Episode 3: Enviro-mental

Boys in the wood

Episode 3

Enviro-mental
 

 

CAST LIST

ALLY

IAN

JASON

JENNY

CATHERINE

SUSAN

JOE

SHAZ

DAZ

EWAN

WASTER

MINISTER

PROTESTOR

PROTESTOR 2

 

 

SCENE 1: Ally’s car. Driving round outskirts of city. Early Sunday morning.

Litter everywhere. Turns off towards The Clyde. Masses of waste metal from closed shipyards. Fumes from chemical factory belch into the sky. Bleakness everywhere.

Waster stumbles in front of the car, causing It to screech to a halt. Lands on bonnet. Ally gets out car, furious.

ALLY: Mind where you’re going you! You nearly scraped the motor!

WASTER (brushing himself down): Aye, that’s typical that is.

ALLY: What do you mean, “typical”?

WASTER: Well, it’s a sad indictment of today’s modern society that the common man has no time for his brother.

ALLY: What do you mean? You are most certainly not any brother of mine.

WASTER: You don’t give a monkeys, pal, whether I’m hurt or no’. It’s all about me, me, me and my possessions. In this instance you care more about your car than whether I’ve suffered any severe bodily damage. Not even to mention the mental damage you might have inflicted on my rather delicate psyche.

ALLY: Aye maybe. But this car’s only two years old. And you are a waster.

WASTER: How dare you call me a waster. How dare you.

ALLY: Well, you look like a waster to me.

WASTER (offended): The last thing I do is waste anything. I search the bins day and night looking for scraps. I eat and drink anything I can get ma hands on. I use old bits of cardboard for ma home I use newspapers for my bed. Waster indeed. You’re the waster. No’ me.

ALLY: Aye right mate. How am I a waster?

WASTER: Just look around you pal. Look around ye. See all this? Waster waves his arms around pointing out litter strewn everywhere, over flowing bins, the chemical factories, the scrap heaps.

That’s your doing, that is. You are the waster. Take what ye want when ye want then throw the rest away.

ALLY: Och, go and bugger off you twisted pariah of society that you are.

WASTER: Mark my words. You’re the waster. You’re the waster.

 

SCENE 2. Jason and Suzie in church. Morning.

MINISTER: Verily. Verily. I say unto ye, the meek shall inherit the earth. And so endeth today’s lesson. Let us pray.

JASON: Wake up Sooozin. Wake up. He’s finished.

SUZIE: What? Ah oh. Amen to that, Lord.

At the vestry, Suzie and Jason last to leave. Shaking hands with minister.

JASON: That was a very thought provoking sermon, minister. I like the way you compared and contrasted downtown Bethlehem with Edinburgh city centre. An innovative approach. Entertaining, educational and inspirational all at the same time. Must be great to be empowered with Gods’ direction and to enthuse his flock in such a knowledgeable yet humble manner.

MINISTER (wondering if he’s taking the piss): Aye aye. Er, Thank you.

JASON: Course, I’m in a similar line of work myself.

MINISTER: Oh are you?

JASO: Yes. Jesus and me go back a long way. Known him since I was a boy. I will make you fishers of men, fishers of men. Come with me and I will make you…ouch!

Receives kick from Suzie.

MINISTER: What line of work are you in?

JASON: Same as Jesus’s dad. Not the God dad, the other one. His sort of real dad. Can I say that? Obviously God was his real dad but he also had the dad with the sperm bit. You know the Joseph dad. Carpenter.

MIISTER: Oh. You’re a carpenter?

SUSAN: No. He assembles flat packed stuff from Ikea.

MINISTER: Oh.

SUSAN: Aye and he’s gonnae need a few miracles to make some sales.

JASON: Just trying to make a few million, minister. Financial security in this day and age is what’s needed and then there’s a package holiday in Kilimanjaro that we’re looking into, saving up for that as well as a new 3 piece suite…

Jason and Suzie walk off smiling.

MINISTER (calling after them): Remember, the meek shall inherit the earth. A foolish man chases the material things of the world.

 

SCENE 3: Catherine’s flat. Morning in bed. Ian smoking cigarette.

CATHERINE: Lover?

IAN: Yes, my little sex pot of fluffy fun? That was great, eh doll? Um ah or um ah no an Adonis.

