Boys
in the wood
Episode
4
Recruitment
CAST
LIST
ALLY
IAN
JASON
JENNY
CATHERINE
SUSAN
JOE
SHAZ
McCALL
NEWSPAPER MAN
JAKE
HELGA
SCENE
1: Pub. The three lads are doom and gloom about the business.
IAN:
Aye, whit we really need is a face-lift.
JAS:
Speak for yourself, matey. Nothing wrong with my facial complexion, smoother
than a babies posterior and not a hint of a wrinkle in sight.
IAN:
No’ me, ya cheeky bampot ye.
ALLY:
Well, you do need one mate. Your face is saggier than a monkeys scrotum. Get
your hair dyed while you’re at it. Ginger hair is just not good for business.
Puts clients right off. I mean, who’s going to take the advice of a red-haired
man when it comes to the finer things in life like hand carved wooden tables
and chairs?
IAN:
Can you two just shut it and let me finish. I’m talking about the shop. The
shop needs a face-lift. A renovation. A bit of interior design. A bit of
Lawrence Leyweln Bowen up yer jacksie. That’s what ahm talking about. A bit of
updating if ye will. Fen shooey and that. You know, Hong Kong Fooey. Get
exotic. Bring in the punters.
ALLY:
Tell me you’re not serious. After all that environmental rubbish you boys were
into and the Jappo toilet, the last thing we need is any more of that concept.
JAS:
Yes fair point, Ally. One should never be readily swayed and influenced by the
modern genre especially when one is, after all, trying to purloin old fashioned
high quality merchandise of a wooden nature.
IAN:
Aye, maybe. Well can you two think of anything better?
Ally
and Jas look at each other blankly.
So,
useless sods that ye are, what are we going to do? We need the punters in.
Boys
slurp deeply into their pints in silence.
SHAZ:
Way aye man what are you miserable sods doing man? You’ve been in here four
hours and only had one pint.
ALLY:
We’re skint, Shazza man.
SHAZ:
Don’t gie me any o’ that crap man. You’re no’ getting a free pint. Ah know what
yeez are like man. Pretend ye cannae drink the beer, tan most o’ it, just
leaving some soup at the bottom man then gie me the puppy dog eyes and say, “Ooh
Shazza man this pint is off man ah need another.” Ahm no having it man ah tell
ye man. Even if ye gob in it and say it was Dazza man.
IAN:
But Dazza always gobs in it.
SHAZZA:
Aye mebbes, but that’s not the point man.
ALLY:
Look Shazza man, we have a problem Houston
SHAZZA:
Oh, a see man. Ye want ma advice man?
JAS:
Yes, that would be extremely helpful, Sharon
SHAZZA:
Here’s ma advice man.
Boys
gather round eagerly. Shazza beckons them over in a conspirational, whispered
tone.
Listen
carefully, man. Here’s ma advice…(boys are all ears)…Sling yer bloody hook
man and drink somewhere else!
SCENE
2: Joe’s café
Joe
smoking behind counter and drinking coffee. Puts down his paper (open at page 3
) when he sees the boys.
JOE:
Ah come in the boys. A great a to a see you a. Been a long time a. How is a
Suzie a Jas a?
JAS:
She is tickety boo and dandy thank you for your polite enquiry, Mr Joe sir,
proprietor and authentic Italian ambassador for this fine establishment.
ALLY:
What he’s trying to say, Joe, is can we have a few coffees on the house, mate?
We’re going through a bit of a rough patch with the business.
JOE:
Ah you are a naughty boys a. But a like you a. Old Joe a fix you up a coffee a.
No problem a. And maybe you could do me a favour in a return a Jas a.
JAS:
Your desire is my wish my old gum drop of streaky Italian prossechatta served on
a bed of buffalo mozzarella from the heart of the Tuscan valley.
JOE:
Just ask a da Suzie to a come in a soon a.
JAS:
Eh why?
JOE:
Errr…. a she a forgot her a hand bag a.
JAS:
No problemato Joe, I’ll take it to her.
JOE:
No, ah. It is errr a surprise a handbag a. Just ah tell her to come in a.
IAN:
Can you guys shut it. We’re supposed to be here to come up with a new business
plan, not talk about bloody handbags. Pass us the paper Joe – check the footie
scores.
JOE:
There you go ah Ian a.
Paper
is open on page three. Ian gawps at the buxom bird of the day.
IAN:
That’s it! That’s it! Ah’ve got it. I have got it. Just call me a bloody
genius. Ah know how we can turn the business round!
Scene
3: Catherine’s flat all girls there flicking through magazines
JENNY:
Ooooh there’s some lovely stuff in here. Really could do with a new wardrobe
for the summer.
CATHERINE:
What do you mean? Ally just got you a new one.
