Boys
in the wood
Episode
5
Pub
CAST
LIST
ALLY
IAN
JASON
JENNY
CATHERINE
SUSAN
JOE
SHAZ
DAZ
EWAN
SCENE
1: Pub. Daz moaning about Shaz to Ally.
DAZ:
Ah don’t know what’s wrong wi’ her, man. She’s gone nuts, man.
ALLY:
Och, don’t worry, mate. Women go through phases.
DAZ:
What’s plastic surgery got to do with it? Are you saying ma Shazza’s got plastic
boobies, man?!
ALLY:
Calm down. Calm down. I said phases, not faces.
DAZ:
Oh, ah see. (thinking deeply) .What,
like the moon, man?
ALLY:
No, more like fishing. See, think about fishing. Sometimes the tide’s in and
you get no fish. Not a sausage. Other times the tides out and you are feeding
the five thousand. Karma. Ebb and flow. In and out. Out and in. You see?
DAZ:
Er no Ally, man. Ah’ve never heard of a sausage fish, man! You’ve had one too
many. Think you’d better drink up, man.
ALLY:
Oh cheers, Daz, I’ll have the same again, mate.
DAZ:
Sighing, pours another beer.
DAZ:
Ah mean she’s no’ herself man. She’s stopped hitting me. Ah’ve no’ been tae casualty
for three weeks man. Three weeks. Nae plates are broken, nothing. Punter’s will
think ahm soft. She’s even started calling me Dazza.
ALLY:
But that’s your name. What does she normally call you?
DAZ:
“Useless piece of turd”, “amoeba” and if she’s feeling a bit happier, “get oot
ma sight right now man.” She’s sort of gone all posh man. Ever since the car
crash man.
ALLY:
Oh dear. Sounds serious.
DAZ:
Aye. It is man. What can ah do?
ALLY:
Well if ye want my advice, Dazza me old mate…
DAZ:
Yes, Ally man?
ALLY:
Ahem (shaking empty glass).
DAZ:
Same again…Aye on the hoose man.
ALLY:
Thanks man, yer a good man, Dazza man.
DAZZA:
Never mind that, man. What’s yer advice?
ALLY:
Take her on a wee holiday.
DAZZA:
Holiday ? We’ve never hud a holiday man.
ALLY:
See – so that’s what you need.
DAZZA:
Aye mebbes.
ALLY:
Sun, sea and nookie. Quality time together. Just you and her. You’ll be getting
abused again in no time.
DAZZA:
(dreamily) aye, a few stitches here, a bust mouth there. Perfect. Och
but ah cannae leave this place man. We couldn’t afford to shut it doon.
ALLY:
Well, you’re in luck, my friend.
DAZZA:
How’s that Ally man?
ALLY:
Ah’ll look after the pub for you (smacking his lips). Mind you, it’d be
thirsty… ah ah mean hard, work. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t want paid. Just the odd
beer, at the end of trade, of course. Wouldn’t dream of drinking on the job.
Nice drop of stuff that ale…(shakes glass again).
SCENE
2: World of Wood :Ian and Jas really busy with customers.
Ally
awol in pub.
IAN:
Aye certainly, madam. No problemato at all. I’ll deliver that first thing
tomorrow afternoon. That’ll be nine hundred and ninety nine pounds and seventy
five pence only, dear. A wardrobe like that will change your life. Your man’s a
lucky man, dear. Right, who’s next?
JAS:
(arms laden with chairs and a mirror following a customer) Ian, might I
be so polite as to enquire if you could possibly assist with the carrying of
these clearly observable heavyweight items from the store room to the counter
which is 10.5 metres away. Despite the tone of my voice this is almost
certainly a matter of urgency. Indeed one might say panic.
IAN:
Ah’m, busy. Get Ally to help. Where is he anyway? (Turning to customer at
till) That’ll be 250 pounds and twenty five pence, sir. A rare bargain
you’ve bagged for yourself there. Finest Scandinavian wood so it is, from the,
er, Tundra valley.
PUNTER:
Oh is that right? The Tundra? Where abouts in Spain
IAN:
Tut tut sir, it’s no’ in Spain
PUNTER:
Oh. Where is it then?
IAN:
Now now sir, surely you are jesting. Everyone knows where the Tundra is.
PUNTER:
Oh, I’m a bit stupid like.
IAN:
(muttering) Aye, ye must be to buy this shite.
PUNTER:
Eh? What wis
IAN:
It’s in Mongolia
PUNTER:
Oh ah thought that was in Asia . China
IAN:
(Laughing) No no no, sir. It’s the Scandinavian bit, not the outer
Mongolia area. Right, on yer way. Who’s next please?
JAS:
I’m going to drop this!!!!…….crash
IAN:
Och see you, Jas. Ah told ye to get Ally.
