Boys
in the wood
Episode
2
Grand
Opening
CAST
LIST
ALLY
IAN
JASON
JENNY
CATHERINE
SUSAN
JOE
SHAZ
DAZ
EWAN
OLD
MAN
GRANNY
POLICEMAN
BUILDER
SCENE
1. Opening day: Morning
Boys
frantically trying to assemble furniture and put labels on it in preparation
for opening in two hours time.
ALLY (to Ian): Are you sure “Fuckupal” means chest of drawers in Gaelic.
IAN: Aye, of course it
does.
ALLY: How would you know?
IAN: Wee Doddsy doon the
boozer told me.
ALLY: Wee Doddsy? He
doesn’t know what day it is let alone what a chest of drawers are.
IAN: He’s a Teuchtar, of
course he knows.
ALLY: Teuchtar my arse,
he’s from Paisley .
IAN (doubtfully): Well Dazza told me he was a Teuchtar and tae ask him.
And when ah asked for the name of the drawers he said “Fuckupal.” All right!
Anyway, it’s stuck on noo and Ah’m no’ taking it off.
JASON: As a point of
interest only chaps, as I agree with Ian’s observation regarding irreversible
label adhesion, “Fuckupal” sounds a lot more Anglo Saxon in nature than Gaelic.
Indeed, 99% of the English language is a hybridisation of German, French,
Italian and Latin. It’s very rare to find a country which stands uniquely in
its own form of expression. The Welsh and Cornish are exemplary in this respect
but then…
IAN & ALLY (together): Shut it you.
JASON: Seriously chaps, do
you think we’ll make any money out of this wee venture? Just that I’d like to
take Sooozin on a holiday and buy a matching pair of cagoules from Millets.
ALLY (to both): Listen mates. Gather round and listen. (Ian and Jason listen intently) We are
going to be minted off our hairy wee faces. Repeat after me, we are going to be
minted. We are going to be minted.
ALL: (slowly at first) We are going to be minted. We are going to be
minted. (Then faster until flat out chanting)
We are going to be minted.
Frenzied
work continues whilst they chant.
SCENE
2 : Girls in flat dolling up in skimpy outfits to help attract business for the
shop. Shazza brought in to boost numbers.
CATHERINE: Are you sure
this looks all right? I don’t really think it’s me.
SUZIE: Don’t worry, you
look great. I’ll do your make-up in a mo.
JENNY: Pass me that other
bottle of Champers, will you Shaz? The first one’s gone right to my head.
SHAZZA: Nae bother Jenny
man, it’ll do ya good to have a right bucketful. We’ll have breakfast in a
minute then some beers before we go. Fancy a right big fry up me wi’ stottie
cakes. Dazza man just made me a light breakfast this morning. One o’ the
healthy ones cos ah were in a rush, like.
SUZIE: Oh, like muesli?
SHAZZA: Nah. Full Geordie
fry up but wi’ no black pudding.
CATHERINE: We’d better not
drink too much or we won’t remember the routine. Suzie could you just do me up
at the back?
(fabric
strains and all four girls are now dressed in cheerleader outfits)
JENNY: Yes we will, it’s
easy. Let’s do one more run through. Slap it on Shaz.
Shaz
hits the tape player and backing track for “Hey Mickey” comes on at full
volume.
ALL (dancing; Jenny, Shaz and Suzie co-ordinated; Catherine not got a clue desperately
trying to follow) Hey Woody you’re so fine you’re so fine you blow my mind
hey Woody. Hey Woody!
Loud
banging on the floor.
SUZIE: Oh no, that’ll be
wee Mr Robertson, complaining. Turn it down, Jenny.
SHAZZA: D’ya want me to
have a word with him, Soozie man?
SUZIE: No! don’t worry,
it’ll be fine.
SHAZZA: Ah can get Dazza
man roond if ye need.
CATHERINE (interrupting): I still don’t see how
this will help the boys.
JENNY: It’s simple. The
shop’s trying to appeal to men who can’t be arsed to self assemble flat packed
furniture.
CATHERINE: Yes. So, what?
SUZIE: What’s the easiest
way to pull men into a shop?
CATHERINE: Apologise and
say you’ll be as quick as possible?