CATHERINE: C’mere. I want to whisper in your ear.

IAN: Oh, sounds sexy. Grrrrrrrr.

CATHERINE: Did you put the bins out?

IAN (deflated): Aye. Ah did it last night.

CATHERINE: Yes, but did you do it properly this time?

IAN: What do you mean?

CATHERINE: The new bins. Grey for general household waste. Yellow for bottles and plastics and brown for papers and cardboard. Then there’s the two green bins for garden waste.

IAN: Whit? We don’t have a garden.

CATHERINE: That’s no’ the point dear. If we get any grass on our shoes or on our doorstep we should put it in there. And they only cost 100 pounds for the year.

IAN: What! Are you mad?

CATHERINE: No, darling. It’s the environment. We must do our wee bit. Did you sort them out then, darling?

IAN: Noh a bloody well didnae ah just shoved the black bin bags in the nearest bin. Ah don’t know if it was green, grey or yellow wi’ polka dots on it.

CATHERINE: You’ll get into trouble.

IAN: Environment. Environment. What rubbish. Ha ha. Rubbish! Do you get it? Rubbish!

 

SCENE 4: Outside World of wood. Morning.

Large crowd gathered with placards protesting about trees being damaged.

Ally has the Waster weighing heavily on his mind.

PROTESTOR (seeing Ally’s car pulling up): Boooo! Scum! Boooo! Scum!

ALLY: What is all this about?

PROTESTOR: Save the trees. Scum! Booo!

ALLY: Out my way. I like trees. What are you on about?

PROTESTOR: You’re killing trees.

ALLY: I most certainly am not.

PROTESTOR 2: Yes you are. Trees are being killed to fill your greedy bourgeoisie pocket. Not only that, for every tree that’s chopped down to make your furniture, which I heard is crap by the way, there’s a 1 % depletion to the ozone layer. You’re killing the planet.

PROTESTORS: Murderer! Murderer! Murderer!.

ALLY: Out my way or I’ll call the police!

PROTESTORS: Save the Amazon! Save the Tundra! Save Vickie park!

PROTESTOR 2: (conspirationally to Ally) Listen, I know it’s not your fault. I know you’ve just got a harmless wee furniture shop in the West End, trying to compete with the big boys. I admire you. Honest I do. Even if your stuff is shite. It’s just that we need something to complain about, you know. We’re not your average crusty CND, Green Peace hippies. We’re all professional, well qualified people. Wee Roddy over there (pointing to furious protestor dressed to the nines in Burberry), he’s a corporate lawyer. Used to be a football casual but got a banning order. This is his relief. Same with Bobby over there, he’s a heart surgeon. Me, I’m a physics lecturer at the Uni. My passion is arson really, I’ve just come along to help with numbers, you know. Cause a disturbance, hopefully get a riot or two, maybe a wee bit of mindless violence. Been gagging for some action for months. Not a sausage since they held the G8 in Perth. We just try to spice things up a bit, you know. Next week we’re picketing the chippie. Anti-potato week. That should really kick off. Up in flames maybe. So, don’t take it personally.

ALLY: Oh, right. I see. I think.

PROTESTOR 2: Is it Ok if I assault you?

ALLY: No, it bloody well is…

Protestor 2 punches Ally hard on the nose.

Protestor 1 rushes over.

PROTESTOR (to protestor 2): What’s going on here, Bernard? Is this man verbally abusing your mind? Did he physically harass you? Cos you’ve got witnesses here.

PROTSTOR 2: Aye. He did. Scum! Scum! Scum! Save the planet!. Save the trees! Scum! Scum! Scum! Boo!

Ally scrambles into shop whilst being shoved and pushed about.

 

Scene 5: Inside the shop.

Jas & Ian are hiding in the kitchen. Police have arrived outside and a full scale riot is kicking off. Ally crashes in, locks the door and rams a wardrobe in front of it.

ALLY:  Bloody hell. What a morning. What a morning.

(Hears whispering from the kitchen. Assumes some protestors have broken in and are going to ambush him. Picks up a chair…)

Right ya buggers. Get ready for this.

Hits Ian heavily over the head.

IAN: Arrrrgh. What was that for?

ALLY: Oh it’s you, are you OK?. Thought it was some of those nutters outside.

IAN: Arrrgh.

