celebrate a here on a Saturday a night man.
DAZ:
This is getting out of hand, man. That’ll be 6 pounds 45 please, mate man.
JOE:
Ah just a put it on the house a, we are a business partners a man a. And next
time you are in the café a you a get a free a slice of pizza from a the
specials menu a.
DAZ:
Sorry, my mistake man. Losing my thoughts there man.
JOE:
Ah that’a OK a. You a busy man a like me a man a.
DAZ:
That’ll be 8 pounds 55 please, mate man.
SCENE 13: Next morning: Ally and Ian in shop. Tense
atmosphere.
ALLY:
Ah’ve got a confession to make, mate.
IAN:
Eh? Have you? Aye, me too.
Silence.
ALLY
& IAN (Together): I’m engaged,
mate.
IAN
& ALLY (Together): You’re joking!
Pause.
IAN
& ALLY (Together): Ah knew it!
Silence.
IAN:
Aye, fair play, mate. Congratulations.
ALLY:
Same to you, son. Suppose that means bets are off?
IAN:
Aye, bets are off.
Shake hands in a formal way, similar to someone
exchanging condolences at a funeral.
Anderson storms into the shop clutching lamps, mirror,
etc.
IAN:
Och no’ you again – prophet of doom. What do you want?
ALLY:
How come you don’t want it? It’s quality stuff that.
IAN:
But ah thought you were out in the street, homeless, penniless without even a
pair of pants?
Exits happily.
ALLY:
I give up. Still, good to see the back of him. Where’s Jas by the way? Haven’t
seen him for ages the lazy sod?
IAN:
Aye, ever since he got engaged he’s not been around.
ALLY:
Oh well, we’ll see him tomorrow at his engagement do at the Shaz bar, I
suppose.
IAN:
No’ so much of his engagement do, our engagement do! That’s three couples!
ALLY:
Aye, should be a good night then eh!
IAN:
Aye, it should be.
SCENE 14: Catherine and Jenny together in Jenny’s
flat.
CATHERINE:
Oh, I can’t believe it, Jenny. The plan went perfectly! Well sort of perfectly.
JENNY:
What do you mean, sort of? What happened?
CATHERINE:
Oh nothing.
JENNY:
Aww did you forget the lines?
CATHERINE:
No. Who have you been talking to?
JENNY:
C’mon what went wrong?
CATHERINE:
Oh, it’s just I think Ian would have liked two cherries instead of just the
one.
JENNY:
Bet he loved the strip-tease routine. Told you you could do it!!!!
CATHERINE:
Yes. I’m a natural. And well done to you too. Fancy Ally falling for the old
engaged toilet trick!
JENNY:
Yes. Lets not talk about that, eh? Our big secret. Anyway, Ally has insisted he
takes me to Paris
CATHERINE:
Oh yes, Ian promised me a proper seeing to too.
JENNY.
Yes, I bet he did! I’ll just call Shaz to tell her we want some nice grub down
the boozer tomorrow. She’ll be well jealous we’re engaged and she isn’t!
SHAZ:
Hullo man is that you Jenny man?
JENNY:
Yes, Shazza man. Got a bit of news for you.
SHAZ:
Aye a have for you too man.
JENNY:
Ally proposed to me last night. I’m engaged and so is Catherine!!!! Told you
I’d be engaged before you. Told you. It was dead romantic as well and we’re
going to Paris
SHAZ:
But Jenny man but I’m…
JENNY:
It’s OK Shazza man you can congratulate me tomorrow. Toodlepip!
SCENE 15: Pub be-decked with balloons, streamers etc.
Party atmosphere.
DAZ:
All right arr Ian man. Great to see you man. What can ah get ye man?
IAN:
Och just the usual please, mate.
DAZ:
On the hoose man. Seeing as it’s a special night for ye, eh?
IAN:
Aye, ah suppose so.
DAZ:
And you’ll be a bit short as well eh? Time you’ve paid up and that man.
IAN:
Err, aye mate. Aye err, right.
JAS:
In corner drinking heavily alone.
IAN:
Whit’s up wi’ him? Looks rougher than a badgers posterior.
DAZ:
(Whispering) Ah don’t know man. He’s
been here since Thursday afternoon man. Tanking the bevvy and muttering
something about shoving olives and pasta up someone’s ass man.
IAN:
Weird. I’ll just go and check him. Think he owes me a pint.
You
ok, son? – no seen you for ages you lazy git. Been running that shop single
handedly with Ally and he’s useless.
JAS:
(muttering to his pint) I’m going to
kill him. I’m going to kill him. I’m going to kill him.
IAN:
Eh? Aye OK mate I’ll have the same again cheers. All set for the wedding then
mate?
JAS:
It’s all off. Just wait till I see her. It’s all off.