SUZIE (gives Catherine a superior look) I don’t think so.
CATHERINE (brightly): Have Top Gear on the telly?
JENNY: No no no no no.
SUZIE: It’s these they want
(pointing to her chest). Big bouncy
mamas.
JENNY: And that’s what
we’ve got.
Jenny
and Suzie do a booby wobble dance in front of Catherine then burst out
laughing. Shazza cracks a can of stout.
CATHERINE. Oh. I see. I’m
just not sure about the whole thing.
JENNY: Don’t worry, just
have another glass of champers and you’ll be fine. You’ll love it.
Jenny
pours Catherine a large glass and all four clink their drinks.
SCENE
3: Opening time at World of Wood
Crowd
of people on pavement gathered round –to look at the girls – who are very
pissed, with make-up gone skewy. Shazza in charge of sounds.
ALLY (excitedly from inside shop): Look! There’s loads of punters
gathered outside!
IAN: Ah knew it. Ah knew
we’d be mega.
All
three rush outside to greet the masses.
IAN: (preparing to address crowd) Welcome…(then sees girls doing dance routine)…In the name of the wee man.
CATHERINE: (Centre stage): Hey Woody, Hey Woody!
Crowd
go bananas.
CATHERINE: Would anyone like
some more?
CROWD: Yeah! More! More! More!
CATHERINE: I said… would
anyone like some MORE?!
CROWD: YEAH!!!!
JENNY: You might know this
one.
Dancing
Queen, Abba.
Shazza presses the wrong
button and Little Bo Peep comes on instead.
Boys
retreat to shop and slam the door.
Shazza
spills beer over sound system and fizzles out..
Punters
all depart.
Ally
rushes out but they’ve all scarpered..
ALLY: Come back! Come back!
(Chases after old man.)
OLD MAN: Yer wasting yer
time. Yer stuff is crap.
ALLY: Whit do you mean, er,
sir?
OLD MAN: Ah prefer yon limited
edition mahogany tables wi Tiffany lamps than any o’ your crap.
ALLY: What?!
OLD MAN: Yer stuff is crap.
ALLY (deflated) You’ll see. You’ll see. You old guffer ye. We had massive
crowds here this morning.
OLD MAN: They were only
here to see the totty. Ye’re better off selling them! Ha Ha Ha.
As
he walks off Ally gives the old boy the Vicky and turns back to the shop.
SCENE
4: In the shop
Boys
idly sitting round a display kitchen table, looking sorry for themselves.
IAN: Aye, well we’re daeing
a roaring trade so far. (sarcastically,
putting on posh accent) Ki-ching! Whit wiz that. Oh that was the till.
Another sale made. I do believe that’s the eightieth this morning. Zipeety do
dah! I say isn’t business booming?!
ALLY: Look, these things
take time. Rome
JASON: Actually that well
loved myth is often quoted but is barely true. The foundation planning, call it
architectural design if you will, for the central Roman Empire ,
was pretty much mapped out by Brutus within a day. Implementing those plans and
the huge construction thereafter would have been impossible within a day even
with the help of twenty first century technology.
ALLY (ignoring Jas): It’s all about the punters. All about the punters.
How do we get them in?
JAS: Offer a sale?
IAN: Aye a closing doon
one!!!!
JAS: No, merely a wee
tempter for them. Opening day extravaganza. 20% off everything. Something like
that. Buy one set of curtains get another half price. Do you like my wares madam?
It’s a pleasure to serve you. Do come again.
ALLY: We don’t sell
curtains.
JAS: Yep, good point matey.
Well made. Like that. Always on the ball. Up here for thinking (pointing to head) down there (pointing to feet) for dancing.
ALLY: This is serious –
what are going to do? Ewan and the bank manager will be up our botties soon.
Not to mention the girls.
IAN: It was your bright
idea to do all this furniture stuff so you sort it out!
ALLY: Och away and boil yer
heids – the pair of you. You’re both useless. I’m away out.
JAS: Where are you going,
we’ve go a serious business to run here. You can’t just leave us!
ALLY: Up yours. I’m off.
I’ll be back later. Mind you, make some sales now.
SCENE
5: Joes café
JOE (Bringing mug of tea over): Ally a what a is a da matter a?