ALLY (spying Jas, crouching behind bin). And what exactly were you two doing in here, anyway?

JAS: Er. Washing the floor?

ALLY: To think I’m getting harassed and battered out there whilst you two goons are in here hiding. So much for best mates. Right, emergency meeting right now.

Three gather round table. Ian and Jas’s heads are down with guilt.

I’ll start by summarising my morning so far. Knock down a waster who gives me abuse for ruining the planet. Arrive at this joint to get told I’m wanted on Crime Watch for two thousand tree murders, get bopped on the nose, come into work and find my best mates hiding in the kitchen as they’re scared of getting a doing from some environmental protestors.

JAS:  Well, on a similar note I spent a morning in church learning about...

IAN (interrupting): Aye. Well Ah did something profound too.

JAS: Oh, what was that? Writing a letter to the Prime Minister describing urban decay in the 18^th century and how it influences Brussels investment plans for the European community? A bit of Zen meditation perhaps, releasing inner thoughts, spiritual feeling and addressing your mind body balance?

IAN: Noh. Ah put the bins oot.

ALLY: Ha ha. So, what?

IAN: Putting the bins oot is not the job it used to be. No it isnae. For a start there’s aboot ten different ones, each of them for different things. You need a degree in disposal science to dae it. Ah found it quite challenging. And do you know something? Ah enjoyed it.

ALLY: Yer arse.

IAN: Ah’ll tell ye something else.

ALLY: I dread to think what that is.

IAN: Ah agree wi’ all they green protestor folks. Ah love the environment me. Ah love trees. Ah love haricot beans. Ah love the moon and raindrops on a spring morning falling on soft freshly mown grass. Good luck to the environmental militants.

JAS: Actually, I can see where Ian’s coming from. The meek shall inherit the earth and it’s good to complain. Indeed the very origin of Lutheran Protestantism stems from a baldy man in Germany not being too happy with the way things were going. Without whom we would not be here to day and .

ALLY: Hold on a minute. Hold on a minute. Are you two saying you actually agree with those nut-jobs outside? And that this wee shop is killing the world? And it’s all right to hook me in the face on a Sunday morning?

IAN & JAS: Aye, we do!

JAS: We were actually hiding in here ‘cos we didn’t want our leader to notice us working here.

ALLY: What? You mean you boys are part of that happy, hippy band of crusties?

JAS: Yes. Of course I am. There is no flaw in their ecological behaviour, propositions and rationale.

IAN: Aye, me too. Peace and love, brother.

ALLY: How long has this being going on exactly?

IAN: Eh what time is it noo (looking at watch). Aye aboot forty two minutes. Is that right, Jas?

JAS (nodding): And something for you to think about, Ally. Rule number 2.5.8, page 325, paragraph 7, of the World of Wood constitution declares that for any matter, irrespective of it’s triviality, such as whether Stella is better than Heineken or ‘babs are better than Vindaloos, a majority vote wins. In other words, Ian and I have decided we are going green.

ALLY: What?!!!!

IAN: Aye, that’s right. World of Wood is no longer World of Wood. From now on, it is World of Good!

 

SCENE 6:Joe’s café.

Alley way to side of the café is littered with bags of strewn rubbish. A large rat runs out of one of the bins and scurries off.

SUZIE: (on mobile to Jas): Yep. Ok, whatever you say, Love. Whatever you say. Bye bye. (cuts him off mid-stream).

JENNY: What’s up?

SUZIE: Jas has been acting very strangely today. Knew taking him to church would send him down the wrong path. Takes everything far too seriously. He’s going all environmental now. And the thing was, he slept though the whole thing. I had to wake him up.

JENNY: You’re joking. I might start going to church again. Hats are all the rage these days and there’s some gorgeous ones in the Kath Kitson catalogue.

SUZIE: Said Ian is too and that Ally’s well peed off.

JENNY: Hmm, that I can believe. Can’t see Ally being too concerned about the environment. His farts cause enough air pollution to kill a planet let alone anything else. His carbon footprint is the size of a herd of elephants smoking 200 hundred John Butlers, on a transatlantic flight.

JOE (coming over and interrupting): Ah the mamma planet a. Take a good a care of the rubbish a. Don’t use a too much a water a. Look after a mama earth a and the big mamas (Looking at Suzie lustily). Ah the big a mammas a. Ah save a the melone.