JAS:
He’s not here at the present moment in time. He is what one might say, out and
about.
IAN:
Oh, maybe he’s popped out to get us our sangers for lunch. Ahm starving!
JAS:
While I concede that is a possibility, I feel the likelihood of such an
occurrence is miniscule. He departed this fine establishment over 4 hours and
twenty three minutes ago. Approximately.
Ally
staggers in: Reeking of beer.
ALLY:
Hallo boysh! It’sh me! Hallo missus! Buying a wee bit of furniture are ye mate?
Get yerself down to Ikea all the stuff here is crap. Ho ho ho.
Punters
scarper.
IAN:
Where the hell have you been? You stink like a drunken badger!
ALLY:
(slurring) Do not worry my friendsh. Do not worry. I have a shurprishe
for you.
IAN:
What’s that? That you can remember your name? Look at the state of you.
ALLY:
Name? Name? What you mean my name? Noh boys. Look at thish. Pulls large bunch
of keys out of pocket. Itsh ma new bushiness. Chust ash a favour to my ferry
good friend Dazza. I, ah say I, am looking after the Shaz bar for the next
week.
Collapses
in heap on floor.
JAS:
I’ll get the coffee and close the curtains.
Puts
“closed” sign on front door.
IAN:
I’ll get the bed ready. What’s he on about? Must be hallucinating or
something….looking after the pub. The very thought of it!
ACT3:
Girls in flat: discussing Daz and Shaz going on holiday.
JENNY:
Oh, can’t believe how lucky they are to be going on holiday. I’d love a holiday
me. Somewhere with lots of boutique markets or 5th Avenue , Manhattan
SUZIE:
Don’t be fooled. All is not as it appears. Not that lucky, at all, I reckon.
Shazza’s gone nutty as a fruitcake.
CATHERINE:
(dreamily) Do fruitcakes have nuts in them? ‘Cos nuts aren’t fruit
really, are they? Aren’t they pulses or something? Mind you, tomatoes are
fruits and you sometimes think they’re vegetables but they’re not ‘cos they’ve
got lots of wee seeds that spurt everywhere when you bite them. I suppose if
you did have a fruitcake with nuts in it, it would be nutty.
SUZIE:
Catherine, could you be quiet? You’re rambling on. We’re trying to have a
serious girly gossipy chat about Shaz and Daz. We’re not interested in fruit
cakes.
CATHERINE:
You started it!
JENNY:
So, I heard Shaz has gone all posh. Insists on being called Sharon
SUZIE:
Oooooh and I heard that she’s stopped battering Daz. He’s not been near a casualty
ward for over a month now, poor lamb.
JENNY:
Deary me, and what about the dear old police? They’ll be bored senseless
without any Friday and Saturday night domestics in the pub.
SUZIE:
Yes. Definitely a problem there. Have you heard anything, Catherine?
CATHERINE:
Oh, no just a thought though.
JENNY:
Well, go on, out with it!
CATHERINE:
You’d never put a tomato in a fruit cake, would you? A tomato fruit cake would
be nice, I reckon. Much better than a nutty one, anyway.
ACT
4: JOES CAFÉ:
Boys
round to sober Ally up further. Explains the job.
JOE:
Ally a. Drink a dis a. It a cure your a sore head of a hang under a.
ALLY:
Och no more coffee. Ahm telling you boysh, ahm fine. Ahm fine. Who wantsh to go
for a pint. On the hooosh!! Ha ha. On the hooosh!
(clonks bar
keys on table. Ian and Jas shake their heads ruefully.)
Jhoe
my old pal. Do you fancy a wee shwally?
JOE:
No a. A have a da busy ness to run a. What are the keys a? Are they for a da
prison a?
IAN:
(hastily) Never you mind, Joe. We’re trying to have a private
conversation here!
JOE
(moving to behind counter.) All right a. A all right a. A know a when a
not a wanted a. Eh enjoy a da coffee eh a . Relax a.
IAN:
(turning to Ally): Right, for the third time, tell me again.
ALLY:
Tell you what, my besht friend? You are a good man. A good man. Ah knew it when
ah fursht met ye. Ah good man. You ash well, Jashon mate. Top ladsh. You’re
both brilliant. Way down upon the shwaneee river far far…
JAS:
In my limited understanding of such matters, being one not to imbibe more than
8 pints and four double whiskies on a celebratory occasion, may I be so bold as
to suggest that Ally is somewhat drunken?
IAN:
Aye he’s got more steam than George Stevenson and the Cutty Sark put together.
JAS:
I think you’ll find the Cutty Sark was a sailing boat, not a steam powered
vessel. You could alternatively have made reference to the Queen Elizabeth the
second, otherwise known as the QE2, or indeed the SS Great Britain, in which
case you’re little ditty would have been mildly humorous.