ALLY: Och, nothing mate.
Just leave me alone, ok?
JOE (taking a seat): Da business a can be a tricky business a. Like a
naked a woman a it takes a time a how a you say a to a warm a the kettle a. Buy
a da Ferrari roche, the channel ferry a number five a and a wee a bag a chips a
then a she is all a yours a. (Loses
himself in a lusty thought). How a is a Suzie a by a the way a?
ALLY: Aye, she’s fine,
she’s fine. Mind you, she’ll be on our case if we don’t get a sale… and pronto.
JOE: Relax a Ally a. Drink
a da tea a. Here is a little helper a. Medicinal a (pours a healthy slug of spirits from a hipflask into his tea) A
success a in a business a takes a time a. Look a at a me a. This a café a took
a years a to build a.
Joe
waves his arms around proudly, sweeping the café. There are only two other
customers.
ALLY: Aye, right mate. If I
need 100 best tips to pack out a café I’ll come to you.
JOE (proudly beating chest): That’s a right a. Any time a just ask a Joe
a.
ALLY: (takes a swig of tea, spluttering) What the hell is that?
JOE (offended) Dat a is a Italiano lunar a juice a . Old a recipe a.
ALLY: More like cat piss.
That’s rank. Thing is Joe. To be honest mate, I just don’t know if I’m up to the
job. It’s just not my bag, do you know what I mean? The boys and Jenny are
depending on me. Not only that but Suzie and Catherine. It’s too much I cannae
dae it. Everywhere I turn there’s a problem. Even the old boy up the road there
was taking the mickey. Ah mean what a daft idea. A furniture shop based in the West End trying to compete with Ikea. Stupid it is.
Stupid. I’m useless. I’m gonnae pack it in.
JOE: What is all a this a talk
a. You will be as a great big profit a like a Mohammad a.
ALLY: What? Mohammed the
head of the Muslim religion?
JOE: No a Mohammed who a runs
a the video shop a two a doors down a.
ALLY: Aye, right mate.
JOE: Ally a, you will be as
a big a success a like Scotland
ALLY: That’s what I’m
worried about mate.
JOE: Don’t a get funny a
with me a. Joey Jordan a eat a da grassa, Kenneth a Dalglish a, Gramms of a
Souness a.
ALLY: More like Ally Macleod,
mate.
JOE (continuing) Dave a Narey half time a Scotland Brazil
ALLY: Now you’re talking. That
was some goal, eh?
JOE: Archie Gemmill beat a
one a beat a two a beat a three a… goal a! He didn’t give up a.
ALLY (inspired): Joe, you’re right. If Archie Gemmill could do it against
those edam
Gives
him a big Italian man kiss and rushes out.
SCENE
6 : Girls back at flat – comatose on sofa. Shazza just woken up.
SHAZZA: Wake up man, it’s
the afternoon man. (cracks open a tinnie).
Ahm starving man.
JENNY: Euurgh. Feel rough.
I’ve got a headache.
CATHERINE (wakes up briefly and sits up ): Hey
woody. Hey woody! Then conks out again.
SHAZZA: Ah’ll just put on a
fry up. Anyone for a vodka bull? You’ll be right as rain after three o’ them.
Always works for me.
JENNY: Oh no. Not for me.
SUZIE: Deffo not for me.
SHAZZA: Great man ah’ll
just knock up a few then. Three voddy bull coming right up, man! All get some
scran ready too. Ahm starving. Where’s yer frying pan Suzie man.
Suzie
points a weary finger to kitchen cupboard then falls asleep. Jenny joins her
moments later.
SHAZZA (from kitchen): Ye cannae beat a fry up
man. Yer Auntie Shaz’ll sort us oot. Ah’ll just sit doon and tan ma tinnie
whilst ahm making it like. No going to sleep in there mind.
Shaz
falls asleep at the kitchen table; frying pan goes up in flames. She snores on.
Other girls conked out in the living room.
SCENE
7 Back in shop: lunch-time.
Ian
and Jas dress in chefs outfits resplendent with hats, clearly been very busy
cooking…
ALLY (Loudly): What is going on here? What are you boys doing? You’re
supposed to be working.
IAN: Showing some
initiative, boss.