SUZIE:
She’s not talking about that kind of wardrobe, daftie. She’s talking about
clothes. New clothes, aren’t you, Jenny?
JENNY:
Yes, of course I am.
CATHERINE:
Oh. I thought you meant like a wooden wardrobe made of er wood. Don’t see the
point of getting new clothes really, do you? Waste of money if you ask me.
SUZIE:
Of course it’s not. A woman’s got to look good for her man.
CATHERINE:
Och away, jeans and t-shirt is all you need. What’s all the fuss about?
JENNY:
(Horrified.) What?!!!! Clothes are the most important thing about a
woman next to her boobs and shoes. It’s an expression of class, of chic, of
style, an extension of the soul. Think Gucci, Versace, Donna Karan and Stella McCartney.
Sheer quality.
CATHERINE:
Och aye, maybe you’re right. I always get my knickers from Marks and Sparks
Jenny
snorts in indignation, returns to her magazine.
SUZIE:
Anything in particular you’re looking for Jenny?
JENNY:
Dreamily .Don’t know really (pause). Everything, I suppose.
SUZIE:
Sounds like it’s time for us girls to go shopping!
JENNY:
YEAH, SHOPPING!!!! Jenny jumps up and down and flings the magazine behind her.
We deserve a treat. Come on. Lets’ go!
SUZIE:
Hmmm, hold on a minute …
JENNY:
What? We’ve only got 6hours and forty three minutes till they close! Quick!
SUZIE:
Well, we’re a wee bit short of cash at the mo. Business at the boys isn’t going
too well.
JENNY:
Oh.
CATHERINE:
Och, away with you. It’s not that bad. Ian sold a cushion yesterday. More cold beans
on bread, anyone?
SCENE 4: Boys in Ian’s flat
drinking cans of beer.
ALLY:
It’s brilliant, mate. Absolutely brilliant.
JAS:
Yes, I must confess, quite an outstanding notion, Ian. For a man of your
talents you have indeed excelled yourself in logical thought processes, vision
and inventiveness.
IAN:
Er. Aye. Thanks. Er. Lads.
ALLY:
Ah should have thought of it myself. It’s what all the punters want. It’s all
they care about. Ah mean when ye think about it. When you go shopping you want
a maximum pleasurable experience.
JASON:
Yes, that is most correct. Interestingly, marketing surveys show that important
items should always be on the left hand side of the customer as they enter the
shop. However, that fact is in no way intended to detract from Ian’s most
splendid idea.
SCENE 5: Ian round at
newspaper to place ad. Argument with bespectacled old man to Ian’s ad is non-pc!
Ian:
Whit dae ye mean ahm a sexist?
MAN:
Look, for the fourth time, you can not refer to the female species in a
derogatory manner in today’s society.
IAN:
Eh? Come again?
MAN:
Look, you’re proposed advert is unacceptable to our publication.
IAN:
Whit are you saying? It cannae go in the paper?
MAN:
(getting angry.) Yes. Of course it
can’t.
IAN:
But why?
MAN:
It’s too sexist!
IAN:
But it’s no’. It’s factual and short to the point.
MAN:
Look, we’re not printing that.
IAN:
What’s wrong with it?
MAN:
For heaven’s sake man – look at it. Read it yourself.
IAN
(Reads the ad and nods.) It’s perfect! Wrote it maself so ah did.
MAN:
Give it here! Now listen! “Blonde burd wi big breasts wanted tae work in total quality
furniture shop. Burds fae Sweden
IAN:
Suit yerself ya stubborn old speccy git. Ah’ll take ma business elsewhere!
MAN:
Right ye are then.
IAN:
(Heading for door): Haud on a minute, haud oan a minute. Ah recognise
you, don’t I? You were in the papers.
MAN
: No. I don’t think so. Now, if you don’t mind, on your way!
IAN:
Aren’t you that durty wee basturd that got caught hand jiving in the woods next
tae that couple in the ford Cortina?
MAN:
(Going red.) Certainly not! I don’t know what you’re talking about.
IAN
(Bolder.) Aye it was you. Ah knew Ah recognised ye. Ya filthy swine.
MAN:
Get out.
IAN:
Not on yer nelly. Do you want me tae tell yer boss?
MAN:
Ok ok. I’ll put the advert in. Now just sod off!!
SCENE 6: Suzies flat. Jas
and Susan having candle-lit dinner together. Jas brings up hand bag at Joes.
JASON:Sooozin?
SUSAN:Yes,
Jason?
JASON:
Sooozin?
SUSAN:
Yes Jason, what is it?
JASON:
I was just wondering, Sooozin.
SUSAN:
Oh for heaven’s sake, Jason – out with it!
JASON:
You do love me, don’t you Sooozin.? I said, you do love me, Sooozin?
SUSAN:
Of course I do darling. What’s brought that on?