IAN:
Just shut it. Anyway, I was saying, Ally.
ALLY:
Yesh ma man. I am all ears. Ears n beers. Chust call me Goldilocksh and the
three beers. Ho ho ho. Or Ginger locksh and the three beers. Ho ho ho.
IAN:
For the last time. (deep breath) Is
it true or is it not true that from tomorrow evening Mr Dazza Macdazza of the
Shaz bar, has handed you management of the Shaz bar for the coming week, whilst
they are out of the country on a dirty big holiday. Within the scope of this
scenario and in your capacity of Landlord elect, have you or have you not been
told that you are able to help yourself to bevvy from behind the bar, within
reason?
ALLY:
Aye, let me think a minute. (Burps loudly
and grins.) Aye.
IAN:
(standing up and booming voice) Clearly
this will not be possible. I must stand up as a man and be counted for the sake
of dear Ally, for the sake of the general public and for the sake of the Shaz
bar.
JAS:
What are you talking about?
IAN:
This is too large a task for one man.
JAS:
I don’t see your point my old red-head plotting and scheming friend.
IAN:
I will stand, despite my many other duties in this community, as assistant
manager, during this difficult time.
JAS:
You what?
IAN:
In other words. Ahm having a week off from the shop and working in the pub with
Ally. Well I can’t very well leave him to it, can I? Look at the state of him.
JAS:
What about me? I’d make a fantastic landlord as I’ve often felt a calling
towards hostelry management with my perception of customer needs, a firm but
friendly manner and a keen business acumen.
IAN:
Ha ha ha – don’t make me laugh. You couldn’t manage a fart in a paper cup. No
no no, deary me. You man the pumps at World of Wood. While I, my friend…will
man the pumps at the Shaz bar! Fair enough, eh!
JAS:
hmmmm.
ALLY:
Shounds like a deal! (then slumps on
table).
IAN:
(beaming) err… and you did say one
could help oneself to drink behind the bar, within reason? Errr just as a point
of interest you know?
ALLY:
(Weakly raising head.) Correctch.
Joe looking on attentively – he’s been listening.
Ian catches his eye. Joe frantically pretends to wipe down adjacent table.
ACT 5: Next
morning in pub. Shaz and Daz looking at books: dressed with Sunglasses,
sandals, holiday garb and suitcases at their feet.
DAZ SHOWS they can go on holiday as they’re making a
mint. (will show loss on return from hol final scene) All sweet as pie.
DAZ:
Yes, my darling man, ah mean Shazza man, a mean Sharon Sharon
SHAZ:
You’re doing a great job, Darren. Really you are.
DAZ:
But don’t you want to look, man? Just to check like, Shazza, Sharon Sharon
SHAZ:
Darren, I trust you completely and wholeheartedly. I know my clever husband
wouldn’t arrange a holiday if we weren’t in good financial shape. I love you
darling. You may embrace me.
DAZ:
Well if you’re sure, eh Sharon
SHAZ:
I’m totally sure, Darren.
DAZ:
Way aye man ah don’t mind if ah do.
Ally
bursts in to take over, full of self-importance.
ALLY:
Hey, you two love birds put each other down and get your tongues back where
they belong. This is a respectable establishment I’ll be running here.
SHAZ (embarrassed) Oh, we were just about
to get off.
ALLY:
So, I see. Save it for the holiday. Right, on your way.
DAZ
(can’t believe his luck) Thanks, Ally man. Ah owe ye big time, man. I’ll
make it up to ye, promise.
ALLY:
No, no, no, not at all (licks his lips looking round bar) no thanks will
be necessary. Just the honour of working
in such a fine, well stocked (cough, cough) ahem establishment is thanks
enough. Now adios amigos! You two are barred!
Shaz
and Daz skip happily off out the pub leaving a glowing Ally behind the bar. Humming
to himself and fetching a glass…
Ah’ll
just have a quick pint to check the pumps are working. Might as well empty that
Whisky bottle too- there’s only one dram left in it. Save time later. (holds
glass in the air) here’s a big cheers to me!
ACT
6: Lunchtime: girls in Joe’s café: Joe hanging over their table, annoyingly.
SUZIE:
Joe, can you just bugger off and leave us alone? We’re trying to have a quiet
chat here.
JOE:
Ah that is a not a so a nice a Suzie a. A give a you a da coffee a give a you a
da cake free of a charge a.
CATHERINE:
You a charge a us a fortune a more like it a.
JOE:
I was a joking a. A had a my fingers crossed a. Ha a ha a. Suckers a.
JENNY:
Anyway, we’re having an in depth discussion about consumerism in the USA Europe .