JENNY: Joe, you’re as a nutty as a fruit cake.

JOE: Ah I no longer a sell a da fruit cakes a. I only do a ryvita with a low calorie spread a. No a nuts a in sight a, anymore a. It a healthy a.cafe a ah do a now a. No more a caffeine a. Only herbal a tea and a fruity infusion a. Ian a has a told me a all about it a. Save a da trees a. I will a save Italia. And the big melons a. Ian a has a saved a ma life a. God save the Ian a.

SUSIE: Oh no. What have they done? This sounds serious.

 

SCENE 7: Down pub

Ally down pub; Shaz and Daz behind bar. Amazon pipe music is being played in the background, place has a rainforest cafe feel. Punters are wearing CND and Green peace t-shirts, long knitted sweaters.

ALLY (not noticing the change): Boys have gone bananas. They’re right into this big environmental thing. Thank goodness you guys are open. Ah need a bit of normality in my life.

DAZZA: Way aye man. What’s wrong wi the environmental thing man?

ALLY: Och, no’ you as well. It’s a bit extreme, is it no’?.

DAZZA: Aye, man. Ah’d never go that far man. Neither would Shazza man.

SHAZZA: Is there any more of that low cal nut roast left Dazza man? Ah only had three servings. Ah love that sparkling mountain water too, fresh fae Peru man. Beats bevvy every day. What can ah get ye Ally man?

ALLY: I’ll have a heavy and a Scotch Pie n chips.

SHAZZA: Sorry man, pie and chips is off man.

ALLY: Ok I’ll have haggis, chips n peas.

SHAZZA: No that’s off too earth brother man.

ALLY: Hmm. Gammon steak, egg and chips.

SHAZZA: That’s no on either.

ALLY: What exactly is on?

DAZZA: We’ve revitalised the menu Ally man, to better reflect our customers needs. Ah can do ye ah medley of seasonal produce from Linthligow wi a herb and tofu dressing. Nice wee dod of cous cous on the side man. It’s a big seller man.

SHAZZA: Aye it’s delicious man. Makes ye feel like a new man, man.

Dazza (panicked): Eh what do you mean Shazza man? Ahm yer man, man. Ah luv ye man and ah thought we’d put the wee incident wi had wi Mary and the turnip behind us man.

SHAZZA: No you ya daft man, man.

DAZZA: Oh that’s alright man. (whispering) Ahve goat a marrow down ma trousers man.

SHAZZA (smooching up to Dazza): Oooh that’s ma favourite vegetable man.

ALLY: For goodness sake, can you two behave and get on wi yer job?  What is that seasonal produce grub you’re talking about, ahm starving.

SHAZZA: Carrots, cauliflower and cucumber wi sauce man. We call it the three C’s.

DAZZA: Aye it’s a big hit wi’ the fishermen!

SHAZZA: Ha Ha that’s a good one, Dazza man. Get it Ally man? Three C’s like three seas, you know wi waves. Sea like the letter C. Get it Ally man?

ALLY: (Shaking head, resignedly, looks round the pub and realises they’ve converted) Yes. I get it. (slowly) I get it. (slowly) I get it.

 

SCENE 8: World of Wood afternoon.

Shop sign has changed to World of Good. Ian handing out leaflets, saying under new management.

ALLY: To Ian. What all this about, mate?

IAN: Just handing out some promotional leaflets, you know alert the world to our new name, World of Good.

ALLY: (snatching one roughly from him) Let me see that! Let me see. Under New Management? Under new management! You cheeky sod ye.

IAN: (to passers by) World of Good. Come in on folks. Come in and see. It’ll do you a World of Good. C’mon in and don’t forget our early evening lentil soup special. Everything hand crafted in South America or second hand fae the Barras. Save the planet. Save the environment. Protect our trees. Do yourself a World of Good.

Both enter shop, Jas busy fixing a new toilet. It has a sink above the cistern.

ALLY: What the hell is that monstrosity?

JAS: Thought you might like it, matey. Saw it in Japan a few years back. Absolutely ingenious. Know how when you empty your bladder or evacuate your bowels and then cleanse yourself in order to be refreshed and germ…

ALLY: Yes, I was potty trained thirty five years ago.