JASON:
Oh nothing.
SUSAN:
C’mon, what is it?
JASON:
No really, Soooozin. I don’t want to talk about it. I’m staying Zippy. Zippy
and Bungle closed and quiet, like you’re always telling me to zip it.
SUSAN:
Don’t be so silly –out with it man!
JASON:
What? Now Soozin?!!!! (excitedly reaching for flies).
SUSAN:
Not that “out with it”, stupid.
JASON:
My lips are sealed. Big fat seal seal, arf arf arf. I say nothing.
SUSAN:
Jason, for goodness sake, out with it!!!!!
JASON:
No, I’m not talking. Oh all right then well it’s Joe he’s got your handbag and
he fancies you and I think he wants to have an affair with you if he’s not
having one already and he’s a womaniser and he looks at page three and he’s
slimey and I’ve seen the way he looks at you and he wants to shag you and he
fancies you there’s a lot of dirty men out there who think of nothing else but
boobs and bums which I certainly would never do Soozin as I love you I’ve only
got eyes for you Soozin and Joe’s got your handbag. He’s got your handbag,
Soozin. He’s got your hand bag.
SUSAN:
Woah, woah down there.
JASON:
And it’s the special blue one with yellow stripes at regular 43 degree angles
interspaced by 2.44 mm in the x- direction. The one I bought for our seventh
Hawaiian pizza with artichokes and mushroom anniversary. Remember you said any
time we had Hawaiian pizza with artichokes and mushroom that you would think of
me.
SUSAN:
Jason, I must have left it in the café. I’ve been looking for it everywhere.
JASON:
It cost me 75 pounds and ninety nine pence which back in those days would be
worth the equivalent of 223 pounds and 15 pence and you said it was the most
romantic gesture and the most distinctive hand bag ever I can’t believe you had
an affair with Joe and he’s all greasy and slimey and …
SUSAN:
Will you just shut up!!!! I am not having an affair with Joe! I left my hand
bag in the café. It’s you I love. It’s you I love.
JASON:
(Pausing) what you really accidentally, by way of a random occurrence,
as in a slip of human intelligence when one is pre-occuppied with non worldly
thoughts and one might consider oneself lost in the moment, left it in Joes?
SUSAN:
Yes!!!!
JASON:
Oh. ….(Silence.) Do you still love me?
SUSAN:
Of course I do. Come here you. (Long kiss.) I’ve only got eyes for you.
SCENE 7: World of Wood. Interview
1 typical Glasgow
ALLY: And so, er, Ms McCall,
what makes you interested in this position?
MCALL: Whit do ye mean
about ma position. Ahm sitting properly like ah wos told tae dae at school.
ALLY: The job, Ms McCall.
The job.
McCall: Ahve always wanted tae
work in a shoap and ah want some dosh for ma fellas habit, know?
ALLY: Oh, I see. Right.
JAS: Permit me, if I may.
Perhaps I can offer a more gentile approach to questioning towards someone who
by all means and purposes is clearly a practitioner of the local dialect and
has a care element about her persona.
McCALL: (Staring hard at
Jason.) Aye. Er right mate. Ur
JASON: I fail to see what
nationality has to do with this meeting here today.
McCALL: Ah hate the English
me.
IAN: Haud oan a minute,
hoad oan a minute. We’re going way off track here. Now Ms lady malarckey ma
lad. Where abouts in Sweden
McCALL: Sweden Sweden
IAN: Oh, the advert clearly
says Swedish burds. We want Swedish burds.
McCALL: Aye there wuz a wee
mix up. Ah cannae read that well. Ah could see the S and the N in the bit about
where you should come fae. Ah thought ye meant Scostoun, no’ Sweden
ALLY: Right, right, right.
Let’s stop there! Let’s do a wee scenario thing, eh?
McCALL: Whit? Ah’m no intae
that group stuff. Wan o’ yeez at a time mebbe but no’ that English bloke. No
way.
ALLY: Role playing. Role
playing. I’m talking about role playing, not a gang bang!
McCALL:
I’ve hud ma lunch already, ta very much.
ALLY:
No, no, no. (Drawing deep breath. Let’s pretend I’m a customer and
you’re trying to sell me something (looking round). Like that nice wee
lamp over there. I open the door and come in. Then over to you. Ok?
McCALL:
Aye. The door. Ah noticed there was wan on the way in, likes.
ALLY:
Knock, knock.
McCALL:
Eh, whit? Whit is it?
ALLY:
Over to you dear. Let’s try again. Knock, knock.
McCALL:
Who’s there?
ALLY:
Not who’s there!
McCALL
(Thinking hard.) Not who’s there who?
ALLY:
No, stop! Right, forget that. I’m in the shop now. Ok. You want to sell me the
vase, right?
McCALL:
Aye. The vase.