JOE:
Ah.
SUZIE:
See, you don’t even know what we’re talking about.
JENNY:
Yep, you don’t know anything apart from how to make coffee!
CATHERINE:
What is consumer gyms by the way? Been meaning to go to aerobics for ages. Can
we go?
JOE:
Ah you girls are a make me a mad. Ah know a lots of things a.
JENNY:
Such as?
JOE:
Ah know where a the best a hand a leather a boots in the world are made a.
JENNY:
You do?! Where?
JOE:
My a auntie Lucinda’s in a the Tuscan a valley.
SUZIE:
That’s rubbish. That’s not important.
JOE:
What you a mean a no important a?
SUZIE:
Gossip. We like gossip. You don’t have any gossip. Just go away.
JOE:
Ah know a something you a girls a don’t know a.
JENNY:
We’re not interested.
JOE:
About a da boys a. A very a big secret a.
CATHERINE:
We know all about Jas having a small tadger. Suzie told us.
JOE:
No it is a not a that. (Pausing.) Does
a Jason have a small a tadger a Suzie a? No a wonder you a need a good a man
like a me a.
SUZIE:
Look, piss off right now or we’re out of here and we’re not coming back. Ever!
And Jason has a massive tadger for your information!
JENNY:
Don’t be so hasty. What is your secret about the boys, Joe?
JOE:
(huffily) Ah ma no a telling a you a!
JENNY:
Please?
CATHERINE:
Pretty please.
JOE:
Ok a tell a you a BUT on a one condition a.
JENNY:
Yes?
JOE:
A that a have a kiss a from a Suzie a.
JENNY:
Deal.
SUZIE:
No way!
JOE:
Ok, I will not a tell you a my a revealing secret a.
CATHERINE:
Oh please, Joe. Love a good secret me. You can kiss me if you like.
JOE:
No! Errrr a no offence a.
SUZIE:
OK tell us.
JOE:
And you a will give me a kiss a?
SUZIE:
Yesssss. So what is it?
JOE:
Here a is a the news a… The boys are a running a pub a for a week a.
CATHERINE,
SUZIE: JENNY: A pub?!!!!
JOE:
Yes a pub a. Now a kiss a!
SUZIE:
Ahhhh…I get it… must be the Shaz bar.
JOE:
Kiss a Suzie a.
SUZIE:
No chance, we’re out of here – emergency meeting in private! at the flat
right now! Taxi! Taxi, take us to Jen’s flat immediately!
JOE:
But a Suzie a. You a promised a!
SUZIE:
I had a my fingers a crossed a , sucker a!
ACT
7: Meanwhile at the pub…First night in pub
ALLY:
(pint in hand and spreading arms aloft)This is great eh?!
IAN:
Aye, ah have to admit, this is the life!
JAS:
I really don’t think it’s wise to be imbibing the profits. After all, when all
is done and considered, this is a business, of the appreciating variety that
Shazza and Dazza are proud proprietors of. I feel it’s entirely inappropriate
to be consuming their hard graft in the form of pints and whiskies in your very
own selfish livers.
ALLY:
Shut it you and have another mineral water.
IAN:
There’s somebody at the door. Did ye hear that?
ALLY:
Aye. But don’t let them in. It’s not opening time yet. We’ve got another hour
to go! Bloody piss-heads. You think they could wait until a reasonable hour.
Drinking at this time of day!
Knock gets heavier.
IAN:
Best get that. In case they break the door. Haud on haud on ahm coming ahm
coming.
Door
opens to reveal Ewan suited and booted and two skin-head heavies.
Ah.
It’s you, Ewan.
EWAN:
Yes a very good afternoon to you Ian Mcweedgie. I have come to audit the books.
Where are the proprietors? Now quickly, as I really don’t have time for this
sort of thing. (Haughtily) I am an
extremely busy business man, you know.
IAN:
Whit de ye mean? There’s nobody of that name here. Shaz and Daz run this place
and their name is Ridley. Us boys are looking after the gaff whilst they’re off
skiving. Who are the bruisers by the way?
EWAN:
These are my associates. My, how best to say this, my hmmm, enforcers. Yes,
enforcers is a good word for them. Lovely chaps. Now out of my way.
Bruisers
knock Ian down and make way for Ewan.
ALLY:
All right Ewan. Would you like a pint of the house special on the house?
EWAN:
I very much doubt the house can afford it.
ALLY:
Afford it? But things are rolling here – as you can see. Why this very morning
Dazza was only saying how great business was.
Grabs
accounts book and pats it.
EWAN:
Let me see that!
puts on specs. Silence whilst Ewan scans the books.
IAN
(nervously): Is it OK? Ha ha.
ALLY:
We’re minted right?