ALLY: What do you mean?
IAN: (Rubbing cake crumbs from his mouth) We’re catering fur oor
clientele. Providing sustenance.
ALLY: What clientele?
There’s no-one here. And what sustenance are you talking about exactly? Yum
yums from the bakers by the look of it?
JASON: No, the yum yums
were merely a brief diversion from the frantic cooking of meats, eggs and carbohydrate.
ALLY: Come again?
IAN: We’re making bloody
big massive fry ups.
ALLY: How many exactly?
IAN: Well, you know how we
went to Las Vegas
ALLY: Aye.
IAN: And you said the
breakfast buffet was immense. You know wi all the sausage, hash browns, eggs
and waffles and bacon and…
ALLY: Yes. I get your point.
Are you saying you’ve done a Las Vegas
IAN: No, no, no, not at
all. (Turning to Jas) We’ve no’ done
that much, huv we Jas?
JAS: No. You speak the
truth my ginger topped friend. Taking clientele to sausage ratio as a guiding
factor, We have made significantly more than a typical Las Vegas
ALLY (pushing past into kitchen). What!!!!!!
Whole
place is covered in fry ups. Enough to feed ten thousand.
IAN: Something wrong boss?
Thought ye’d like it.
ALLY: Like it? Like it? Are
you mad?
JAS: Hmm. Good possibility
of that matey.
Ally: How much did all that
cost?
IAN (winking): No’ too bad. I bartered them down. It really was
tremendous value. See yer old da here always sorts ye oot.
ALLY: How much, Ian?
IAN: About two hundred
nicker.
ALLY: Arrrrrrgh.
JAS: We did get twenty
pence off petrol and free carrier bags. Could be handy that, carrier bags.
Plastic they are. Good for carrying things in. Got Irn bru too. Made from
girders.
Ally
slumps down on table, head in hands. It collapses immediately.
IAN: Errr, Ally, err mate,
watch oot wi that table mate ah huvnae quite finished it yet. It’s goat a few
screws loose.
ALLY: (Dusting himself down.) Aye, it’s no’ the only one.
SCENE
8 Shop: First customers.
Ally
gone to pub in disgust. Ian and Jas left to man the shop.
BUILDER: Ur
IAN (ushering builder in): Aye, of course we are ma man. This is a
professional establishment. Sitez vous downez herez ma man and our garcon will
be wi ye in nae time. (Towards kitchen)
Garcon, Garcon (silence then shouting)
Jas! that’s you mate – c’mere!
Jas
rushes out- note pad at the ready.
BUILDER: Ah’ll hae a full Scottish
wi a mug o’ tea.
JAS: Might I interest you
in today’s specials sir?
BUILDER. Noh, ye cannae.
JAS: We’ve got some
delicious starters followed by hot and tasty entrees and mouth watering
desserts with a cheese board to follow.
BUILDER: Just gie me the
full Scottish, awright pal.
JAS: Our appetizers, and
indeed main courses, are all freshly prepared on these very premises with
nothing but the freshest of ingredients, embracing the five common food groups
thereby providing a healthy, nutritious and satisfying lunching experience for
the hard working man, such as yourself sir.
BUILDER: Just gie us a full
Scottish right now or do you see this fist?
JAS (leaning over to inspect) : I do believe I do sir. I have minor
astigmatism in my left eye but I can, for all intents and purposes, see your
fist.
BUILDER: Good. Cos it’ll
hand craft yer face intae a side-board if ye don’t get ma lunch right noo.
IAN: Sir, Sir I do
apologise on behalf of my lowly assistant. He is new to these parts. Comes from
southern climes.
BUILDER: Whit, ye mean he’s
a…a…a…Sassenach? (Getting up to go.)
Right ahm leaving.
IAN: Sir, in todays
multi-cultural environment, we embrace the offerings that the English can
provide us in the same way that Mexicans can America
BUILDER: Aye maybe.(sits
back down)
IAN: Now if you’ll excuse
me I have a customer to attend to.
Old
Granny enters the shop.
IAN: Hello madam. Can ah
help ye dear?
GRANNY: Aye hello son. Whit
did ye say?
IAN: A said can ah help ye
madam? Chest of drawers are ye after? Or maybe some shelving for the bedroom.