ALLY:
Oh, excuse me, madam, how much for this exquisite, high quality, Tiffany
edition lamp?
McCALL:
How should ah know?
JAS
(Whispering.) Pretend! Pretend! Just pretend.
ALLY:
(Losing patience.) How much is this vase?
McCALL:
Och, it’s five thousand bar.
ALLY:
Five thousand bar?!! Five thousand bar?! That’s a bit expensive is it not?
McCALL:
Piss off then ya tight bastard ye. Ma mans an H-addict ah need the dosh.
IAN
(Rising.): Right ye are Ms Mcall. I think we’ve seen all we need to.
We’ll call you. Thanks for coming. Great interview.
McCALL:
Aye thanks, then. Ah’ll start on Monday.
IAN:
No, we’ll call you, remember? Bye bye.
ALLY:
Bloody hell. Was that hard work or what?
IAN:
Aye. Shocking. No’ exactly what we were looking for, eh?
JAS:
Let me shout you gentlemen a pint of Shazza’s finest.
ALLY:
Boozer. Good idea.
SCENE
8: Girls back at flat: Catherine skimming through paper for jobs.
CATHERINE:
Och there’s nothing in here at all, Jenny. Are you really sure you want a job?
JENNY:
Of course I don’t want a job. I want the money!
SUZIE:
No way would you catch me working, money or no money. Life’s too short.
CATHERINE:
Me too. Oh well, there’s nothing in here anyway.
SUZIE:
(Grabbing paper.) Are you sure? Friday’s rag usually has loads.
CATHERINE:
No, they’re all really strange rubbishy ones. Like “wee Bill knew him well, his
loving family, forever in our minds.”
SUZIE:
That’s the deaths section you’re on, you nincompoop! Jobs are on page 55.
CATHERINE:
Oh, well. How was I supposed to know?
SUZIE:
Well, there’s a bit of a clue at the top of the page: “Deaths, births and
marriages.”
JENNY
(To Suzie.) See anything good?
SUZIE:
Hmmmm there’s a few possibilities. Toilet cleaner on Scotrail trains – experience
of crap management essential.
JENNY:
Sure that’s not the Scotland
SUZIE:
Leaves sweeper at Vicky Park – must be able to tolerate winos and general
public abuse. Furniture shop in West-end
- let me see…blonde burd wi big breasts, nice arse a bonus.
JENNY:
Hold on. I could do that! West-end would be well handy too.
CATHERINE:
Wait a minute.
SUSAN:
What is it, Catherine? You’ve gone rather pale.
CATEHRINE.
No. Surely not. No. It can’t be.
JENNY:
What now?
CATHERINE:
Hmm. I was just thinking. You don’t think it could be the boys shop, do you?
JENNY:
Eh? What. Surely not!
SUSAN:
Blonde burd wi big breasts wanted tae work in total quality furniture shop.
Burds fae Sweden
JENNY:
Oh, that’s shocking. So rude.
CATHERINE:
Must’ve been Ally or Jason who wrote that. Ian would never do something like
that.
SUZIE:
Why, the womanising, ogling, little pervert!
JENNY:
Don’t think I’ll apply.
SUZIE:
Too right you won’t. I’m applying and I’ve got a plan to teach those filthy
hypocritical lads a lesson. “Wouldn’t look at another woman – only got eyes for
you Soozin” my ass!.
SCENE
9: Joes café : Soozin in for hand-bag.
JOE:
Ah Susan a, you are a looking beautiful a today a.
SUZIE:
Ach behave yourself. I’m only in for my handbag.
JOE:
Ah it is like a you a completely divine a. It is soft a like a plastic a like a
your skin a and holds treasure a inside a.
SUZIE:
You’re just full of it you. Only treasure in there is two sticks of Juicy
Fruit.
JOE:
A never see a another woman a as beautiful as you a.
SUZIE:
Stop it you, you letch of a man.
JOE:
But these a feeling a have a, you a have them too a Suize a. I see a the way a
you drink a you’re coffee a and look at a me a expectantly a.
SUZIE:
Aye, I’m trying to get the bill, you idiot.
JOE:
Then a you a deliberately a leave a your handbag a here a so a you can a see me
again a. Come a here a Susan a I want a kiss a.
SUZIE:
Keep your filthy paws off me or I’ll tell Jas to have you.
JOE:
Ah Jas a never a trust a man a. Not all a are as good as a me a.
SUZIE
(Grabbing handbag and making for door.) I’m warning you Mr Squadrito,
one more move and you’re a cappuccino. Get it!
JOE:
Ah Suzie a you are a more a beautiful than a ever when a you are a angry a.
Suzie
slams door and stomps off.
Scene
10: World of Wood. Interview Helga, a Swedish transvestite.
ALLY:
Oh, I think we’re in for a cracker here, lads. Helga something, you say Jason?