EWAN:
Well yes. I find financial descriptors are all relative.
JAS
(nodding knowledgably): Ah, are you
basing that hypothesis, if I may be so bold in such esteemed company, on the
Harvard and McFlory model of May 1989, describing fluctuations in monetary
expenditures related to population drift in semi-economic climates?
EWAN:
No. I’m saying that unless you business men get me ten thousand pounds
as a minimum debt payment by Saturday then this place gets the kaboosh. Right,
gentlemen?
(steps
back to allow the heavies in – grinning manically at the boys at the prospect of
giving them a doing).
Boys
stare at each other and gulp as Ewan and the heavies depart.
IAN:
In the name of the wee man. What are we going to do? Ten thousand nicker. Ten
thousand nicker.
ALLY:
Oh no, Dazza ‘ll go mad- he’ll blame us as he thinks he’s in the black right
now.
JAS:
hmmm interesting situation one for which I am most utterly grateful that I am
not involved.
IAN:
What do you mean, not involved?. Of course, you’re involved. In fact I’d say
it’s up to you, brains, to get us out of this mess and get the dosheroonie
together by Saturday.
ALLY:
Aye, Ian;’s right. You’re the smart arse. Think of something.
JAS:
Well, I’d run this establishment as a parallel path to a successful ale house.
Monitor the market trends, adapt accordingly and move as a function of time in a
positive direction. Alas, I am not responsible for this fine venue, am I chaps,
so I feel unwilling, neigh, unable to assist at this difficult time.
IAN:
Hold on a minute. Hold on a minute. Are you saying you’re no’ helping as you’re
no’ the boss?
ALLY:
In other words, you are putting your own personal pride, ahead of your mates,
just because you were severely slandered and had the micky taken?
JAS:
Yes. You are indeed correct. My marketing strategy will remain my own private secret.
Good day and good luck to you gentlemen.
IAN:
Hold your horses, This er marketing plan. What is it exactly?
JAS:
Oh in my capacity as an uninvolved party here, I feel I may not divulge such
information.
ALLY:
All right all right. You can run the pub. You OK with that Ian?
IAN:
Aye err a guess so. So what’s this big clever plan then?
JAS:
(Beaming widely) gather round the landlord my friends, gather round the
landlord.
Boys
huddle round together.
ACT 8: Next day: Ian in
public phone box – arranging pole dancers.
IAN:
Aye three sounds brilliant, mate.
RECEPTIONIST:
Most people like to have more like 10 or twenty, you know for dramatic effect.
IAN:
10 or 20?!!!! that’s massive and it would cost a bomb, I’d bet!
RECPTION:
Well, it is traditional you know.
IAN:
Och no, I’d best stick with three.
RECPTIONIST:
Entirely your call, sir.
IAN:
Aye just tell me one more time about their routine.
RECPTIONIST:
OK, sir. Well they’ll be dressed in the manner one would expect.
IAN:
Aye. With the furry boots you said.
RECEPTION:
Yes, sir!
IAN:
Kinky.
RECPTION:
Then they’ll play with their organs.
IAN:
ooooh ah luve it. Do they play with each others?
RECPTIONS.
Err, Hmm sometimes, But usually just their own.
IAN:
They play with their own organs?! Wow.
RECPTION:
Yes, mostly sir.
IAN:
Go on. As the music hots up they go faster and faster and the audience usually
join in, you say.
RECPTIONIST:
Oh yes, it’s very audience participative. Quite common for ten or so people to
get up on stage to help as the climax approaches.
IAN:
Smoking!!!! Oh ah cannae wait and they’re booked in for tonight, 9:30pm sharp at the Shaz Bar?
RECPTION:
Yes sir! I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.
IAN:
Oh aye ahm sure ah will.
Act 9: JAS AND Ally in pub
ALLY:
Can’t believe Ian got the easy job again. Just a discreet phone call and he’s
sorted. Meanwhile muggings here has got to organise a Karaoke night. Ah mean
Karaoke.
JAS:
Do not worry my friend, I am confident the girls will want to help in our hour
of need, especially with your silky smooth charismatic charm.
ALLY:
Are you sure this plan of yours will all work out ok?
JAS:
Yes indeedly doodly. Pole dancers tonight, Karaoke tomorrow and curry night on
Friday. What a line-up of entertainment extravaganza, catering for the needs of
a discrete and demanding clientele, targeting the upwardly mobile, metro sexual
male as well as the young-couple-no-kids demographic. When Shaz and Daz come
back on Sat we’ll have made at least 20,000 of the Queen’s finest. 10,000 will
go to big Ewan and the remainder in the till. We’ll be heroes!
ALLY:
Aye, ah hope so.