We’ve got a magic wee foldaway table for ye. Right handy. Just imagine. Yer oan
yer commode and ye want tae write a letter to yer wee grandson in New Zealand
GRANNY: Aye, right ye are
son.
IAN: Or maybe it’s a lamp
yer after luv. We’ve got some nice ones ower here. Haud ma arm and put yer stick
doon over there.
GRANNY: Thank ye son. It’s
no exactly what I’m looking for though, son.
IAN: Don’t you worry madam.
Just you have a wee look round. There’s plenty more round to the left there.
And we’ve a catalogue her on the computer. Anything we’ve no goat we’ll get ye
within 24 hours.
GRANNY: Noh, ah don’t need
flowers son.
IAN: No’ flowers love, hours. 24 hours, pet.
GRANNY: Aye, ah see.
IAN: Look through the
catalogue and just rest yer legs ower here and ahll get ye a wee cup o tea.
GRANNY: That’d be lovely
son. Ahd kill for a cake as well.
Two
hours later. Granny has had four cups of tea and five cakes.
GRANNY: Right ahd better be
off, son.
IAN: Oh did ye order on
line, dear?
GRANNY: Whit de ye mean son?
Ah don’t dae any fishing.
IAN: Did ye order the lamp
or the wee table from the computer, love? The computer.
GRANNY: Och no son. You
didnae huv whit ah wanted.
IAN: Aye we huv. We’ve got
everything. And if we’ve no we’ll get it in 24 hours, remember?
GRANNY: Oh aye. Right ye
are.
IAN: So whit was it ye were
wanting?
GRANNY: Och don’t go tae
any bother. Ah can get it somewhere else.
IAN: Now, now. We will not
be beaten on price. Don’t go anywhere else.
GRANNY: Och if ye insist.
IAN: Aye, ah do.
GRANNY: Well I’d like 200…
IAN: Yes, yes! I knew ye were
minted.
GRANNY: 200 clothes pegs
for ma washing, son. They’re twenty five pence in the supermarket. A right rip
off.
SCENE
9 Ally in boozer for quick pint; Dazza behind bar.
DAZZA: Same again, Ally
man?
ALLY: Aye go on then Dazza.
I need it. This is a tough line of business I’m in I can tell ye.
DAZZA: Away man. What’s
tough about selling bits o’ wood man? Ye should try pulling pints for miserable
gits like you all day.
ALLY: Yer arse. Are you
saying it’s easier to sell art deco furniture with a hint of Fen chui to the
uncultured masses than it is to pull a pint?
DAZZA: Away man – course it
is. And Ahm no just pulling pints. Is that what you think ah do here all day
man? And ah heard yer stuff was crap man, art deco and fen chui more like crap
and tat.
ALLY: Yes. It’s a pub isn’t
it? Excuse me for thinking I was in a mansion in Beverly Hills
DAZZA: A pub ye say. A pub!
Ye daft daither. Thjis is a tabernacle of love, a sanctuary, a place for
soothing the soul and the liver. I’m a healer of mankind, a spiritual calmer, a
welcome ear for lost souls who are alone and despondent in this world man. I am
a mammy, a daddy , a priest and an intercessor for yer sins. If I told ye half
the things I’ve been told ye’d have a hearty.
ALLY: Bollocks. Pulling
pints, that’s it. And yer making a mint.
DAZZA: Yer totally wrong
man. I have to put up wi’ all sorts. Ah get weddings, funerals, christenings,
divorcees, single nights, gay nights, lads wanting a fight and psycho chiCKs.
Mind you, some of them are no’ bad looking. Then there’s the security man.
Shazza man and ah can hardly get tae sleep at night for fear oh getting beaten
robbed and raped. Or worse. We’ve taken to having a bottle of scotch, four
pints and a Malibu
ALLY: But your dad owned
this boozer. You’ve been in here since you were five year old.
DAZZA: Way aye man. That’s
what a mean man.
ALLY: Aye, right. Aye maybe
yer right.
DAZZA: (Draining half his pint from behind the bar.)
Take this afternoon for example man. There’s me trying to have a read of the
paper whilst serving the punters and just having ma fifth pint when the phone
goes. Who is it but Shazza.