JAS:
That is correct, oh wise and all perceptive one. A most interesting character.
Hobbies include ornithology…
IAN:
Whit’s that?
ALLY:
Bird watching, you ass.
IAN:
Oh brilliant – love a bit of hot lesbo action me.
JAS:
(ignoring them.) Hails originally from Malmo
ALLY:
Sounds top, mate. Hey that’s the door. That must be her. Now don’t blow it
lads, best behaviour and don’t salivate too much.
IAN:
Don’t worry, Ally – she’ll be bowled
over by my smooth, silky tongued charm and wisdom. I’ll get the door.
Ian
opens the door. Stops, mouth open. Collecting himself, he declares…
IAN:
Sorry mate, no bins need emptying today. If you don’t mind, must dash, I have
someone very sexy, I mean important, to interview.
HELGA:
(Deep voice.) Hallo. I am Helga. I am from Sweden
IAN:
No, sorry mate, there must’ve been a mistake.
HELGA:
Mistake I am not understanding. This is World of Wood?
IAN:
Aye, it is.
HELGA:
I have an interviewing at 2pm .
IAN:
No. No. No no no.
HELGA:
Why you say no no no no?
IAN:
But you’re a bloke and a bogging one at that. You’ve got a ‘tache and
everything.
ALLY:
(Kicking Ian.) Pardon my colleague. He is how you say?- a bit dim-witted.
C’mon in.
HELGA:
I understand. It is very common complaint with the man with small penis.
IAN:
Eh?. Whit did he say?
JAS:
Gentlemen, gentlemen oh, and er, lady. Let us proceed in a professional and
dignified manner. If no-one minds, I will commence the questioning. I
understand you are inclined toward the pastime of ornithology. Pray tell, what
is your favourite fluttering species?
IAN:
Dickie birds, ah bet.
ALLY:
(Angry whisper.) Shut it you or we’ll get sued for discrimination!
HELGA:
I have always admired the blue tits. So I bought a pair myself.
IAN:
Aye, so we see.
HELGA:
Pardon me?
ALLY:
My colleague was just saying, excellent choice, he’s a big tit man himself.
HELGA:
Oh. Could you show me to the ladies, bitte?
IAN:
Sure you don’t want the gents?
ALLY:
For the last time, can you no’ just shut it!
Helga
staggers over to toilet in long boots with high heels.
JAS:
I really think she’s a splendid candidate.
IAN:
Aye if ye like yer birds wi balls and hairy arses. Shouting to toilets. Just see yourself
out, girl, we have another important appointment in the city. We’ll call you.
Right,
ah need a pint.
ALLY:
Aye, me too. Your shout.
JAS:
Are you sure you won’t reconsider?
SCENE
11: Three lads down pub; Ian’s mobile rings
SUZIE
(Putting on heavy Swedish accent.) Allo, can I be speaking with the Ian,
please? I be understanding he is a big handsome man.
IAN:
Aye yer right there doll. Is that the porno shop? Now’s not a good time.
SUZIE:
Sorry, I am not knowing what you are a talking about. I am from Sweden
IAN:
Aye ah could tell, doll. You’re more Swedish than a toblerone.
JAS:
They are actually made in Switzerland Switzerland
IAN:
(Furiously.) Shut it! Can’t you see ah’m on the phone. Sorry about that
doll. Some people have nae manners.
SUZIE:
Oh, I am loving a big strong man who is being so masterful. You Scotsmen are so
large like a caber tossers and with wonderful accent of sexy like a double oh
seven and I am the miss funny penny. Blonde girls with heaving bosoms like me
just get bowled over by them.
IAN:
Aye, fair do doll. Look ahm really busy here in a business meeting. How exactly
can I help you?
SUZIE:
I would like to be coming and have meeting with you and see how I could help
the big handsome Scottish man with the cabre. I am all alone from Sweden
IAN:
Aye ah see. Ah see. Are you fat?
SUZIE:
I am being 5 ft 9 with 36DD boobies and a very slimming waist with tightest
buttocks. I could working very well with your wood.
IAN:
Steady on doll. That’s a bit fast is it no? I’ve no even met ye. (Pausing.)
Did you say 36DD?
SUZIE:
Yes, they have got smaller in the winter of Scotland
IAN:
Woweeee.
SUZIE:
But we will have interviewing for you to meeting me? I hope I am how you say
“up for the job”.
IAN:
Ahm sure you are, doll. Ahm sure ye are. The job. Ah, the job. The job. Of
course. The job.
SUZIE:
Please what you say, please? I have degree from Stockholm University in
secretarial studies and body massage. We could discuss in sauna. Please just
give me interviewing for a chance. Please.
IAN:
No problemato doll. You’ll fit the bill very nicely indeedly doodly. Let’s say
tomorrow morning at 9:00 O’clock .