JAS:
Right enough of this idle tittle tattle my old China China
ACT 10: Ally at flat with
Jen re Karaoke
JEN: But I don’t know
anything about Karaoke.
ALLY: Yes you do darling.
Remember?
JEN: Remember what?
ALLY: Gary
JEN: Oh yes. I do remember!
That was brilliant.
ALLY: Err yes, although the
audience didn’t quite agree.
JEN: Oh they were quite
receptive.
ALLY: Aye to throwing pints
at you both.
JEN: Still, I don’t see how
I can help you at the pub.
ALLY: I told you. It’s
simple. You just get the Karaoke gear sorted. You know a bit of music and a
video screen. That’s it. I’d help but am rushed off my feet with the boozer.
JEN: Rushed off your feet
with the booze more like! And what gear are you talking about exactly, we don’t
have any.
ALLY: Kissing Jen. You know
something darling. Your problem. You know what your problem is?
JEN: hmm.
ALLY: You worry too much.
Just go and get it –rented stuff is dead cheap these days.
JNE: But where?
Ally: Look, I need to go.
In town somewhere – just get it! Use your imagination, OK? Need it for tomorrow
night!
ACT
11: Pole dancers
Shaz
bar absolutely rammed with punters –mostly young lads all pumped to see pole
dancers.
JAS:
(Excitedly rushing towards the bar) They’ve arrived me ol’ matey’s from
mate land. They’ve arrived. Untoward though it may seem there is something
rather important that I feel I must justifiably say, neigh indeed, point out at
this time and that my learned friends is that I think you’d better go and see
them right now.
IAN:
No no no. There’s no time for that. Ahm too excited. Ah’ll wait till they’re
on. Send them round back and tell them to be on stage in ten minutes before we
have a riot on our hands. Oh and Jas?
JAS:
Really my long known friend with a love for all things in life in general and
with a high appreciation of the female form, I really must insist that you see
them right now….
IAN:
Noh ah cannae wait….Are they hot?
JAS:
They certainly are that. They have ruddy red cheeks and sweating profusely with
all that fur they’re wearing.
IAN:
Oh baby. They sound perfect. Now get them on.
JAS:
But!
IAN:
(aggressively loud voice) I said tell them to get on. Now!!!!
Jas
dashes off.
IAN:
(taking to stage) And now, ladies and gentlemen.
PUNTERS:
Get on with it!
IAN:
And now, ladies and gentlemen, here for the very fist time at the Shaz Bar.
It’s what you’ve been waiting for. It’s what you’ve worked all week to pay for,
at a very fair price of twenty bar a head, it’s…
PUNTERS:
Get them on now!!!!
IAN:
It’s our very own… Shaz bar… Pole dancers! Curtain, please!!!!
Three
rotund red-faced Polish musicians on stage with fur hats and boots on start to
play trumpets and drum with Jas looking flustered at their side.
IAN
looks at Jas in shock….Jas raises hands in a defeated manner. Pints shower
down on the stage and Ian in particular.
IAN:
Wait wait. There’s been a mistake, stop!…. stop!
PUNTERS:
Boooooo wildly and leave. Cries of “ahm no coming back here again!”
IAN:
Well, they are Poles. Any gays in the audience? Any gays? Original Poles fae Poland
ACT
12 : Jenny and Suzie in town. Suzie very angry with boys.
SUZIE:
I can’t believe the bloody cheek of them. First they ask you to go and rent
some Karaoke stuff then they have the nerve to put on some sexy Pole dancers.
Heard it was a riot last night in there. Bet they made a blooming fortune.
JEN:
Yes, it’s not really the boys style I would say, even if the dancers were very
hot.
SUZIE:
Yep. Let’s teach them a lesson. Help them spend last nights profits!!!!
JEN:
Yeah good idea!
SUZIE:
(spying very hi-tec sounds shop) Let’s just pop in here a mo.
ASSISTANT:
Ah ladies, can I help you at all?
JEN:
Er hmm yes I think so, Suzie?
SUZIE:
Yes, we’re after your very best state of the art Karaoke equipment.
ASSISTANT:
Certainly, madam. Is that for rental or purchase?
SUZIE:
Purchase.
JENNY:
But they only want it one night. Ally said to rent.
SUZIE:
They can afford to purchase.
ASSISTANT:
Excellent, if you’re sure.
SUZIE:
Oh yes, we’re sure all right. Just give me your best. Oh, I’ll need a DJ too.
Someone really good.
Act
13: Curry night in Shaz bar
Joe
laden with trays of curry heading for Shaz bar kitchen.
JOE:
Do not a worry a lads a you will a have a great a success a with a Joe’s
authentic a Indian curry a cuisine a.
ALLY:
How it can it be authentic if an Italian made it in Glasgow
JOE:
A you a always too much a think of a the details a. My own a fair a hands a
made a this curry a. The punters a will be loving it a.