Ally: Excuse me while ah
fall off my chair in amazement.
DAZZA: Well she’s screaming
doon the phone at me saying “the flat’s on fire Dazza man. The flats on fire,
Dazza man.” Ah say, is everything all right? You know, sort of concerned like,
like Humprhey Bogart in the Orient Express, man. And she says “no, the bacons
completely frazzed out man” can ah bring round some more.
ALLY: What!! Are you saying
Suzies flat burnt down?!!!!
DAZZA: Aye ah suppose so.
It wisnae too bad though. Just her flat, the one below and the two above. Fire
men contained it rapid man. And the good news is the sausages made it. Anyway
ma point is it’s muggins here that gets phoned.
ALLY: So, let me get this
right. The girls are all right?
DAZZA: Aye man. They’re
coming here in a bit – see what a mean. I’ll be getting even more misery piled
on me.
ALLY: And three flats have
more or less burnt down. Did you say three flats.?
DAZZA: Aye man. Three or
four.
ALLY: And that’s a posh
area that is…
Ally
drains his pint and runs out panicked but on a mission.
DAZZA: Miserable bastard. (shouting) Ah’ll put that on yer tab will
ah ya swine. Might as well get maself another Newcie Brown.
SCENE
10 Shop
Ewan
comes in to inspect business, only Jas there.
EWAN: It seems very quiet
in here, Jason. I’m concerned my investment is not going to offer sufficient
returns.
JAS: Mid afternoon lull. A
well known phenomena in the retail industry. Certain European countries, such
as Spain 6pm to continue their
business.
EWAN. Yes, right. Where are
Ally and Ian?
JAS: Good question.
EWAN: Having a siesta, no
doubt. It is mighty hot today at a balmy 12 oC. The poor fellas will
be positively withering.
JAS: Hmmm.
EWAN: Down the Exchequer
I’ll wager.
Jas
nods.
Suddenly
Ally rushes in. Picks up some things and rushes out again. Shouting as he does
so.
ALLY: Got to dash boys.
Important business deal.
EWAN: Oh aye. I know what
that is. Must be Ian’s round.
SCENE
11 Outside the flats where Suzie lives. Afternoon.
Large
crowd of onlookers and firemen everywhere. The girls are standing together
looking at the flames. People with oxygen masks and blankets being ushered into
ambulances.
ALLY (rushing to Jenny):
Darling, Darling are you all right, pal?
JENNY (shaking): Yes, I think so. Give me a cuddle. There were flames and
the whole place went up in smoke. Next thing I knew we were getting carried
out. I hadn’t even put my make-up on and my hair needed brushing. I must look
awful. Have you got a mirror, Suzie? Hope the papers didn’t get a photo of me.
SUZIE: No, I haven’t. Look
up though. That’s not my flat that’s on fire.
ALLY: No, you’re right, it
isn’t. It’s the other block.
Policeman
comes over to Shazza.
POLICEMAN: Are you, err,
Mrs Mad Shazza man?
SHAZZA: Way aye course ah
am man. But ahm no saying anything without a lawyer man.
POLICEMAN: I understand you
saw the start of the fire first hand?
SHAZZA: Don’t look at me
man ah was just doing a dirty big fry up for the girls man. Next thing ah know the
bacon’s giving it the towering inferno so a throw it oot the window.
POLICEMAN: You threw the
bacon out the window?
SHAZZA: Aye? Ah know it’s criminal
officer. Such a waste o’ good pig that. Ah’d never normally do that, ask anyone,
officer ahm sorry. Maybe it’ll be all right. Gie it a wash under the tap, bit
of tomato sauce and a couple o’ slices o’ bread and it’ll be fine. Please don’t
send me to jail man.
POLICEMAN: Was it just the
bacon you threw out?
SHAZZA: Err no’ exactly
officer man. It was the whole frying pan. Sausages, mushrooms, hash browns,
eggs, beans, black pudding, fried bread and tomatoes man. Ahm ever so upset
man.
POLICEMAN: The whole frying
pan. And it was in flames, right?
SHAZZA: Aye ah suppose so
man but as a say mostly centred around the bacon part man. Ahm getting starving
thinking aboot it.
POLICEMAN: Where did the
frying pan land?