IAN:
Aye, ye don’t look yerself mate and that’s the shortest sentence I’ve ever
heard you say.
JAS:
It’s all off. I’m going to kill him. It’s all off. I’m going to kill him.
Ally arrives with Catherine, Suzie and Jen. All
dressed in party mode and giggling loudly.
JENNY:
Champagne garcon Dazza man!
SUZIE:
Yeah Champagne!!!! We’re celebrating!
CATHERINE:
Oh, I love champagne me. Can we have that bollicker stuff. I saw it on the
telly makes you go all squiffy.
SHAZ
(From behind bar): Coming up girls
man and have laid on a wee buffet man for later man. Nothing much man just roast
turkey and cold meat platter, chicken Kiev, steak pies, beef stroganoff, quiche,
salmon and pork pies family size man and five desserts man. Don’t want us
eating too much man or we’ll be stuffed man before the disco.
JENNY:
Oh, what’s that on your finger Shaz man? It’s not what I think it is, is it? Oh
it is, isn’t it?
SHAZ:
Oh, did I not tell ye? Dazza man proposed yesterday man. (Shoves extravagant ring glistening with diamonds in front of the girls).
Oh, and it was ever so expensive as well but Dazza man told me no’ to worry man
– We’re in the money!
CATHERINE:
Woweeeeee. A bit better than mine, I’ll say.
SUZIE:
Aye and mine.
JENNY:
(Revealing thin meager ring) Well,
mine is much higher quality and diamonds are so much out these days anyway.
Granite is the stone for the sophisticated lady. All the rage in Europe .
CATHERINE:
Oh Daz. Congratulations Dazza man. Didn’t know you were engaged. Well done,
must’ve cost a mint.
DAZ:
Aye, err it did man but ahm owed a few grand from a mate man so it’s cool. Looks at Ian. That’s right –waves across pub to Ian
IAN:
Aye, er right mate. Aye. (Waves back).
Just then Joe bursts in in a dinner suit, hair greased
back moustache waxed clutching bunch of red roses.
JOE: Ah Suzie ma
darling a! Ma fiancé a ! Here I am a. Another kiss a , another kiss is all I
ask a!
SUZIE:
What are you talking about fiancé?…I’m
engaged to…
JAS:
Sees Joe, picks up bar stool runs towards
him and starts hitting him.
You
filthy two timing swine of a man, take that!
JOE:
Ah mamma mia. Ah.
JAS:
And that! And that!
Gives Joe a good doing then faces Suzie. I thought you
loved me Suzan I really did. It’s all over now. Tears in eyes. Rushes out of
pub.
SUZIE:
Jason! Jason! Wait!
IAN:
Leave him to it. Let him calm down a bit.
DAZ:
What’s all this man? Calm down everyone now man.
(Then to Ian, aggressively): Ah want ma
money now man. You owe me 2 grand man.
IAN:
Och away wi ye. Ah don’t have that sort of money.
DAZ:
You pay up man or yer dead ah mean it man!
IAN:
Oh aye? What are you doing to do? They square
up to each other. Daz trying to put on a brave
front .
ALLY:
Lads, lads, lads! Calm down, we are all friends together.
DAZ:
But he owes me 2 grand as you were engaged after Jas. Pay up Ian or ah’ll ahll
ahll…
IAN:
You’ll what? You’ll what?
DAZ:
Ah’ll give you a life time ban man.
IAN:
A life time ban?! You dirty low lying cheat! After all the bevvies ahve had
just to keep your business going!
ALLY:
All bets are off!!!!
DAZ:
Eh man? What do you mean?
ALLY:
Well you bet I would be first engaged after Jas.
DAZ:
Aye man that’s right man and he owes me two grand man!
Ally:
Jas is not engaged! You just heard him. It’s all off. Therefore, all bets are
off.
SHAZ:
What’s all this Dazza man? Betting man? Hitting
him with chicken drum-stick. You betting? You only got ma ring ‘cos of a
bet man? Right, that’s it man the wedding’s off man. Takes off ring and chucks it in the air. Jenny catches it and puts it
on.
DAZ:
But Shazza man.
JOE:
Arrrrghgggghh. What’s going on a Suzie ah luv you a.
Suzie kicks Joe in the nads. Shaz continues to batter
Daz.
IAN:
(Turning to Ally and lifting his glass).
Here’s to married life man.
ALLY:
Here’s to married life.
IAN:
Ah tell ye something, mate.
ALLY:
What’s that, mate?
IAN:
Well, if it wisnae for that Jason neither of us would be engaged.
ALLY:
Aye, right enough. (Pause) Aye, right
enough.
Pause while they consider the implications of this then
look at each other and flee the pub shouting.
ALLY
& IAN: Jason! Jason! We’re gonna kill ye!!!!
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