IAN:
They bloody better do mate as there’s no-one here yet.
JAS:
Yes, and it’s gone 8:00pm on a Saturday night as well when one would be looking
to see an increased number in clientele over the weeks offerings. Indeed, in
most societies Saturday night is considered the peak of the entertainment
industries trade.
ALLY:
Here’ let’s have a taste of that mate. I’m Hank marvin.
Ally
takes a forkful of curry and a bite of tandoori bread. Others watching on
expectantly. Rising he declares: My goodness that’s tremendous, Joe. Absolutely
amazing. I didn’t think ye’d have it in you. That naan bread is awesome.
JOE:
Ah it is a easy for me a with the Tandoori oven a.
IAN:
What are you doing with a tandoori oven? Last I knew coffee was made in a
kettle.
JOE:
I invest in an oven for you boys a. No problem a. You do not need to a pay me a
till tonight a.
JAS:
A tandoori oven can be a tad on the expensive side my greasy little café owner,
especially taking installation costs and fuel usage into account.
JOE:
Do not a worry a. It only a cost a ten thousand pounds a. A got a good discount
a.
ALLY:
Ten thousand pounds!!!! Are you nuts? We could have had 200 take-aways from
Sandhu’s for cheaper than that!
JOE:
It’ll be OK you just a charge a the customer twenty pound a head a for the food
a and get them to drink a lots of a beer a.
IAN:
Yeah, maybe. Bit quiet though, eh? What time is it now, Jas?
JAS:
It is approximately 8:07pm
and thirty four seconds. Casting my eyes around this fine establishment it
would appear to my tiny mind that there is no-one here this evening save the
two pensioners in the coroner who are drinking tap water – oh and one of them
has just dosed off.
Two hours later. No-one in the pub. Lads slumped at
the bar with Joe. All stuffed having eaten five plates of curry each.
IAN:
Looks like nobody’s coming then.
JOE:
A might as well a finish eating off the curry a.
ALLY:
Are you kidding? I’ve already had six vindaloos, four naan breads and three
chicken tikka massallas.
IAN:
Aye me too. Ahm stuffed. Let’s give it to the old crusties.
ALLY:
Forget them They’re both out cold now. Ian’s right, no-one’s coming at this
time, eh Jas?
JAS:
Vey well observed my most learned friend. I do believe the Pole dancing event
has left our regular clientele somewhat dismayed and in turn, with due
consideration, have elected to take their trade elsewhere. Anyway, do not fear,
tomorrow will be a roaring success with our Karaoke. That, my friends, will be
a sure fired winner.
IAN:
Aye Rock the Kasbah, baby.
ALLY:
More like rock the Shaz ba’ you mean.
All
laugh and clink glasses.
IAN:
Right, it’s my round. Here’s to us!
Act
14: Karaoke night
Absolutely top notch equipment with DJ – no punters
there apart from three business men at a table, the girls and lads (including
Joe).
DJ:
Well, good evening folks! My name is DJ filthy. Filthy by name, filthy by
nature. Some of you good looking chicks want some filth, I’m your man. Let’s
get filthy!!!! Pumps up the sounds.
IAN:
(shouting to stage) What chicks?
There’s none here. Only our burds.
CATHERINE:
Hitting Ian with her handbag: What do you mean, we’re the chicks! That
filthy man looks quite nice really.
DJ:
Right, let’s get someone up for a sing-song! Let’s get it moving! C’mon now. I
say c’mon! How about you tasty chicks?
IAN:
Ooot ma way. Ah’ll do it. Gie us some Frankie boy Sinatra.
Ian up on stage smattering of applause from lads and
girls. Giving it large.
IAN:
Start spreading the noooooooows ahm coming tae tooooooooooooon….
Three business men walk out.
JAS:
Just nipping to the toilet- nature calls rather urgently and needs must in this
challenging time.
ALLY:
Aye me too. Think I’ll be a while. All that curry, you know.
Ian
hams it up “ New Yuuuuuuuuuuurk New Yuuuuuuuuuuuuurk!!!!” then
takes a bow. Complete silence.
DJ:
Well, er what can I say? That was filthy. Let’s hear it for Frankie!
Silence.
DJ:
Wooo wooo. Woooo.
Looks at his watch. Then looks round the bar.
Right folks, well it’s been a great night! You guys are the best! I’m DJ
filthy. Available for weddings, bar mitzahs, birthdays and christenings,
funerals and general good old fashioned piss ups! Filthy by name, filthy by
nature! Stay filthy now, Ciao baby! Disappears
back stage.
CATHERINE:
Awww. He’s gone already. He was lovely.
SUZIE:
Yes, a real bargain too – only three grand for the night.