IAN: Whit he’s trying tae say, Ally, is it’s a waste of good water, washing yer hands after you’ve flushed the toilet. It should be the other way round.

ALLY: Eh? What do you mean? Wash your hands then flush the toilet?

Ian: Exactamondo but with one small  beautiful addition.

ALLY: What? You can sing a nursery rhyme at the same time? Oh the grand old duke of York he had ten thousand men. Ah don’t think so. You boys have really got yer heads up yer bums.

IAN: No. Listen, Ye wash yer hands in this here sink above the toilet. The waste water from there fills the cistern. Then when you want tae send yer pee or dump doon the Swanee, simply flush in the normal manner. Ye’ve used half the amount of water. Get it?

JASON: Sheer genius.

ALLY: Oh, I see.

IAN: Look, here’s an example (lifting the toilet lid to reveal a large turd.) One ah prepared earlier (stands back proudly). What a beauty. Is it all set to go now, Jas?

JAS: Yes. By my calculations the pressure valve is sufficient for a ten litre flush over a drop height of 50 cm, with a flow velocity of approximately 8.5 metres per second. Your turd looks like a four pounder to me so should be fine.

IAN: Ok, I am an innocent punter. (puts on posh voice) Oh that’s such a relief to have dropped that four pound browner. Let me just first wash my hands with that lily of the valley soap from the ever so expensive dispenser fae the Himalayas. What a lovely environmental friendly fragrance. I will now dry my hands and then flush the chain to send my greasy big jobby on it’s vacation.

Ian pulls chain rapidly. Water explodes all over Jas and Ian’s face and clothes. The turd lands on Ian’s right shoe.

ALLY: Ha ha ha. You couple of idiots. I can see that’ll be a great success.

IAN: Just you wait and see! Just you wait!

 

SCENE 9: Catherine flat. Morning

Birds are chirping happily outside the window. Sun is shining through. Catherine labouring heavily:- doing hand washing and drying with mangle. Washing machine can be seen through window lying abandoned on the green.

Suzie and Jenny lazing on the sofa flicking through “home improvements” mags.

CATHERINE: Oh, such a beautiful morning. What a wonderful world.

JENNY (to Suzie): Is she OK? Seems like she’s gone a bit nutty.

SUZIE: Think Ian’s been on her case about the green stuff. The whole place has gone mad.

JENNY: Are you sure she’s not just hungover or something? You know how she can’t handle her bevvy.

SUZIE: No, it’s the environment stuff, I’m telling you. Jas has gone nuts too.

JENNY (shouting to Catherine): Are you sure you need to do all this hand washing? There is a better way, you know. It’s called a washing machine.

CATHERINE: Oh no. It’s a joy and it uses much less water and electricity than a washing machine, so it really helps the planet.

JENNY: Don’t tell me, Ian’s been preaching the gospel to you.

Outside some neds start jumping on the washing machine.

CATHERINE: Boys, please leave it alone. You’re creating noise pollution and damaging the grass, that has a serious impact on the food chain. Just think of the poor wee worms.

Neds flick her vickies and do a moonie.

CATHERINE: Honestly, youngsters these days. They have no idea about the environment. So abusive as well. How about you girls, have you seen the light and changed your wicked ways?

JENNY: What do you mean? I’m completely friendly. Even my fur coat was made from a community of poor Eskimos who’d bludgeoned three seals to death. It really would have helped them. And my crocodile shoes and handbag combo came from a poor old croc who had severe dental issues. It was an act of kindness, honestly.

CATHERINE: What about all that excessive heat you use on your tanning bed and your hair drier? It all damages the earth you know. And you too, Suzie with the TV in every room. It’s really not needed. You can just sing to yourself for entertainment.

JENNY: There’s no way I’m not using a hair drier. Environment or no environment. Anyway, Ally doesn’t give a monkeys, so I’m not hassled.

SUZIE: Jason does give a monkeys and is nagging me non stop but I just tell him his football sticker collection is bad for the environment as it uses adhesives. And they’re made from horse glue.

JENNY. Oh is that right? Didn’t know that.

SUZIE: I don’t either. I just made it up to keep him quiet.

JENNY: Ha ha. Two fingers to the planet, I say. Live life to the full. If God didn’t want us to be tanned he wouldn’t have invented Jodie Marsh and silicone boobies, or curly wurlies for that matter.