(hangs up and turns to boys with a massive grin). My round!!!! Half and
a half all round.
JAS:
Who was that? If I may be permitted to make such a general enquiry. If one
might probe in such a direction with a degree of enthusiasm that correlates
well with the width of smile on your facial expression.
IAN:
That, my friends, was our new recruit!
ALLY:
What do you mean, “new recruit?” We’ve not interviewed anyone yet apart from
those two numpties.
IAN:
Believe me lads, this one’s a cracker. A cracker ah tell ye. A true genuine Swedish
bit of tottie. Shazza! Where’s they whiskies?
ALLY:
Hold on a minute. Ah thought you were skint?
IAN:
Now, now. For you boys I’d spend my last kroner.
JAS:
Might I be so bold as to utter the colloquial term related to canines
testicles?
IAN:
Eh? Come again, mate?
JAS:
Bollox.
SCENE
12: Girls in flat: Suzie getting dressed up with Jen and Catherine assisting.
SUZIE:
Are you sure this blonde wig looks all right? Feels a bit funny to me.
CATHERINE:
Aye, right enough you look like a bit of a robot gone wrong.
JENNY:
No, she does not. You’ll look super, girl. Remember just think Swedish,
Swedish. Be confident. Confident, girl.
SUSIE:
Hello, my name is Susan. I am from Sveden.
JENNY:
You can’t say “Susan”, that’s not very Swedish, is it?!
CATHERIE:
Aye, you’re right Jenny, Lulu is a much better name.
JENNY:
Lulu? Are you mad?
CATHERINE:
Aye, the singer, Lulu. She was Swedish, was she not?
SUZIE:
I think you’ve gone a bit nuts, she’s from Glasgow Sweden
CATHERINE:
Oh.
SUZIE:
I’ll call myself Ingrid. Allo my name is Ingrid I am from Sveden. Hmmm. I’m not
convinced.
JENNY:
Here – drink this and you’ll be fine. (Hands her a large glass of red wine).
Down in one and off you go! Oh and don’t forget you’re false boobies.
CATHERINE:
Good luck, Suzie. Ooops, I mean Ingrid!
SCENE
13: Boys back in Ian’s flat in very high spirits.
IAN:
(excitedly) Tell ye what, lads. We’ll be well minted with this new bit
of fluff in the shop. Punters’ll go ape- you wait and see. She does massages
and everything.
JASON:
Does that include full body tai-chi-esque deep muscle therapy or is it more
focused on a spiritual yoga-hindustani meets Tibet
IAN:
(To Ally.) Could you punch him or will I? Just shut it. Why can’t you
talk like a normal human being?
JASON:
I think you will find, my learned friend, that my parlance is indeed in-line
with human physical features, having an oral cavity, bronchial units for
expression of breath and a vast dialect. However, there are animals on this
planet who’s oratory skills have more in common with uneducated, modern day
Neanderthal man, such as your good self.
IAN:
Eh, come again? Are you taking the piss? (To Ally.) Is he taking the
Michael?
ALLY:
Just can it, both of you. If we’re going to be that minted… Guess what?
IAN
and JAS: What?
ALLY:
We’re going on a dirty big holiday to celebrate.
IAN:
Holiday ? Holiday ….aaaah
holiday. Been so long since I had one I’ve forgotten what it is. Just me on the
beach getting lagered on cocktails, Cat sucking ma toes and feeding me grapes.
Footie on in the background. “ Oh, do pass me another caviar canopy, le doll,
before we retire to the Villa for some rumpy-pumpy”
JAS:
I don’t understand how one could have any form of electrical circuitry in a silicone
based environment. Earth and mother nature is what we need.
IAN:
(Ignoring Jas.) Cracking idea, Ally. An all expenses paid holiday in the
sun. Just us and the girlies. Tops!
ALLY:
And my Amigos three, yer old da’ here has come up trumps (flourishes airline
tickets from inside jacket). We are off to the Costa Del Prada for a weeks
golfing!
JAS:
But.
ALLY:
Shut it, you! Don’t ask about the cash. Let’s just say it’s from future
earnings.
JAS:
But (rummaging around trousers).
IAN:
Ya beauty, a wee holiday! But the the girls don’t like golf.
ALLY:
Who said anything about the girls? They’re not coming. Ah could only afford
three tickets.
JAS:
(Raising his voice) But I’ve gone and bought us three Glastonbury Glastonbury
IAN:
Tenting in a field of mud in the peeing rain at some folk festival, yer ass,
it’s luxury holiday for a man of my stature. Think about it. This Swedish
girlie will be raking the dosh in and she’s got a degree in secretarial
management so she’ll run the show no probs. We might as well large it up!
ALLY:
Tell ye what Jas, me old mucker, we can give the hippy tickets to the girlies.