SHAZZA: Well that’s the
lucky thing officer. I was worried it might fall fifty feet and bop someone on
the napper and give them a nasty shock but it didn’t.
POILICEMAN: Oh. Where did
it land exactly?
SHAZZA: It went straight through
the window o’ number 47A across fae Suzies. Perfect landing right on their
living room carpet.
Policeman
takes Shazza off for further questions. Giving up in exasperation he releases
her.
ALLY: Get yer new furniture
here, people!
CATHERINE (rushing over to stop him): What are you
doing?
ALLY: Just trying to do my
wee bit for the community, Catherine. Helping hand, that’s me.
Ally’s
going round the crowd, policemen and ambulances, handing out World of Wood
leaflets.
ALLY: All in stock or we’ll
get it to you in 24 hours. Guaranteed.
Policeman
ushers Ally away protesting; flats continue to burn.
SCENE
12: SHAZ back with Dazza in pub.
Shaz
drinking very large brandy. Daz looking concerned..
SHAZZA: And tae think he was
going tae arrest me man.
DAZZA: Well done Shazza man
for getting out a that wan man. How did ye do it man? Ahd a thought yed get
life. Four flats in blazes an that. Posh area- that’s worth about a million
quid man!
SHAZZA: Aye a was a bit
panicked then ah said tae him. Aye ah recognise you ah said. And he said “Oh
aye what do you mean?” Ah said “Have ah seen ye round before somewhere? He says
“Aye o’ course ye have. I walk this beat every day. Then it came tae me.
DAZZA: What came tae ye Shazza
man? Want another plate o’ chicken drumsticks?
SHAZZA:(chewing on a mouthful): Ah remembered where
ah’d seen him.
DAZZA: Where was that? On
the beat like he says?
SHAZZA: No. On the beat ma
arse. Ah seen him in wee Mos brothel up in Blysthwood. Naked as a baby giving
it large wi’ big Bessy.
DAZZA: Spluttering on beer.
Yer Joking Shazza man. Ah thought Big Bessy would be more fussy than that man.
SHZAA: So ah says tae him.
Ah seen ye and yer tadger in wee Mo’s brothel. He goes all red. Then says. So
whit? Ye’ve nae evidence. Then ah say that’s where yer wrang. All the punters
go on CCTV in case they’re murderers. And tae. Well. tae help the police man.
DAZZA: Good on ye, Shazza
man. Have another plate o’ pizza slices.
SHAZZA: Aye, then he took
off and said he’d drop charges – said it was an act of God. Begged me no to
tell his wife man.
SCENE
13: Suzie at Joe’s cafe.
Late afternoon.
JOE: Suzie a you need a
comforting after such a big a trauma event of a lifetime a. Joe give you some
help a.
SUZIE: Take your mitts of me
right now.
JOE: But a Suzie. Ah can a
make ye feel a better a. Italiano man a knows how a to treat a woman a.
SUZIE: Shut up. I’m not in
the mood. Almost died today. Anyway, Jas would kill you.
JOE: I a have a Ferarri
Roche just for you a Suzie a.
Door
opens and in come Jenny and Catherine. Jenny laden with designer bags.
Catherine staggering behind her under the weight of shopping.
JENNY (Sitting next to Suzie): Gosh, I’m pooped. Hard work shopping. Latte
for Catherine and me please, Joe.
JOE (disappointed at being interrupted): Coming up a.
SUZIE: What’s all this? (pointing to bags).
JENNY: Oh, just thought you
might need some odds and ends for the flat. There’s a great sale on in John
Smiths, isn’t there Catherine? We got a bit carried away, didn’t we?
CATHERINE: Yes we did.
Didn’t you.
JENNY (to Suzie): She’s a terrible
one for the shopping that girl.
CATHERINE: Wonder how the
boys are getting on? Hope it’s not been too tough on them on their first day.
SUZIE: Are you kidding? They’ll
be sitting round the back with a few tinnies watching the footie more than
likely.
JENNY: Only one way to find
out. Let’s go.
SCENE
14: Shop. Boys working hard to be ready for next day.
ALLY: Jas, have you seen
Ian?
JASON: Yes, he was around
here some time ago assembling the Kunt cabinet.