ACT
15: Next morning: Taxi Shaz and Daz on there way back all loved up in Hawaiian
shirts etc
SHAZ:
Aww that was the best holiday ever my lovely Darren.
DAZ:
That’s perfectly my pleasure my little sweet pea of sugar ness.
SHAZ:
It’s nice to be back as well in our lovely little love nest.
DAZ:
Oh how right you are my guiding light and sunshine in my heart.
SHAZ:
Yes, it’ll be so nice to open our own little Tea Shop and sell that nasty pub.
DAZ:
Of course it will, my breath of fresh air and lighthouse in a stormy sea. With
business so good, we’ll happily sell up and move to our love nest in Devon .
SHAZ:
Oh and can we sell buttered scones with lashings of fresh dairy cream?
DAZ:
Yes, you know I promised whatever your heart desires my delicate butterfly
winged bundle of love.
SHAZ: Ah look, there’s our dreadful Shaz bar
just coming up now. How completely common.
DAZ:
Still, it’s allowed us to prepare for our new life.
SHAZ:
(Squeezing Dazza’s hand ) Oh, you’re so clever. I’m so lucky.
Taxi
pulls up outside bar.
DAZ:
Looks like someone is moving some furniture.
SHAZ:Oh,
we will be soon.
DAZ:
Hold on a minute, that looks like our sofa.
SHAZ:Oh,
and that looks like my dressing table mirror.
Act
16: Last scene: Bailiffs moving
stuff out as Shaz and Daz return.
ALLY:
But Ewan, be reasonable, man! We can give you all last nights takings. Wait
wait. Here here, take all of last nights takings!
EWAN:
Ha ha ha last nights takings. Last nights takings?! You must be joking!
ALLY:
No I’m serious empty the till empty the till. Take that!
EWAN:
I already have.
ALLY:
What?
EWAN:
I hardly think that 5 pounds thirty three pence is sufficient for a debt of ten
thousand pounds, do you?
JAS:
If I may be so bold, I would concur. Although, from an alternative perspective,
one could consider a culture where less is actually more. E.g. take expresso
coffee, worldy regarded as a very tasty and delicious beverage. In comparison
to an Americanised café grande, which as its name implies, is a rather larger
drink, actually is proven to have a less satisfying taste.
EWAN:
You boys make me laugh. Move the stuff out crew and get that Karaoke equipment
too!
IAN:
You’re a bastard! Shaz n Daz ‘ll kill us!
EWAN:
I hardly think that’s my problem.
Just
then Joe appears angry and looking for his money.
JOE:
I a wanna my a money now a lads a for the oven a . A have a business to a run
a.
EWAN:
Join the queue.
Shaz
and Daz enter.
SHAZ:
My goodness golly gracious me. What is going on here?
ALLY:
Errr. Just rearranging some furniture.
DAZ:
Ewan, what are you doing here? I paid the last quarters bill three weeks ago.
EWAN:
I think you’ll find Mr Dazza that that was 3 years ago not 3 weeks! I’m here to
reclaim some of what is rightfully mine! If you don’t believe me, look at the
books, signed with your own fair hands. You owe me 30, 000 pounds.
DAZ:
Bollox. I mean I don’t believe you. Let me see.
(Repeats out) Pole
dancers: 8,000 pounds? Pole dancers?.
IAN:
(Looking sheepish) Eh entertainment night.
DAZ:
Tandoori oven? Tandoori oven? I don’t have a Tandoori oven! Ten thousand
pounds?!!!!
JOE:(Smiling
widely) Yes, a got a good a price a. .
DAZ:
DJ and equipment: 20, 000! 20, 000!
ALLY:
Err, Jenny sorted that one. It was a great night – shame you missed it. You
would’ve loved it..
Daz
looks to Shaz realising he’s messed up.
SHAZ:
Sweet petal.
DAZ:
Yes, my lover?
SHAZ
(Picks up plate and smashes it over his head)
You
useless piece of turd that ye are man. Ah knew ye were useless man. Take that.
DAZ:
Ouch, Shazza man! Ouch, that was sore, man!
SHAZ:
Aye, good and take that, man!
DAZ:
Ahhhh help me lads! Ally, it’s all your fault man!
ALLY:
Don’t look at me. I was doing you a favour. Anyway Jas is landlord, not me!
Shaz
continues to assault Daz.
ALLY:
(Turning to Ian) Well mate, look at the bright side.
IAN:
Bright side? What bright side?
ALLY:
Well, Dazza wanted his old Shazza back.
IAN:
Aye, fair enough, and looks like he’s got it! Let’s have one more on the house.
Ally,
Ian and Jas raise their glasses whilst Shaz chases Daz around pub hitting and
shouting at him.
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