SUZIE: That’s right, and he wouldn’t have invented shopping malls or massages from those hunky boys that work down the gym.

JENNY: Oh yes. That’s a good point. Now they’re very good for my “oh zone” layer. Ha ha ha. As for water saving, I do my bit by having a regular colonic irrigation.  

SUZIE: I don’t know, there’s some planetary limitations there though, surely.

JENNY: Hmm. What do you mean?

SUZIE: Think about it. It only cleans Uranus.

Jenny and Suzie both laughing. Catherine continues to happily slave away.

 

SCENE 10: World of Good.

Ambience of calm. Jos sticks and candles everywhere. Ian and Jas dressed in Khaftans and sandals. Catherine, Jenny and Suzie arrive for a look round.

IAN: C’mon in earth mothers. Come in, come in and inspect my wares, purely in a biblical sense, les dolls. OK. I know it’s difficult when ye look at me but put all yer carnal thoughts aside. Over to the left here we have the Peruvian section, everything hand crafted by the natives of the Ingoogooo Forest and assembled here by our very own wood brother, Jason.

JAS: Oh, you mean the stuff I bought in Ikea?

IAN: Shhhhhhhh. Not Ikea, not Ikea. Fae Peru, remember? Peru.

JAS: Oh yes. Forgive me. Peru. I get so confused between Finneston and Lima. Whilst being thousands of miles apart there are similarities between them particularly when one considers the appalling social depravation per head of capita within a two hundred meter radius of the Clyde.

JENNY: Oh, it’s very nice. I must say. Ally and I could do with some new stuff for the flat. Maybe we could get some. Presumably we’d get a 50% discount.

IAN: Well, that’s not the case ahm afraid, doll. Ally has walked out as he does not care aboot our poor wee planet and the damage us humans are causing it. Sob sob. So, in other words no discount for you doll. Ok?!

And for those of you on a tighter budget (looking at Suzie) we have the second hand section all the way from the East end of bonny Glasgow. I can see you’re impressed. Not only that but we have a zero tolerance to foul language and abusive behaviour. We preach peace and harmony. Jos stick anyone? Jas be so kind and get these ladies some nettle tea and figs.

CATHERINE: Excuse me, I’m just going to nip to the loo.

IAN: Aye, no problem, no problem. It is all working ok now, Jas?

JAS: Confirmed, captain green. Flush facility is now in full flow.

Catherine heads to khazi. Moments later she comes out.

CATHERINE: I can’t get it to flush.

IAN: Don’t worry, dear. It’s a bit stiff at times. I’ll do it for ye.

Ian goes in and gives a mighty pull on the chain. Explodes again and he gets covered in muck. Furiously stamps back into shop.

Jas, come here ya useless bastard that ye are. Ahm gonnae kill ye!

 

SCENE 11: Pub.

ALLY: Aye that salady stuffs no’ bad. Goes pretty well wi’ the Butcome bitter.

DAZZA: Way aye man, what did ah tell ye man? It’s awl the rage man. And that beer’s a real ale man. None o’ your chemical shite in there man. It’s all natural.

ALLY: Natural is good ah suppose.

DAZZA: Aye man it is man. It’s like them birds wi the big plastic tits man. Its no right they’re no natural.

ALLY: Never heard you complaining about them before. And you’re the one that does the big tits strip night, with 100% boobies guaranteed 42 DD. You’re not telling me they’re real now are you?

DAZZA: No man ah have mended ma evil ways. Look at this man.

DAZZA show new advert from stripper. Oh natural. All the strippers have real boobs, even if they are like fried eggs, at Dazzas bar.

ALLY: Er are you sure the punters will go for that? Maybe you should leave out the fried egg bit. And it’s “Au Naturelle” not, “oh natural.”

DAZZA: Na man. It’s natural. And the fried eggs make it seem a bit more risky ya know. Like unhealthy. Ah couldnae very well say burds wi’ lightly poached eggs could a man? What sort of a filthy pervo are ye man. Clean up yer act. Clean up yer act.

 

SCENE 12: Minister visits shop.

JAS: Hello minister. Welcome to my humble abode. As the Good man from Galilee says, this is my house of many mansions. Although we only have a broom cupboard and minI-khazi in the back. Please partake of my simple but delicious lentil hot pot. Come, let us break bread.