They like the great outdoors.
JAS:
Hmmmm, maybe.
IAN:
Ah think the girlies’ll go nuts wi us though. Them stuck in the flat while
we’re larging it in Spain
ALLY:
Aye, ye might be right. Hold on. Jas, maybe you’re not so mad after all. We
give the girlies the Glasto tickets as a wee treat and wee pee off to Spain
IAN:
Brilliant! – they’ll be none the wiser. “Sorry doll, cannae hear ye on the
phone a think a cow is eating the line.” Even better, we’ll get sympathy shags
and everything when they get back.
ALLY:
Are we super stars or what?!
JAS:
Not sure about this lads.
SCENE
14: World of Wood. Boys all suited and booted up for interview. Suzie dolled up
as Ingrid.
IAN:
Ah, you must be Ingrid. Enchante le doll. (Kisses her hand). A fine
model even bigger than I imagined.
SUZIE:
Sorry, please Mr Ian.
ALLY:
Oh, nothing, nothing. Ignore him. Have a seat over here (frantically brushes
chair and removes pizza box.).
JAS:
My gosh, I know this is utterly inappropriate and tantamount to being illegal
but I must say in a manner of speaking if I may at all be concise in this particular
setting where we are today, that you, Mrs Ingrid woman, look simply quite
stunning.
SUZIE:
(Glares then smil,es.) Ah thanking you. You must be the one with the
name of Jason. I do begging your pardon, Mr Ian but may I have a little drink
for consuming?
IAN:
Certainly Ingrid, with the big boobies. I mean, Ingrid, what would you like?
Tea/ coffee?
SUZIE:
A tea please.
ALLY:
I’ll get it whilst you boys drool. How’d do you take it, Ingrid?
SUZIE:
I like men in all positions.
ALLY:
Eh?
IAN:
Ho, ho, ho that’s my girl. Very dirty, Ingrid. Very dirty.
ALLY:
(Realising.) The tea, I mean the tea!
SUZIE:
Ah the tea. Ah is very strange I am only person in the world to have tea this
way. I must have half a teaspoon of leaves of tea in a strainer for the tea
with 99.95% fat-free milk and 1 and 2/3 spoons of demerara sugar.
JAS:
What? half a teaspoon of tealeaves in a tea strainer with 99.95% fat-free milk
and 1 and 2/3 spoons of demerara sugar?!!!! That’s exactly how I take it!
That’s amazing. (Drooling.) You are a most talented lady. Hmmm- you look
strangely familiar. Perhaps I have seen you at the museum society or the local
Edwardian book-shop? Hmmmm most deliciously intriguing. Magnetic even.
SUZIE:
Thank you, Mr Jason, you are making me feel, how you say, right at home at ease
mother brown. You are a terrible man for the ladies. However I am assumptions
that a man of your intellectual and rugged features is married yes?
JAS:
Well one is always married, isn’t one? One could be married to nature to
flowing water or to the earth itself.
SUZIE:
I was meaning to a woman of the world.
JAS:
(Lengthy pause) No.
IAN
to Ally: That’s the quickest thing I’ve ever heard him say in his life.
ALLY:
(Whispering) and I’ve never heard him lie before. I think he’s in love.
IAN:
Right, enough of this shenanigans. You’ve got the job!
SUZIE:
I have ze job? Wow, that is so fantastic! Let me lean over my heavy chest and
kiss you all with my succulent lips on the cheek face.
IAN:
Aye, awright then. Me first!
SUZIE:
But holdings on a minute, you haven’t asked me any questions.
IAN:
Don’t worry about that, doll, you’ll do. Ah, here’s one. Can you start tomorrow
morning?
SUZIE:
You’re bloody right I will.
ALLY:
Sorry, what was that?
SUZIE:
I mean, I would love to. You are such lovely gentlemen peoples.
SCENE
15: Girls in Joes café. Suzie still in disguise. Joe in lust!!!! Suzie reviews
interview success.
JENNY:
So how’d it go, how’d it go?
SUZIE:
Perfectomondo. They fell, hook, line and sinker, dirty wee men that they are.
JENNY:
We’ll teach them. They’re going to have to treat us big time to get out of this
one.
CATHERINE:
Oh, I’m sure Ian wouldn’t be involved in any leery behaviour.
SUZIE:
Don’t kid yourself, he was the worst! Well, next to Jason, that was. He almost
proposed to me. Think he’s in love with me.
JOE:
A Catherine and a Jenny a who is this a lovely looking a beautiful a woman a. A
have not a seen you a before a. (Kisses Susan’s hand.) You have eyes
like a the moon a and a lips a like a curly-wurly a. But you a look a like a
have a seen you a before a. Must a been on a painting a or in a dream a about
heaven a.
SUZIE:
Och, away ye go! I mean, I am from Sweden Glasgow
Joe
slithers away.