ALLY: That was about an
hour ago. Bet he’s skiving. I’m going to check through the back.
Sounds
of erotic deep breathing. Ally tiptoes on and enters the kitchen area. Ian
watching porno on telly, sensing someone’s there he panics and switches it off.
ALLY: Caught ye ya filthy
beast ye! What exactly was that ye were watching?
IAN: Oh, just the Hibs-Hearts
highlights ma mate gave me – home recording you know, must’ve had some harry
horno on the end of it. Certainly nothing to do with me.
ALLY: (sighting video cassette box behind fridge) “Oh Aye. And I suppose
Sportscene has changed it’s name has it?”
IAN: Whit d’ye mean?
ALLY: (holding up box): “Erika does Stockholm
IAN: (realising he’s defeated) Well it’s no’ ma bloody fault, is it? All
this talk o’ furniture and babes trying out new beds and the gurls having come
roond in their skimpy outfits and everything.
ALLY (relaxing): Suppose it could’ve been worse.
IAN: Aye, yer right, it
could’ve been “Jason does Ikea.”
BOTH: Ha Ha Ha!
IAN: Ah can just see him
there getting pummelled by Sven and Bjorn roond the back in the warehouse.
Would you like to come up to our sauna and look at our latest catalogue? Then.
Get yer chops roond ma meatballs.
JAS (shouting from front of shop) The girls are here!
SCENE
15 Shop. End of day.
IAN: Well it’s been some
day, hasn’t it boys?
ALLY: Aye. Brilliant.
JAS: Toptastic mates.
IAN: Aye it’s really hard
work though int it?
ALLY: Oh aye there’s a lot
of graft. If you think what we did today. See, having yer own business is so
much more satisfying than working for someone else. You don’t notice the time.
Ah mean we built all that furniture. Opened the shop. Made lunches. Sorted out
customers. Marketing for future business and with barely a moment for some
liquid refreshment. The day flew by.
JAS: Yes, you’re right.
Also, I convinced one of our key financial backers that business was sweet as a
nut. Think he was impressed.. Especially when I told him all about our cooking
skills. He couldn’t believe what we’d done.
ALLY: Aye and ah got oor
first sale with wee Granny Murchison.
IAN: Noh ye didnae. AH got
the first sale wi the builder and his lunch.
JAS: Now is not the time
for arguing, debating or dare I say it, bickering, chaps. We have done a solid
days work, the money bag is full and there is a bright future together. Let’s
be grateful.
IAN & ALLY: Aye. fair
enough.
Girls
arrive. All excited.
JENNY: Hello, hello our
business professionals! Who’s a clever bunch of boys then?
Jas,
Ian and Ally bursting wth pride.
IAN: Aye us. We are.
SUZIE: So…We’ve decided
that instead of saving the takings today, we’ll go out and celebrate! We’re so
proud of you boys.
CATHERINE: Sandu’s is
booked for eight.
JENNY: Ok let’s go (turning to cash register). I’ll be
treasurer.
Jenny
opens till to find twenty two pence and an IOU.
Jenny: What!
Suzie
and Catherine gather round to look..
Boys
look on happily, thinking they’re shocked by the high amount of takings.
Ian: Aye, we know, we know.
Don’t say anything. Nae need tae thank us.
JENNY: There’s only twenty
two pence here and an IOU for two hundred quid for grub!
ALLY: Oh, ah.
IAN: Whit do ye mean? We’ve
been rushed aff oor feet all day. Twenty two pence. Bollocks. Let me see.
ALLY: (Hitting Ian on the head.) Its all your fault with that bloody lunch
time menu.
IAN: Ma fault?! How’s it ma
fault? At least ah sold one lunch. Whit did you do all day?
ALLY: Me? Me? Me? Whit did
I do? What did I do? What did I do? Listen mate, I sold 200 items today.
JAS: You mean the packet of
clothes pegs to Granny M?
ALLY: Aye so. What, are you
knocking it? You didn’t do so great yourself.
JAS: Right, I’m off for a
pint. You coming Sooozin.
Resignedly
but with faint smiles Girls put their arms round their men.
All
troop off silently. Ally puts closed sign on door.
ALLY: Knew I should have
charged more for those pegs.
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