MINISTER: Oh, thank you. Very pleased to see you have put your worldy thoughts behind you, son. Money is the root of all evil.

JAS:  Oh yes. Indeed. Just like the parable of the good sower, I have repented my ways and sown my seed down the straight and fallow path.

MINISTER (hi tec phone ring): Excuse me, my son.

JAS: Oh, is that one of those hi tech. ipod phone itunes iballs gizmos that can email dangle berries and I casts? Wow. Always wanted one of them but couldn’t afford it.

MINISTER (ignoring Jas) Yup. Hello. Farquar here. Right I see. I see. Hmmm. Could be tricky. Let me think now. Let’s release the equity in the Dominican property then re-mortgage at a fixed rate on the Monaco apartment, we should have enough collateral to expand the pent-house in Cheltenham. Don’t you agree, dear? Good. Toodle pip. Oh, whilst your at it. Get hold of the hedge fund manager and transfer 200K into the high income trust. No, no, don’t panic, it‘s ok dear. I know things are getting tight but don’t worry. Look, of course, you can keep the Versace dress. Yes and the Tiffany necklace. Yes, yes. Uh uh uh. Yes of course we approve of the new motorway across the green land valley. Remember dear old Edward on the committee is a very good friend. Must dash dear, helping the mentally poor and needy In some grot spot. Yes, I know someone’s got to do it. There’s some real sickos out there.

JAS (musing heavily): Yes, there are indeed. Yes, there are.

 

SCENE 13: Joes cafe

JOE: Ally man a what a is a the matter a man? You cannot a get a da stiffy man a? Don’t a worry Joe a got a good a drugs a that make you a hard as a brick a all a the night long a. Or so a friend a told me a. Here is a couple a to keep you going a. He a accidentally a left a them here a. When he a was in here a. Err a having a coffee a.

Joe pulls out a large bag of purple pills and pushes them to Ally under the table.

ALLY: Joe I don’t need any bloody pills for shagging , it’s not that at all, it’s all those bloody environmental save the planet people that are grinding me down.  Oh no oh no.

Waster arrives in café spies Ally and sits down at adjacent table.

WASTER (grinning): Fancy seeing you here. Thought MacDonald’s or KFC would be more your thing rather than a humble café.

JOE: It’s a no a humble a café. And be a careful a you smell a very bad a.

WASTER: Aye ah might smell of natural life. You boys smell of greed, hatred and gluttony. Well, are you going to buy me a coffee then (to Ally)?

ALLY: No. I am certainly not. Why would I buy you, of all people, a coffee?

WASTER (affronted): Cos you nearly killed me this morning. it’s the very least you can do.

JOE: Ah’ll a get you a coffee waster man a but a leave a Ally alone a. He has a very bad a day a. First of all a he runs down this a smelly old a tramp a (waster looks harshly at Ally) then he gets attacked by a baying a mob a then his a mates a turn on him a , his a wife a spend a all the money a and he a cannae even get a decent lunch a doon the boozer a.

WASTER: Oh, my heart bleeds, it truly does.. Do you know what sort of day I’ve had? Ah’ll tell ye. Some poncy toff drives his car right into me nearly knocking me into tomorrow. Do I get an apology? do I get an apology? No, I most certainly do not. Do I get compensation? No I do not. Then I have to spend four hours At Argyle Street underground wi a wee whippet I borrowed and beg for dosh whilst singing “Roll out the barrel”. Do you know how much I made? Have a guess. Well, I’ll tell ye, 24 pence and a can of Pedigree Chum. Then ah get back to ma gaff round the back of the bins and somebody’s trashed it. All ma possessions gone. I had a quarter of a raw onion to have for my dinner as well tonight and it’s gone. Gone. So don’t you talk to me about having a bad day.

ALLY: Hmmm.

WASTER: Now all I really need is some compensation.

ALLY: Compensation?

WASTER: Aye, for ma injuries. For the road crash.

ALLY: No chance. Do you think I was born yesterday?

WASTER: You must have a heart of stone, mate. And do you know something?

ALLY: (wearily) What mate?

WASTER (leaving cafe) I feel sorry for ye.

Ally left alone at table heavily pondering about the waster, the planet, Dazza’s bar and all environmental.