SUZIE:
Honestly, men! – you just can’t trust them!
SCENE
16: World of Wood. Suzie turns up for work. Boys all over her.
Catherine
and Jenny peering in through window. Catherine be-decked with sophisticated
camera, rolls of film round her neck, large flash.
JENNY:
Right, as soon as you see them lusting after Ingrid we get a photo, right, Catherine?
CATHERINE:
Who’s Ingrid?
JENNY:
Suzie!!!! Focus girl, focus.
CATHERINE:
Yes, Jenny, I am ready captain. Roger and out, over. What button is it again?
Inside
the shop.
IAN:
Ah, on behalf of the management we would like to officially welcome Ingrid to
our humble wee store.
INGRID:
Ah, I am thanking you very much for the welcome introducing.
IAN:
Aye and, er, the boys and I, ah mean the management, thought we’d run through
the rules of the place.
INGRID:
Zat is a good idea I am all ears and listening.
IAN:
(Head down reading hastily scribbled list.) Right. No peeing in the
sink. Bring yer own bog roll in. Fridge is for lager only. No fighting over
TV - sports channel left on at all times
even if we’re not on a tea break.
INGRID:
Ah, ah see.
IAN:
If ye don’t get paid in time consider it nae bother and do not hassle the
management. Aye, and finally…
SUZIE:
Yes, I am paying attention very strictly.
IAN:
This was actually Jason’s idea.
SUZIE:
Ah, the clever one with a love of good tea.
IAN:
Aye, he suggests we start each day with a register.
SUZIE:
Good idea to me sounds in my ear holes.
IAN:
And er a firm handshake between the boys.
(Demonstrates
by shaking Ally and Jason’s hands).
SUZIE:
Yes, good idea.
IAN:
And er a big kiss for the girl.
SUZIE:
Eh?
Before
she knows it Jas, Ian and Ally can resist it no more and all dive forwards to
give Suzie a kiss. Jas trips in his rush and lands body down on Suzie.
Meanwhile,
outside shop…
JENNY:
Quick! Photos, now!!!!
CATHERINE:
(Reeling off loads) Got it!
JENNY:
Right, let’s storm the shop. (Bursts through door.) This is a raid!
You
boys, back against the wall. Suzie over there.
IAN:
Eh? Suzie?
Suzie
smiles and peels off wig and pulls out false boobs. Then she goes bright red
and starts hitting Jas with her yellow hand-bag.
SUAIZE:
You filthy, cheating, swine you. Take that.
JAS:
Ouch, I can explain and that.
ALLY:
(Looking at front door he sees McCall and her man storming in.) In the
name of the wee man. Run!
MCCALL:
(To her man, Jake.) It’s that filthy pervert there (pointing to Jas.).
He’s Unglish get him, Jake!
JAKE:
(To Jas) Ho you! Have you been messing wi’ ma wee wuman?
JAS:
No, I have not!!!!!
SUZIE:
(More furiously.) What? Another woman! After all you said?! (Hitting him
hard.) Take that and that.
Jake
puts boot in too.
SUZIE:
You boys owe us big time. (Looking at damaged hand bag from beating Jas.)
I want a new one for that.
CATHERINE:
I want a holiday!
JENNY:
I want spending money!
IAN:
Stop!!!! Stop! We’ll do a deal. We’ll send you girlies on a luxurious outdoor
event by way of vacation.
SUZIE:
Aye, pull the other one.
ALLY:
No, it’s true. Jas give her the tickets.
JAS:
Ian’s got the Spain
Ally
head in hands collapses to floor.
SUZIE:
(Grabbing the Glasto tickets.) Huh, if you think us girls are going
there, think again. What’s all this about Spain
IAN:
You idiot, Jas. Can you not ever just keep yer trap shut?
JENNY:
Ian, hand over the Spain
CATHERINE:
Oooooooh always fancied Spain
JAKE:
Aye and don’t forget me and ma wee doll.
IAN:
Well, no way are you going to Spain
JAKE:
Don’t worry, pal. Ah don’t need an aeroplane where ahm going. Ah helped maself
tae the till on the way in. Syringe oblivion for me!
The
three lads look at each other despairingly then start slapping each other.
ALLY:
(To Ian.) It’s all your bloody fault – your daft idea. Recruitment!
IAN:
(Slapping Jas.) We would’ve got away with it if it wasn’t for you not
recognising your own bloody wife! We’ve lost the takings and our holiday.
JAS
(To Ally.): It’s his fault for asking for the tickets.
SUZIE,
JENNY & CATHERINE: (Laughing and marching out together.) Men!!!! Hey
vie vora Espagne!
SUZIE:
Oh, and one other thing, lads.
IAN,
ALLY, JAS: Yes?
SUZIE:
I resign!
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