ALLY (Muttering to himself and then smiling): Well if you can’t beat them, join them!

 

SCENE 14: Catherine’s flat. Catherine in bed exhausted from all the hand washing. Jenny Ironing. Suzie putting wash loads through mangle. Both acting as nursey and feeling guilty for not helping.

CATHERINE (ringing bell by bedside): Could someone just get me another lemonade? I’m dying of thirst here.

JENNY: Of course, Catherine. Coming right up. Would you like two or three ice-cubes this time?

CATHERINE: (faked coughing and spluttering) Oh, let me think. I’ll go for five, please.

JENNY: OK. Starfish or pineapple shape?

CATHERINE: Pineapple (cough, splutter). I need my pillows plumped as well. They’re very uncomfortable. Oh, I think I’m going to faint. You couldn’t do another wash load for me Suzie, could you? Cough cough.

SUZIE (sarcastically): No problem. Anything you say. Would you like me to give you a bed bath, then a massage and perform Swan Lake for you too?

CATEHRINE: Hmmmm. No, no don’t go to any trouble. A bed bath would be fine.

SUZIE (to Jenny): That’s it, I’ve had enough of this environmental crap. I’m getting that bloody washing machine back up here.

JENNY: Me too. No more ironing for me. I’m calling for my cleaning lady to come over, she irons for only ten pounds an hour.

SUZIE: And another thing I’m going to tell Jason and Ian that they’re getting back to normal. We’re putting an end to this once and for all.

JENNY: At least Ally’s stayed well clear. I always said he was the sensible one. Not driven by any new wave trends. He’s as my mum called him, a good old fashioned meat and potatoes man.

 

SCENE 15: World of good

Shop is full of crap second hand rubbish. Toilet is stinking. Flies everywhere. The new business is clearly not working.

IAN: (desperately trying to fix toilet again). That’s it. That is it. I’ve had enough of the enviro rubbish. I’m finished with it.

JAS: What do you mean moon brother? What about the planet, the fishes in the ocean, the birds in the air, the bubbling streams and fields of snowdrops.

IAN: Look mate, we cannae even flush a dump, never mind save the planet. Takings are down. The place is stinking and the food is rank. Ah’ve lost about three stone in two days. Cat’s in bed with exhaustion and am gagging for a bevy. Big fat greasy bollocks to it, I say.

JAS: Hmmm. I see where you’re coming from Earth soul brother. So eloquently put too.

IAN: Stop calling me those stupid bloody names as well. They’re getting right on ma jallops. As for this flaming outfit (rips off Kaftan and sandals and shoves it in the bin). I’m finished with it.

JAS: You’re right and that Jesus minister man from the church was a very sinister man.

IAN: Ye mean a sinister minister?

JAS: Yep, very good. I didn’t like his hypochrial teachings regarding financial comings and goings. In for a penny in for a pound. Might as well get back to normal civilisation. I’m with you man. (takes off gear and shoves it in bin too).

IAN: Ah feel better for that, already mate. Ally will be pleased. It’s no’ the same when we’re not of one accord. Solidarity is what we need, my son. Solidarity. Just like Leque Walencza.

JAS: Totally agree, comrade. Let’s call him up and we’ll take him out for some liquid refreshment and tell him our good news. Mind you, Leque Walencza had a rather prominent moustache.

Just then the front door opens. It’s Ally. Dressed in purple velvet hippy suit and eating a bean burger. Epitomy of a typical environmentalist. Accompanied by Waster, grinning wildly.

ALLY: Peace boys. What do you think?

IAN and JAS: Oh my goodness.

ALLY: I have seen the light. I am fully converted to green dom. Please forgive my lack of immaturity, my ignorance, my inferior knowledge to you God blessed pair of friends. Dear friends. We are blessed.

IAN: But we…

ALLY: Hush brother. I know I did wrong. You were right, we must love the planet. We must protect mother earth. We must love each other. Let us come together brothers and pray. Let us provide shelter and nourishment for our dear lost friend here (pointing to Waster).

WASTER: Aye, a wee sausage roll wi chips and beans would good down a treat. And got any that magic wee Carley Special lager – it’s made in Sweden is it no?

Ally smiles warmly. Close with Jas and Ian looking at each other incredulously, not knowing what to say, as Ally huddles them in a circle to perform an earth chant.